Bleach Auction
by Kevvy Talks
Summary: Where you get to bid on your favorite Bleach characters! Chap. 27: Uryu, Aaroniero and Byakuya Kuchiki are available for bidding.
1. Chapter 1

**Bleach Auction**

**Characters/Pairings: Various**

**Genre: Humor**

**Rating: T**

**Summary: Where you can bid on your favorite Bleach characters!**

**A/N: Well, uh, this is sort of random. I came up with the idea while I was nuking myself some Sloppy Joes. Weeeird.**

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><p>"Hello, everybody!" I say, hopping out into the spotlight, and, like the damn klutz I am, nose-diving into the stage. "Okay, this is getting old," I say, and stand up.<p>

"Alright-y, then! I guess you all are wondering just what the hell this thing is. Well, first off, this thing was inspired by my Q&A with Kisuke Urahara, despite the fact that this, overall, has no similarities I can think of, to a Q&A. How it goes is, you all will be given a chance to bid on your beloved characters. However, the downside is, you'll have competition from other characters in the Bleach world that wish to oppose you. Mainly Mayuri."

"I heard that!" Mayuri bellows from the audience. "I WILL have my worthy specimen!" He waves a scalpel about as I twirl the microphone cord around my index finger.

"Yeah, yeah, sit the hell down," I order, and turn back to address the matter at hand. "Now, all the Bleach characters will be given a chance to be bid on, descending by popularity or just by random, if the mood takes me. When it comes down to it, money won't be the thing that buys your beloved character, it will be whatever you can offer. In the end, he or she will choose will choose the bidder he/she goes home with according to whatever proposal sounds best to them. So to all you readers who think of reviewing, do your best to woo or bribe your character of choice. To whomever secures the highest bid, your name will be posted on my profile along with the name of the Bleach character you won. But, alas, don't worry! For those who try, I pwomise I'll give you a pwushie!-" I make a wid-eyed baby face "-Or, if you don't want want a plushie, then I'll jump off a cliff for you!" I smile reassuringly. "Oh! And by the way, when Kaien Shiba's auction comes up...there _will_ be BLOOD." I looked around thirstily for victims. "YOU ALL WILL PERISH!"

Mayuri turns to Nemu. "And I thought _I _was crazy," he grumbles, fiddling with his scalpel and wishing there were things for him to cut up and dissect.

"Ahem." I cough nervously. "Sorry about that. Moving on..." I wave my hand, and the spotlight moves to a far corner of the stage, where Ichigo is bound to a chair. "Because he is the protagonist of Bleach, Ichigo will start off our auction!" I declare.

"I WILL NOT!" he bellows, and I regret not gagging him. "GET ME OUT OF HERE!" He looks pointedly at the audience, who does nothing to aid him. Rukia jumps up from somewhere in the back, arms flailing about. "DON'T WORRY, ICHIGO! I'LL BID ON YOU!" she assures.

He looks anything but relieved. "I don't want to be bid on! I just wanna get out of here!" he wails, wriggling about violently and causing his chair to tip precariously to the side.

"I'll start off the bidding," I say, and shuffle around in my pockets, "with one dollar!" I bring out a ratty dollar.

"Wow, thanks," Ichigo says sarcastically.

"I'll give up my chappy bunny!" Rukia hollared, lifting said plushy into the air for everyone to see.

Ichigo looked like he wanted to die.

"I offer longevity and a lifetime of bodily analysis and countless intravenous injections!" Mayuri shouted, standing up to his feet. Scattered "boos" and critical remarks were flung his direction almost instantaneously. "SHUT UP! ALL OF YOU!" he snapped.

Ichigo looked horrified. From my viewpoint, he sort of seemed green. "Get me out of here," he squeaked.

"I'll cut him up!" Kenpachi crowed, jumping up from his seat with his sword brandished. The people who were sitting next to him ducked for cover to evade meeting an untimely death with the sharp blade.

"I'll give him candy at the expense of being my eternal employee at the Shoten!" Kisuke announced, lifting his hand up above the crowd.

"H-hat-n'-clogs?" Ichigo spluttered, nearly tilting over onto the floor along with the chair he was bound to.

"What can I say? I couldn't resist!" Kisuke grinned, snapping his fan out and stirring up the air.

"Kenpachi!" Ichigo wailed, having had enough at this point. "How long does that offer of yours go for?"

"ETERNITY!" came the howl.

"ETERNITY? ARE YOU INSANE?"

"YEAH! WHAT WOULD I NEED WITH A STUPID THING LIKE SANITY ANYWAY?"

"Waaaait! Whadda 'bout meeee!" came the squeal.

"Oh, no," Ichigo groaned. "That's not..."

"ITSIIIIIGO!" I look down as a little toddler crawled up onto the stage, wearing a baggy gown and flaunting a cracked Hollow's mask. "Hi, Nel," Ichigo says, sighing.

Nel looks up at me. "I'll give Itsigo my eternal love!" Ichigo loudly toppled over nearby.

"That's nice, kid, but you're gonna have to do better than that," I tell her.

"Well, then, he can come with us to Hueco Mundo and play Eternal Tag with me and Pesche and Dondochakka!"

Everyone began chattering all at once, trying to get their word in. I turn away from them.

"To all you readers, I think now you've got the idea what I meant when I said you have many rivals out there. Have fun competing. Don't be afraid to ask questions." I swivel around and dash over to Ichigo.

"QUIET EVERYBODY!" I scream, and all the noise ceases.

"Now, as you all can see, there is no definite warranty on Ichigo. His condition is what I would consider to be satisfactory. There are no flaws on the merchandise-"

"MERCHANDISE?" Ichigo shrieked.

"-but I fear that dying or bleaching his hair has caused permanent damage."

"I TOLD YOU, IT'S NATURAL!" he yelled.

"For some reason, Tite likes putting in Ichigo in form-fitting clothing, so we're going to assume for the moment that his sexual orientation is gay."

"I...AM NOT...GAAAAY! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?"

"He would be fairly submissive in a relationship," I continue.

"ARE YOU JUST MAKING THIS UP AS YOU GO ALONG?"

"Yeah," I say, and toss the mike elsewhere and stride offstage.

**To be continued...**

**Have fun submitting your bids/offers! To all you readers, I thank you. Do tell me if this seems like a crappy idea. It **_**was **_**sort of a "spur of the moment" type of thing. Some part of me thinks it will be fun, though. :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks to: DeviantHollow23, animekisses, KawaiiRiniBunny, Flower in the River, Katsumi Hatake, KirreiR. H., loverofgin, BloodRedDeathGod, and toshirolovr94**

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><p>"Please, people-s, let's get with the program!" I state. "I think some of you may have been misinformed or something. When I say auction, I mean you bid on the item displayed."<p>

"I AM NOT AN ITEM!" Ichigo screeched.

"It's nice to see that you all are submitting offers. However, I'm never going to get to the next character on the market if you all don't make offers on Ichigo. He's beginning to feel left out."

"NO, I'M NOT!"

"You can bid on your favorite character when he/she comes up. Just, _please-_see how I'm stressing 'please'?-wait until Gin or whoever comes up and we'll go from there. Right now, though, Ichigo is on bid.

Toshirolovr94 and loverofgin, and everybody else who made requests, I will get to your character when they come along. They were great offers! Loverofgin, I think you may have hit the jackpot with that one."

"KawaiiRiniBunny asked me a question on whether you can bid on more than one character," I say. "Yes, you can, but only once they are being displayed. If I haven't brought them up, don't even bother sending a bid. I have seen that as soon as I posted Bleach Auction, people started bidding for characters I haven't remotely mentioned. It's mostly my fault that you were misinformed, so I'm truly sorry. You can bid and make as many offers as you want when the character comes up. But seeing as how I don't know how long it will be before I bring up your desired Bleach character, you might as well wait instead of bidding in advance. I am, however, genuinely thankful for all your reviews. I'm not saying that you _can't _bid in advance; it would just be easier for me. I don't want you to have to wait for a lengthy amount of time." I clap my hands. "NOW...I do have a another reason for this chappy," I say to the audience. "One of the reviews I received particularly appealed to the character, for some reason I can't fathom, and they want to speak with the bidder."

I wave to somebody in the crowd, and Gin strides from amongst the people and climbs up onto the stage.

"I believe her name is loverofgin?" he inquired, bending down to inspect the list I have of the people that reviewed my story. "Ah, so it is. All the dried persimmons I want, you say?" He taps his chin absent-mindedly. "You throw in a day at a beach resort an' you gotta deal." Gin waves his hand, dismissing himself from the stage. "I've been wantin' to see the ocean again for awhile..." He stares off into space, daydreaming as he makes his way back to his seat.

"Also, in the last chapter, I forgot to address one small problem with Ichi's auction. Due to the fact that he is one counterpart of two entities, I had to use drastic scientific means to separate them to appeal with the readers." I turn and grab a cord that is hanging from the rafters and pull, causing the curtains on the stage to part, revealing Ichigo and Shirosaki bound to two individual chairs that are bolted to the floor.

"AAAAUGH!" Ichigo sqwuaked, struggling about fruitlessly. Shirosaki (I know some people refer to him as "Hichigo"; I just like Shirosaki better) grinned at his other half, tongue flicking out to lick his own lips.

"Hello, King," he crooned. "I have to admit, I didn't envisage us meeting quite like this. I imagined there would be more blood." He cackled, obviously amused by the thought. I snap out a paper and shove it in Shirosaki's face. He seems mildly annoyed.

"What's this?"

"It's a bid, an offer for ownership of you." Shirosaki's golden irises flash.

"I belong to nobody!" he spat, fingernails digging into the wood of the chair's arm rest.

"Her name is DeviantHollow23. She seems pretty intent on helping you rule the world." Shirosaki's face lit up. "Is tha' so?" He leans back casually in his chair, not minding that his legs and hands are bound to the thing. "Sounds promising," he said. "Maybe I'll take the offer...maybe I won't."

**To be continued...**

**Apologies for such a short chapter. Now that I think you've gotten the memo, you all can submit your offers/bids for Shirosaki/Hichigo or Ichigo. Like I said, it's okay to bid in advance, but it would be easier for me if you waited. For those who want Ichigo and Shirosaki, make your offers before it's too late. DeviantHollow23, your bid is at the top of the list for Shirosaki. If nobody submits a bid, you will win him. Loverofgin, despite the fact that Gin wasn't displayed, your offer was very appealing.**

**If you review again agreeding to Gin's request, you will claim ownership of him and your name will be posted on my profile. Happy reviewing, everybody!**


	3. Chapter 3

Papers are tossed about everywhere on stage as I throw my hands in the air. "CONGRATULATIONS TO LOVEROFGIN!" I cry. "You're the first bidder to win her character of choice! Gin Ichimaru is now yours to do with as you please!" I usher Gin backstage to go meet loverofgin and swivel back to face the audience.

"Now that we've got that aside, I ask you to turn your attention back to these two." I gesture to Ichigo and Shirosaki. Ichigo is struggling about in vain and mumbling profanity under his breath, while Shirosaki just sits back and yawns, entertained by all the publicity his presence is getting.

**Storygirl11: "I'll bid for Ichigo (I need someone to clean my room anyway). I'll give you...a magic penny! How's that for a good deal!" :)**

Ichigo squawks, "THAT'S EVEN WORSE THAN KEVVY'S RATTY DOLLAR!" He pauses for a moment.

"How magical is it?" I roll my eyes heavenward and exhale heavily.

"The bids are on for Shirosaki," I announce, "with DeviantHollow23 as the runner up!"

**DeviantHollow23: "An' here I thought I was gonna have to wait forever to have the chance to drag his hot albino ass outta there." *cackles***

Ichigo splutters in gibberish somewhere behind me. Shirosaki just looks mildly surprised that someone referred to him in the term "hot".

**"A bid, huh? Damn! What more can I offer that hottie Hollow other than the world at his fingertips! HAHA! Cuz I can assure him he'll never be caged or hidden away." *grins***

"That's exactly what you can offer!" Shirosaki declared, grinning wickedly. "I think I like this girl!"

**"An' no one's biddin' on Ichi? Seriously?**

I look around. "We've got bids comin' in all the time. Aside from Storygirl11 and the magic penny, there's been nothing interesting."

**"Well! I s'ppose I could bid on him too seein' as ya did say ya could bid on more than one item. Haha! He would make an interestin' lil' play mate for the Hollow."**

"I'M NO ONE'S PLAY MATE, DAMMIT!" Ichigo shrieked, struggling harder in the chair.

**"Would ya like that? Eh, Shiro?"**

Shirosaki grinned and looked over at his counterpart. "Of course I'd like that. After all, what would the world be without my King?" He leaned closer to Ichigo, who squealed and tried to get away.

**"Alright! So, let me take ya home Ichi an' I'll let ya go free an' I won't let the Author get her hands on ya again!" *hides her crossed fingers behind her back as she grins innocently***

I pretend I didn't see that and look over at Ichigo for confirmation. He's stopped wriggling about now and appears contemplative.

"I guess..." he said.

**anime-kisses: "Okay, Ichi, I'm about to offer you a deal you can't refuse (well, you can, but you won't). I have made you a sound-proof impervious room with a combination lock only you know. You can come and go any time you want and you will be provided with whatever food you want (I have plenty). The inside design is the same exact as your room (including a window, but it's fake). There is no closet because I don't want you being paranoid that Rukia's in there. So Ichi boy, do you want to be adopted by me, who will give you solitude and peace, or by a crazed fangirl who will try and glomp you?**

Ichigo looked truly drawn by this proposal.

**Hotaru-Naichingeru: "I bid the world for Shirosaki. (Yes, that includes 6 billion+ people for him to torture/slash/kill." :)**

"Tempting," Shirosaki murmured. "But who said I wanted world domination over a bunch of pathetic humans? There would be no point in it. You put me in the same room with ol' King here-" Shirosaki cocked his head to Ichigo, who suddenly looked queasy"-and I'll be more than happy. I have no intention of slaughtering weaklings."

**maaka oro: "I bid a pet bear and a shiny nickle for Ichigo and Shirosaki each. I promise Ichigo a year without annoyance and Shirosaki a war."**

"Hm." Shirosaki seemed faintly absorbed in his own thoughts.

"What is it with you people and your spare change?" Ichigo wailed. "I don't want a shiny nickle! I just want outta here!"

**Mangareader125: "I'll offer my hard to come by Street Fighter llV complete series DVD set for Ichigo. (That way he could protect me from bullies and the horrors of living in a chaotic world, plus he would make a terrific friend!) Somebody else could have Shiro for the fact that he is a crazy dude who would most likely kill me than protect me."**

"I can't take this anymore," Ichigo whimpers. "Anime-kisses, I want a window with scenery on that room of yours and you've got a deal!"

"But, Ichigo!" Rukia wailed from the audience. "I offered Chappy for you!" Her lip trembled pitifully.

"I DON'T WANT THE DAMN BUNNY!" Ichigo shrieked, twisting about wildly in his chair.

"I think I might stay a bit longer," Shirosaki said. "If nothing comes up then I'll go with this DeviantHollow23. I rather like her proposal."

"Aaaalright-y, then!" I declare. "If no one comes up with a better bid, then Anime-kisses, you will claim ownership of Ichigo! DeviantHollow23, you keep checking in and by next chapter you might get lucky."

**To be continued...**

**The bids for Ichigo and Shirosaki appear to be coming to a close already. Anime-kisses, if you respond and no one else submits an offer that appeals over yours, you will get Ichigo. DeviantHollow23, you are still at the top of the list for Shirosaki, but maaka oro's offer is still in consideration simply because Shirosaki's playing hard to get right now. Everyone is still allowed to submit bids for Ichigo and Shirosaki, just do it before someone else gets them. Next chapter, JUSHIRO UKITAKE WILL BE ON DISPLAY (Along with Ichigo and Shirosaki)! For anyone who's absolutely bat-shit insane for Ukitake, submit your friggin' bids. Go crazy. See ya 'till then! Have fun reviewing!**


	4. Chapter 4

I get down on my knees and bow as Ukitake walks onto stage and plops down into one of the comfy recliner chairs I have set out for him. I brandish no bungee cord.

"W-What the hell?" Ichigo shrieked in outrage. "Why don't _we _get that kind of treatment?"

"Because Ukitake's sweet and kind, and you are anything but," I say, and turn my puppy dog eyes onto the 13th Division captain.

"Hello," he says sheepishly, and waves awkwardly to the audience he has. I swoon.

"CAPTAIN! CAPTAIN!" Kiyone and Sentaro bellow from amongst the crowd, jumping up and down and gesturing about frenetically. "WE BID YOU ALL THE CANDY YOU WANT!"

"AND A FREE LIFETIME OF SHOULDER MASSAGES!" Sentaro added.

Ukitake chuckled. "Um, okay. I'll see about it." Over in the corner, Shirosaki begins to grumble, agitated that all the publicity is being directed elsewhere.

**DeviantHollow23: *huffs* "You!" *points finger at you***

My eyes widen comically. "What did I do?" I say innocently.

**"Your doin' this on purpose so I'll drag my tired ass outta bed an' show up again!"**

"That's the gist of it."

**"Whitey should have been mind already!" *tugs out hair***

At ease now, Shirosaki just sits back as much as is possible in his bound state and grins. "'Whitey'?" he mumbles, amused and intrigued.

**"But fine fine..." *sighs* we'll do it your way...First off, I back off for ownership of Ichi. I agree that Anime-kisses...or whoever that was...should have him. An' IF by chance she's doesn't give him what it is he's requestin', which I doubt, then I will! Full room with a view an' whatever else it was he wanted." *grins***

**"Now, You!" *turns toward Hollow* **Shirosaki leans back in his chair, acting mock surprised.

**"Now that I know what ya REALLY want..." *turns around to write quickly on a piece of paper before turning back around an' stompin' up to the Hollow***

"Oh, is that right?" Shirosaki inquires. "Cuz I really don't think you do. Maybe..." He grins crazily as DeviantHollow23 approaches him.

**"Read!" *shoves paper in front of his face* **Shirosaki looks at her skeptically and then leisurely sits up and inclines his head, giving the paper a quick scan. His eyes coldly glinted suddenly and his lips split in an insane smile as his gaze slid over to Ichigo, who gulped fearfully.

**"Ah? Ya like that?" *grins before flat-linin' the grin* "Well, end this nonsense already an' come home with me already!" **I get curious and creep over to see what was written just as DeviantHollow23 lights the paper on fire. I slump dejectedly.

**"Calm down, Kevvy." **She drops the paper as it goes up in smoke and turns into ash.

**"I've sent ya a PM of what was written so that some people don't end up changin' or retractin' their offers. Can't have that now, can we?" *snickers towards the Hollow before yawnin'***

**"I'll be over there when ya need me again..." *points towards a couch as she mutters***

**"Might as well stick around an' sleep here if I keep gettin' called back again."**

I grab a handful of confetti and toss it everywhere just as Shirosaki says, "You've gotta deal."

The bungee cord loosens and Shirosaki stands up and stretches.

"GONGRATS TO DEVIANTHOLLOW23! YOU'VE CLAIMED OWNERSHIP OF HOLLOW ICHI!" I squeal.

I guide the Hollow backstage to wait until DeviantHollow23 wakes up from her nap and then dash back, sneakers skidding on the pristine floor boards.

**Storygirl11: "I'm not giving up! (coz I seriously need someone to clean my room). I'll bid...a room with a window, Chinese food of all sorts (don't know how to make Japanese food) and my magic mushroom!"**

"A MAGIC MUSHROOM?" Ichigo howled.

"Maybe it's the kind of shrooms that get you high and that's what she means by 'magical'," I say.

"I'm too young! That's illegal!" he told me. I shrug my shoulders.

**Mangareader125: "On second thought, I retract my bid for Ichigo (to Kevvy Talks: If I wanted a complainer I would have gone for Grimmjow when he goes up on the chopping block).**

"Look," Ichigo spoke up, trying as hard as possible to sit up straight in his chair, "I'm not complaining. I seriously don't wanna hurt anyone's feelings. I just didn't ask for this and all I wanna do is get back home before my dad has a freakin' fit."

"Your dad is going on auction, too," I point out.

"Yeah, well..." Ichigo trails off and huffs.

**Hotaru-Naichingeru: "JUSHIRO, I OFFER YOU THE MAYO CLINIC, WHO WILL BE ABLE TO RESEARCH AND GIVE MUCH BETTER MEDICINE FOR YOU! (You can also get a pie. :) )"**

"Oh," Ukitake says, looking thoughtful, and clasps his hands together and places them in his lap. "That's very kind of you. Thank you. I'll take it into consideration."

**Anime-kisses: "Ichigo, I'll give you a window that changes the scenery every hour if that's what you want!"**

Feeling guilty now, Ichigo looked away.

**"Now, for Ukitake. First off, I absolutely adore you, Jushiro, and I just want the best for you."**

Ukitake smiles, flattered.

**"I offer you all the candy you want; German, American, French, Japanese, Italian, etc, so you can give it to Toshiro and anyone else you want (I'll even buy Toshiro or work out a play-date with whoever buys him). I'll buy you all the ohagi you want. I have also gotten you a garden which is full of various plants, trees, has a stream, cute little bridges, and is just an overall peaceful place (There are plenty of bonsai trees for you to trim). It is also located somewhere Kiyone and Sentaro will never be able to get (but they'll know your safe) and Shunsui can come and go as he pleases. I think that's all for now but I hope you like it." :D**

Ukitake is speechless now.

**Alchemistofpeace: "ARGPOMFUGWBDUCBUUKITAKE! Now that that's over with, I BID THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE PLUS PROTECTION AGAINST GLOMPING FANGIRLS! You also have protection against your third seats (admit it, they're annoying). That glomping thing also counts for me. All I will do is give you gentle hugs. Now, what do you want: A crazy fangirl who will rape you or me, a fangirl who will give you whatever you want?"**

Ukitake composes himself and sits up a little straighter. "I don't know what I would do with the entire universe," he says softly. "But I wouldn't mind a hug." He smiles and stands up to go over and glomp Alchemistofpeace.

I snatch up some papers from one of my assistants and look them over.

**reven lord of darkness: "I offer you 100,000 boxes of chocolates and 100 glasses of milk for Ichigo. Same for Senna if you get around to her."**

Ichigo blinks. "That's...a lot of chocolate," he says blankly, "and alot of milk."

**BloodRedDeathGod: "I bet a cure for your TB and freedom to come and go as you please along with free meals and all the years of youth lost cuz of TB for Jushiro!"**

Ukitake climbs back onstage after he's gotten done hugging the majority of the audience and waves to BloodRedDeathGod. "Thank you!"

"And that's all, folks!" I say, and give a flashy salute to everyone.

**To be continued...**

**Congratulations to DeviantHollow23 for winning Shirosaki this chapter! Your name will now be posted to my profile along with the character you claimed. For all those who bid and will bid on Ukitake, your offers are being considered. Because all of them were so great, no one is at the top of the list for him. Storygirl11, due to your unyeilding persistence, Ichigo is holding off and your bid is being considered with the upmost thought. For now, it seems Anime-kisses has a rival, therefore she will regrettably not be taking Ichi home right now. As for the rest of you readers, keep on submitting your reviews. Storygirl11, Ichigo wants to know specifically how magic this mushroom is. lol. :) Have fun, everybody! **


	5. Chapter 5

"Hello, everybody! Thanks to DeviantHollow23 for showing to pick up Shirosaki!" I call out. The audience from the Bleach cast grumbles. "I wanna cut somethin' up," Kenpachi says irritably.

"I'll give up all my candy for Uki-chan!" Yachiru declares, striding up to the foot of the stage with a big-ass bag of candy towed behind her. Ukitake smiles and leans down over the side of the stage to pat her on the head. "Thank you. I'll consider it," he tells her.

Ichigo is still sitting in his chair, but this time with his hands folded in his lap. I have removed the bungee cord cuz he's reverted to a relatively emo state and feels bad now for having to choose between a bunch of psychotic fans who'd do practically anything for him.

**Mangareader125: *looks at Ichigo with stony eyes while reading Icha Icha Paradise* "Oh, I'm sorry, did you say something? I couldn't tell with all the bad vibes I was getting from you."**

A doom and gloom aura permeates the atmosphere around Ichigo.

***closes book* "I'll offer up 1000 paper cranes for Ukitake (in hopes that his illness gets better). This isn't a bid, but I just hope that you get better."**

Ukitake smiles widely and accepts the tons of paper cranes. "Thank you so much!" he says, and runs over, collides with, and ultimately glomps the living daylights out of Mangareader125.

**"Finally, I'll offer up a replica of Nejibana for Kaien when he goes up for offer just to give him away to our very own Kevvy Talks!"**

"KYAA!" I go over and glomp Mangareader125 as well, dogpiling the poor fan along with Ukitake.

**Storygirl11: "BOOYAH! My unyeilding persistence works! I also throw in some magic stars! Oh, and my magic mushroom is AWESOME! Last time I had one, the last thing I remembered was that I was sitting down at home and then I woke up on the beach!"**

I whirl around and point my finger at Ichigo, who has perked up somewhat but still carries a sullen outward exterior so as to not fool anybody. "SEE, I TOLD YOU THEY WERE THE SHROOMS THAT MAKE YOU HIGH!"

Ichigo sweatdrops. "Um, okay. Thanks."

**Anime-kisses: *sniffles* "Ichi doesn't think my bid is good enough...I understand..." *stands in a corner crying and growing mushrooms* "Im'a gonna grow my own damn magic mushroom."**

Ichigo looks noticeably perturbed and nervous. He begins to fiddle around with his hands.

"I-I'm sorry," he says, somewhat pathetically. "If it helps...it was a really cool offer."

***straightens up* "Jushiro, I'll throw in a cure for your TB and-I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO OFFER! All I can say is please, please accept my offer because I absolutely LOVE you. Screw Byakuya, you're the coolest and sexiest captain!"**

Ukitake blushes about the "sexy" part. "Well, I don't know about that," he mumbles, shuffling his feet awkwardly.

**"You've been my favorite character ever since the first chapter you were introduced! If there's anything you want, desire, or need, I will get it for you!" *coughs* "I'm sorry, I just really love you. Despite my outbreak, I'm really calm and am nothing like your 3rd seats. Please be adopted by me."**

"Aw." Ukitake goes over to pat Anime-kisses on the shoulder. "It's alright. There, there..."

He crosses his hands in front of him and gives her a curt nod before returning to the stage.

**Alchemistofpeace: "You can also have my soul if you want, Jushiro. Excuse me." **Alchemistofpeace vanishes from the stage, and from far away this can be heard: **"OH MY FREAKING GOD! UKITAKE HUGGED ME! I'LL NEVER SHOWER AGAIN! WAAAAAHOOOOHHHH!"**

"I don't want your soul. You wouldn't be you without it, and, quite frankly, I like you the way you are." Ukitake chuckles. "But thanks for the offer. I'm glad you liked my hug." He goes back over to glomp Alchemistofpeace again. Then Kiyone and Sentaro get involved, and soon enough, _everybody _wants a hug from Jushiro.

**To be continued...**

**I'm sorry that this wasn't such a lengthy chappy like the rest, but I have reasons for it. Right now, schoolwork is getting in the way, therefore I had to cut this short. I didn't respond to most of the reviews. To those, I apologize. Your bids were considered, but I'd already made up my mind. Those people are: MisplacedSanity, toshirolovr94, and Akako Hama.**

A drum roll begins as Ichigo and I stand up. "To the lucky person who has won Ichigo Kurosaki, you are...

Storygirl11!" I get pushy and drag Ichigo backstage so Storygirl11 can claim ownership of him.

**To all those who bidded on Ichi: ALL of them were wonderful. A handful of them had winning material, even. However, I chose Storygirl11 cuz she was wacky with her bids. She was also persistent, in claiming of ownership of Ichi as well as her wackiness. Anime-kisses, don't cry!**

**All of you did a good job. Deep down, I think all of you are winners.**

**Right now, Anime-kisses, you are at the top of the list for Ukitake. Alchemistofpeace is nearly on par with you, so I'm going to wait one more chappy before I decide who will win Ukitake.**

**Next chapter, ULQUIORRA SCHIFFER IS GOING ON DISPLAY! For anyone who wants Ulquiorra, bid now.**

Rukia stands up, clutching the blue special edition plushie Mangareader125 gave her to her bosom.

She sobs. "BUT, ICHIGO, YOU ASS, I WOULD HAVE GIVEN UP CHAPPYYYYYY!"

"SCREW CHAPPY!" Ichigo howls from backstage.

"WHAT ABOUT MY UNDYING LOYALTY AS YOUR FRIEND, YOU BASTARD?" she shrieked, pissed off now.

"WHO GIVES A FUCK?" someone from the audience bellowed.

**Important A/N: To my readers, a problem seems to have arisen concerning the manner of your bids. One of my readers, who will remain anonymous, pointed this out. Please, please do not rip off other people's bids by stealing their ideas. Your bid should be unique to you and you alone. Not only that, it doesn't make it any easier if someone, say, bids a bag of candy, and you turn around and bid a bag of candy as well and add stuff to it. Use your own ideas. No stealing. Thank you. **


	6. Chapter 6

Ulquiorra stands on the podium, gazing out placidly at the audience, with not a care in the world. He leisurely crosses his arms and blinks in slow progression while inwardly determining the outcome of this situation he's gotten himself into. It wasn't really all that problematic: he had been snatched up from a dismal abyss of darkness and despair and whisked away here without prior notice.

By Kevvy Talks no less.

He couldn't say he was bothered by these current events; if anything, he was suffering mildly from a state of suspended boredom. He held no qualms about the crowd. Altogether, they seemed more and more interested with the Kuchiki girl than him. He was not going to dive into a speech of angst, but he couldn't deny all the focus on this girl of all of them was beginning to get agitating. After awhile, he just chose one of the pieces of furniture decorating the setting and fell down onto it as elegantly as one could possibly _fall. _

Every now and then his foot would bob up and down from where he sat in the familiar wooden chair he'd propped himself up in, legs overlapping one another, figure unusually taut, expression grim. His lips pressed in a thin line as a few of the spectators joined in shouting out advanced bids on the petite raven-haired woman.

On the far of the stage, Ukitake was sitting amongst a sea of cushions and plushies that Kevvy had gone out of the way to get him just for his convenience.

Ulquiorra was presented no such luxeries. Not that he would have accepted such if they were given.

He had no use for such necessities.

At one point, the white-haired _shinigami _glanced over at him with chocolate brown eyes that were as wide as a puppy's and said, "I don't know who I should pick. They're all so wonderful." His lips lifted in a contented smile and he clutched closer a sort of bunny doll that Rukia had given him. "Aren't you excited?"

"Thrilled," Ulquiorra said monotonously.

**BloodRedDeathGod: "I will give my undying soul for Ulquiorra! I will gather 1000 souls wrapped in the blackest shadows for you! I will...I will rip out my heart and give it to you!"**

Ulquiorra sighed.

It was a start.

**To be continued...**

**Anime-kisses, you are still on par with Alchemistofpeace for Ukitake; the both of you may have to offer something' extra cuz it's too close for Ukitake to call. So far, BloodRedDeathGod is at the top of the list for Ulquiorra. I apologize to everyone for the brief chapter; I didn't have much to go on cuz everyone bidded in advance for Rukes. I did everything from Ulquiorra's point of view for fun. I have evaluated all your bids and taken them into consideration. Rukia appreciates all the offers in advance. Thanks. Keep 'em comin'! **


	7. Chapter 7

It's a slightly arduous process to keep a train of thought when the person across from you is in dire turmoil. Right now, Ukitake was in turmoil. He couldn't seem to make a decision between Anime-kisses and Alchemistofpeace. Thus far, Anime-kisses had made a heartfelt yet very threatening speech regarding a fight to the death, as had the second and more vicious bidder, who was still willing to bear her teeth in spite of the fact she'd formerly been in the hospital for a week. It seemed, no matter the condition or health status of the auction-goer, they wouldn't hesitate to mangle, murder, or commite total genocide. It was this very nature that had some people in the audience fearing for their lives.

He could say, for his part, however, that things were looking up.

**UlquiorravsIchigo13: "Ulquiorra, I'll give you a purpose and spot as MY Primera Espada. I'm not a fangirl because, well, I'm a boy and you don't deserve all the stuff you put up with, like, Yammy, Grimmy, 'n Aizen. I gotta dark 'n dreary cave inside the moon's shadow. I also have a variety of colored energy lances. That's all I got." (walks to shadow in corner)**

"Pass," Ulquiorra said blandly, exhaling. His ebony black nails minutely straightened out the folds in his uniform at his waist line. He serenely closed his eyes, showing the accented liner that so complemented his pallor. His lips pressed into a thin line from the surrounding rambunctious noises the crowd was emitting.

**Mangareader125: "To Ulquiorra, I'm sorry! I'll offer up a lifetime supply of mascara and an umbrella that completely blocks out the light for you. I'll even give you the freedom to come and go as you please. All I ask is that you don't try to kill me if you get irritated."**

"For one, I do not have Heliophobia. I wouldn't have any use for such an object as an umbrella. Furthermore, I do not wear mascara."

Kevvy chastised him somewhere nearby for being so rude. "My apologies go out to everybody for Ulquiorra being such a killjoy," she said.

"Can I choose someone now...so I may leave?" Ulquiorra inquired.

"Um...okay. But the rest of the bids-"

"I have chosen **BloodRedDeathGod **to be my...possessor." The former Espeda's voice dipped as he said the final word. He stood up and patted his clothes lightly before heading backstage.

* * *

><p>I stare after Ulquiorra and swivel around to face the crowd. "Next chappy, Rukia is going on bid!"<p>

**MisplacedSanity: "If Rukia goes up on the block, I'mma bid a BIG ASS Chappy plushy the size of Texas and then some. The bid starts there. And will rise if necessary. To an entire army of the bunny. Whaddaya say to that, Rukes?"**

Rukia squeals from somewhere in the throng.

**To be continued...**

**CONGRATS TO BLOODREDDEATHGOD! YOU'VE WON ULQUIORRA!**

**Next chapter, Rukia is on bid! For everyone who is reading this, bid, bid, bid. Misplacedsanity, you are, so far, at the top of the list for Rukes. As for everyone else who bidded in advanced for her, I haven't forgotten you. That means you, Skywalker T-65. Just keep the offers coming and we'll see who wins.**

**Anime-kisses and Alchemistofpeace, I have just one thing to say: IT'S TOO HARD! I love you two and so does Ukitake! Your offers really got to me, and, as much as I'd like this chappy to be the one you get him, I just can't do it without being conflicted about the outcome. It's too close to call. So there's only one thing to do...(dadadaDUM)...You'll just have to beg/grovel/etc. *sobs* I'm sorry, guys! If this is what it's come down to, then I feel ashamed as an author. I did everything I could think of, and then some.**

**It's not as easy as it looks to host an auction cuz you got so much debating to do. I've narrowed it down to you two. What I reccomend now is that you review one final time and by next chapter I'll have the results, I PROMISE. Or I'll just throw myself into The Pit of Eternal Fire for letting you guys down.**

**Okay. Now I know this boldened addition to the story is getting a bit stretched, but I want you all to direct your attention to the below. **

**Important Author's Note: To my dear readers, as of late, I was sent a review that, erm, seemed somewhat derogatory in manner. It offended me greatly, and due to its anonimity, I had it removed. However, I would like to say for such a case as this, that I do not appreciate foul language, especially when it is directed at me.**

**I totally understand that if, for instance, you don't get your character or something doesn't appeal to you, than naturally you're going to be pissed off. I apologize for that in the most heartfelt way possible. In here, I believe, bid or no bid, you're all winners. I try to treat all of you who put something up for offer as fairly as possible. However, if you're going to have a tantrum, I don't want you to pour it out into a review and dump it on me. There are plenty Bleach characters to go around, and I've only just begun. I've also pointed out that you can bid on more than one character. So if you don't succeed the first time, than by all means, try again. I won't mind. Anime-kisses lost Ichigo and she's handling it pretty well, as is everybody else. We all suffer losses. Just try not to take it so hard.**

* * *

><p>Ukitake smiles longingly as everybody disperses from around the stage and waves. "Bye, everybody."<p> 


	8. Chapter 8

**Thanks go out to all my patient readers for hanging on! You rock!**

* * *

><p>Up till now, no one had been so much as delighted to be put up on the block. Moreover, this thing had begun to look like a morbid funeral procession after Ulquiorra's arrival and departure.<p>

That was, until Rukia found out she was being put up on bid for all the customers to clammer at.

Her spontaneous outburst, which could only be interpreted as a somewhat overjoyed chortle, bounds off the walls of the studio and back as she scurries around the swarm of auction-goers and under the trampling feet of people far taller than herself. Arriving at the head of the stage, she grabs onto the edge of the platform and hauls herself up at my feet.

**MisplacedSanity: "Looks like I'm going to have to up the ante, eh? (no, I'm not Canadian)."**

"I never thought you were," I say.

**"Rukia, whaddaya say to a British armada of Chappies? In 358 colors. With some that change different colors when you put them out in the sun. They also sing and dance to good music. And I'll borrow Ichigo for a bit, and clone him 45 times so they can all be your personal butlers. Or you can just kick 'em whenever you feel the need to. They're clones. They don't mind."**

"Eeee!" Rukia begins to leap up and down quickly, clapping her hands so fast they're a blur.

The ink black strands of her hair bob to the rhythm of her movement.

"Gimmeeee!"

The cluster of auction-goers jam-packed into the assembly arena buzzed with activity, now in earnest.

In the heat of the flurry Kiyone and Sentaro began a fierce battle of elbow-jabbing which resulted in them diving for the other's neck and flopping down onto the ground, entangled in an epic clash, under the feet of the crowd. A few scattered individuals hop out of the way to avoid being dragged into the fray.

At the back of the aisle parting the formation of chairs aligned in order for the guests on either side of the stadium, people began to bustle. The group of bodies pressed in together in the passage part, stepping into the rows of chairs to make way for someone who was crawling up the aisle at a snail's pace.

I step back a fraction as a bloody hand grips the edge of the platform. Alchemistofpeace comes into view, all tattered and bloody, and crawls up to Ukitake with much effort before grabbing his robes and dragging herself up to see him face-to-face.

**"Please, Jushiro-san. End this. End it now. I don't care who you pick. I am going to DIE if I keep it up with Anime-kisses." **With that, she flops down onto the floor and slithers away.

"Well," I say, "there's really no need to display Anime-kisses' review. Jushiro has already chosen." I throw my arms into the air and grin insanely. "CONGRATS TO ANIME-KISSES! YOU'VE WON UKITAKE!"

"It was really hard. Alchemistofpeace, you were _so _close." My shoulders slump with relief now that the situation has resolved itself. "Don't worry! You can keep trying. There are still plenty of characters left to be put up on the block. The same goes for everybody else."

Ukitake chuckles, all chipper now, and bounces up on his feet, adjusts his uniform, straightening out the creases so he'll look proper, before heading backstage to well-acquaint himself with his owner.

Rukia shouts out loudly to her commander and flaps her arms around in what is reminiscent of a gesture good-bye. The motion picks up a gust of air in my direction, fanning me.

**maaka oro: "I bid an army of magic ninja bunnies for Rukia, 15,000 strong. Now if anyone messes with her or Chappy, the ninja bunnies will snap their necks. And then nom a brustlesprout, cuz they rock like that." :)**

The petite woman looks back at me with round, owl-like eyes the size of saucers.

"Can I have them?" she squeaks.

I shrug my shoulders. "Unless that's who you've chosen, then, yeah, it's cool." Rukia squirms on the spot, gnawing on her lip indecisively and wringing her slender hands together with inner conflict.

**Mangareader125: "(Hopefully, I'm not too late!)"**

"No," I inform. "In fact, things are just getting started!"

**"For Rukia, I would like to bid a hundred paper hearts that have a special chappy collectible item on each one, a magical pen that will never run out of ink, and that also brings life to the things you draw if you will it to do so, a matching sketch pad that will never run out of pages, and finally, a pound of the finest seaweed in the world so you have it when Byakuya wants you to get it for him (reference to the Bleach 3rd Phanton video-game)."**

Rukia plops down on her bottom, legs crossed, brow creased, lips pursed. IT WAS SO HARD TO CHOOSE FROM ALL THE CUTENESS!

**The dark: "I'll give Rukia a Chappy planet where Chappy bunnies roam 4 someone 2 make queen Chappy."**

Rukia squeals and tosses her weight back onto the floor, rolling back and forth so fast she's a blur.

"EEEEK!"

Everybody from the Bleach cast is quiet for once. They'd all been outdone.

I put my hands over my ears to muffle the sounds of delight being emitted by the raven-haired _Shinigami _and exit offstage.

**To be continued...**

**da man wit da plan and 0Kuro Tenshi0, I have received your advanced plans and will definity use them when the time comes. Congrats again to Anime-kisses for winning Jushiro Ukitake. My sympathies go out to Alchemistofpeace. I assure you, you can continue to bid.**

**Right now, Misplacedsanity, maaka oro, Mangareader125 and The dark are at the top of the list for Rukia. You can stick with the bids you have now, but I recommend submitting another just so you'll feel covered. **


	9. Chapter 9

**Thanks go out to all my wonderful readers and those who bid! Keep 'em comin'!**

* * *

><p>After being thoroughly pampered by myself and the fangirls and fanboys in the stadium, Rukia lay sprawled out across a mass of pillows and Chappy plushes that Anime-Kisses had thrown at her. She was still, in a state of suspended catatonia as she swam in ideas that consisted of nothing but Chappy.<p>

I, for one, had been up all evening taking bids from the mob of Bleach characters that had amassed in the stadium for the aforementioned woman. A month-long line had gathered in and around the grounds where the event was proceeding. Half of the dealers were stir-crazy from the wait, a third had crawled off to find amusement elsewhere from the prolonged delay, and the remainder were just homicidal for Rukia.

"HEY! GET OFF'A ME!" I howled as some bad-mannered person grabbed my pant-leg and proceeding to pull me down into the hord of fans, encouraging others to do the same. "WAIT YOUR TURN, DAMMIT!"

I begin to swat at my attackers violently to ward them off.

**Mangareader125: "Now, for my next round of bids, I bid the entire collection of five of your favorite shoujo manga, first editions, signed by the manga-ka that made them, a ultra rare, single digit membership card of the "I Love Chappy" fan-club (trust me, getting one of the single digit membership cards is a hell to obtain), a wide assortment of various plushies in the shape of your friends...And if that is not all, I have one more thing to add on the table while traveling in the soul mind world.**

**I've obtained a new dance from Sode no Shirayuki. It's a new sword dance that is even more beautiful and deadly than the others combined!" **Rukia perked up, quivering.

**"Yes, all of these wonderful items can be yours if you just say yes to my offer!"**

"GAAAH! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?" I shrieked, hitting the prying hands from below stage with my switch-cane. "WAIT..YOUR...TURN!" I enunciated each word loudly with a slap of my weapon.

Rukia sat up on her mountain of cushions and bounced up and down happily.

**MisplacedSanity: "So it all comes down to this, huh, Kevvy?"**

"YES, IT ALL COMES...DOWN-" I whacked at Kiyone and Sentaro, who were trying to claw their way up on stage "-TO VIOLENCE!"

**"Well, then. Ah, shit. I just remembered." **MisplacedSanity grinned. **"I has an advaaaantage. Next week, January 14th. Rukia's BIRRRTHDAY."**

My jaw dropped, my body pausing mid-stroke into hitting another crazed fan.

"OH MY GAWD! IT'S BEEN THAT LONG SINCE I UPDATED?" I throw my arms up into the air, causing the switch-cane to fly from my grasp and hit somebody in the crowd.

"AND I FORGOT RUKIA'S BIRTHDAY!" I toss myself into the swarm of bidders, distraught. "WAAAH!"

MisplacedSanity just reached into her magical bag of holding-like Mary Poppins, but cooler.

**"I has a fifty-foot chocolate, banana, strawberry cake, iced with strawberry pink icing, shaped like CHAPPY!" **She tossed confetti into the air while I crawled up into the fetal position of despair.

Everybody cheered Rukia a belated birthday, while those who hadn't forgotten and had given her presents due accordingly smiled smugly. MisplacedSanity was among those who hadn't forgotten, but Ichigo had paid under the table to have the review announced again just to torture me. It was payback for all that he'd gone through when he'd been put up for auction.

**"And to make this party all the better, I have them cloned-Ichigo-butler-punchingbags I promised DRESSED LIKE CHAPPY, DOING THE MACARENA, YMCA-DANCE, AND THE FUNKYCHICKEN. AND PYROTECHNICS. LOTS AND LOTS OF PYROTECHNICS."**

I sobbed in my emo corner.

**Liechland: "I bid 1,000 giant bunnies and 1,000 small bunnies, plus a 100 acre bunny farm, just for you! Also, your own guest house with an art studio, to make all the sketches you want, and all the supplies to make uber of anything you please. Also, I hand-sewed a blanket for you. It has bunnies on it and special pockets, to place Chappy in! This is real soft material, too. Did I mention, Chappy gets his own mansion, complete with 5 rooms and 4 and a half baths. Plus a Jacuzzi."**

Rukia smiled as the insanity of the mob continued.

**To be continued...**

**SkywalkerT-65, I received your bid. I was pressed for time and didn't have time to put it down in here. My apologies.  
>To MisplacedSanity, I am SO sorry. I should have submitted this chapter before the 14th of January, but, sadly, I've been VERY busy and I never got this chapter down until recently. Please forgive this terrible authoress.<strong>

**Yukiko 18 and ValentineRevenge, I got your bids and will use them when the time comes. Silver Eternity, Grimmjow is to be put up on the block soon, so no worries there; but if you haven't gotten your say in by the time he's gone up for auction, I'll definitely message you. I'm glad to see that I'm inspiring my readers. If you're sure about starting your own auction and need tips, feel free to PM me. I'm glad to give advice where it's needed.**

**To those who've bidded on RUKIA: The dark, maako oro, MisplacedSanity and Liechland are at the top of the list for Rukia. By next chapter, I'll be narrowing down on the contestants. IF YOU HAVE NOT BIDDED ON RUKIA, DO IT NOW. If you've already bidded on Rukia, I'd advise you add to your current offers. Happy bidding! :)**


	10. Chapter 10

I sigh and wipe the fine sheen of perspiration from my brow in success of the close of what had transpired earlier that day. Crowd-control had come in, decked out in hard-plated vests with batons to drive the stampeding frenzy out of the stadium. Rukia, meanwhile, had hidden under the pile of loot she'd amassed on the platform from all her fans, away from the chaos.

"Hello, everyone," I breathe, waving nonchalantly to the handful I'd mandated to stay within the grounds.

"When do I get to disect my willing subject?" Mayuri speaks up, effectively killing the moment I was in.

I screw around all in one spasmodic, perfunctory motion.

"WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND CUTTING PEOPLE UP?"

"I'm a scientist, you simpleton. It is my divine right, bequeathed upon me by the gods, to uncover whatever there is to learn, wherever it may be." I look at him blankly and shrug my shoulders.

"To Mangareader125," I say, "I appreciate you speaking your mind. My brain has been in the frier recently so I'm sorry if things are being unnecessarily drawn out. As for putting two people on auction at the same time, I have already done that with both Shirosaki and Ichigo. I can do it again if it pleases the readers that much."

My eyes scan the area wearily and I duck backstage before dragging a bound figure from behind the satan red curtain. Grimmjow howls muffled profanity around the duck tape sealed over his mouth and lashes out with his feet, which are bound together with rope.

"Another reluctant participator," I inform those who are watching.

**ZangetsuJakes: "Can you bid even if you don't have a profile?"**

"Ah." I stand up as Grimmjow flashes me a dirty look. "Yes, you can. HOWEVER, I would advise having one, because I've had those who use their anonymity to bid, then bash, or whichever comes first. Don't bash, or flame, or hate on others."

**"If I can bid on Grimmjow, I bid the entirety of Hueco Mundo as his kingdom, Aizen to use as a scratching post-" **Grimmjow stops thrashing at that, eyes wide with appeal **"-a fight with an Ichigo clone every day of the week, and a Luppi clone to beat up! I hope you let me bid. OH! And I'll get a million Hollow servants for him that always tell him how AWESOME HE IS! And I promise not to "glomp" him. Or let anyone else do that for that matter."**

Grimmjow begins to bite and gnaw past the tape while Rukia frets in the background about who she is going to choose. IT WAS SO DIFFICULT TO PICK BECAUSE OF ALL THE CHAPPY ITEMS AND NICE PEOPLE!

**0Kuro Tenshi0: "Hi, I'd like to bid on Grimmjow. My offer: A world that you could rule all by yourself as the king. Watcha say?" **

"Hell yeah!" Grimmjow exclaims, the tape in shreds on the ground.

**twijazluver: "Hmmm...I bid...2,000 bunnies, all named Chappy, a 100 foot tall chocolate sculpture of Chappy, 20 Chappy plushies, a Chappy costume, a Chappy purse, a certificate of ownership of Chappy, an art studio as big as a mansion, a genie (shaped like Chappy), and the Official, one and only actual Chappy the Bunny!"**

"Blegh!" Grimmjow growled, pretending to wretch and attempt in vain to vomit. "What the FUCK is a Chappy?" Rukia glowers from her corner of solittude in the studio, where she is going over her options in peace.

**SuppaOtaku: "I bid my virginity for Grimmjow, or more if you'd like?"**

Everybody masters their perfect WTF? face in shock.

"I think that one takes the cake..." I mumble.

"_I'LL _TAKE IT!" Grimmjow howls, grinning ferally. I kick him in the face. "Quiet, you pervert! You haven't heard all the bids yet! What if there are other people who want you?"

He spits on the ground. "Who the fuck cares?" He then rolls his eyes heavenward at my illogical approach to this matter. Who WOULDN'T want sex as an offer for freedom from this psychotic authoress? Except for Ulquiorra, that is...That damn bastard had a stick up his ass the size of his own sword.

"I heard that," I say, interrupting the Sexta's train of thought.

"Heard what?" he grumbles, looking anywhere else but at me.

"Your thoughts," I say evilly, eyes narrowing. Grimmjow starts, head whipping around to my direction.

I laugh retardedly and he snorts. "You lie."

"And how would YOU know?" He looks confused...or mind-fucked. Either one is optional.

"I'VE GOT IT!" Rukia squeals, startling everyone there from the stunned silence I'd enduced.

I stand up from my crouched position over Grimmjow, who is sitting cross-legged on the edge of the platform with a miffed expression. Rukia scurries over to me and leans up on tip-toes to whisper in my ear.

Grimmjow scoots a bit closer, wanting to be clued in on what is being said. He _wasn't _eavesdropping. He was just bored.

After I'd been informed of what is going on, I put my hand into my pocket and retrieve a slip of paper.

"The results have now been offically narrowed down. MISPLACEDSANITY HAS WON RUKIA!" I usher Rukia backstage so she can go wait for her new owner. "Maako Oro, you came extremely close. I'm really sorry. Immensely so, in fact, because I really loved your bid. I'm so sorry, guys!" I throw my arms up in the air. "Ninja bunnies _do _rock!"

**To Be Continued...**

**Molipop595: Of course Nel is going on Auction. The only thing I can't guarantee is that MINOR characters will go on Auction. Examples are Chizuru Honsho or Sora Inoue. However, if you ask in a review for a minor character to be included in the Auction, then I'll definitely see to it. To all my readers, NNOITORA is going on Auction next chappy alongside Grimmjow, so don't hesitate. Throw your bids on up there. My highest apologies and commendation go to all who bidded on Rukia. If I could have, I would have chosen all of you, I really would. I stalled so many times until this chapter because I thought I had it, then I would lose it.**

**Ultimately, I delayed the inevitable outcome, and now here it is. Congratulations go to MisplacedSanity, Liechland, Skywalker T-65, The dark, maako oro, twijaxlover and everybody else.**

**In a way, you all won Rukia. I thank you for all the offers. They were all unique and truely brilliant. **

It was quiet in the stadium. Well, as quiet as it could be with Grimmjow's yacking and complaining.

He'd settled down a bit, but he would still put a word or two out there every minute or so about how he wouln't mind some alcohol about now.

Of the snide remarks he made just to torture me, he'd mentioned Mangareader 125's offer: the pictures of Kaien on the beach.

I now lay in the background sobbing my ass off. "NOOOO!" Grimmjow cackles manically.


	11. Chapter 11

"Oh no, no, no," he declares. "_I _am the Esapada's best. _I _am the strongest. People should be bidding their virginity for ME, DAMMIT! NOT GRIMMJOW! HE'S INFERIOR TO ME! HE'S LOWER-RANKED!" Nnoitora stomps his foot—clad in what, upon further inspection, were elf shoes—voice rising a couple of octaves on every single "I" as he sweeps on with his tantrum.

I sigh as the tirade is punctuated with a fiery, "THE FUCK!" to which I react by throwing my shoe at his head.

Ever since the _Quinto _Espada had awoken from his chloroform-induced choma, he'd done nothing but complain—not to say there isn't much to gripe about when one is roused from the dead with a huge migraine. But still, he can be a bit more _grateful. _Hovering in the afterlife isn't exactly the greatest past-time.

**ZangetsuJakes: "Thanks for letting me bid, Kevvy! I promise I won't bash anyone! I'm nice! Really!"**

"I'm assured by that," I say, sighing and closing my eyes for a brief rest from the havoc resulting out of the corner of my peripherial vision. Grimmjow is now effectively displaying his dominance in a cat-fight with Nnoitora, who is doing a good show of handing his ass to the _Sexta. _

"It's good to see people are being nice." I exhale heavily. "There's so much violence these days. Maybe putting two men in the same room together wasn't such a good idea." A horrendous crash from behind me confirms that my worry was indeed reasonable.

Chairs go hurtling through the air followed by an array of people who were unfortunate enough to be bystanders to this spectacle. A few were, regrettably, injured. To top that, **ZangetsuJakes' **bid was drowned out by all the racket, further pissing me off. A vein throbs at my temple.

"HEY! KEEP IT DOWN! I'M DISCUSSING IMPORTANT BUSINESS!" I howl, jaw clenched.

I flick my wrist, summoning help on stand-by to go get the information I needed.

**twijazluver: "For Nnoitora...M'kay, I bid 100 female servants that are barely dressed who will do anything (ANYTHING)-" **

"Oooo, emphasis on "anything"," I say, waggling my eyebrows as Nnoitora whoops and hollars in the background.

**"-he wants, the power to never, EVER lose in a fight, my best friend Christine as his personal slave, and all of Hueco Mundo.**

**I think I have a good chance of getting Nnoitora...No one else wants him..."**

"WHAT?!" Nnoitora howls, doing a complete turn-around. "THE FUCK?!"

"Here we go again," I grumble as the tooth-pick thin Espada begins to throw himself this way and that in a diatribe of outrage at the gall some people had.

"NOTHING WILL SWAY ME! NOTHING!" He waves his fist at nothing in particular—the heavens, perhaps, most likely—his hair swinging over his shoulders with his erratic movements. He continues to preach regardless of the fact no one is listening.

"I'LL SHOW _ALL _OF YOU! **I... AM... THE BEST!**"

Grimmjow rolled his eyes, quickly tiring of all the melodrama. He was just a cosmic milisecond from hitching himself to some poor sucker and driving this thing home. He couldn't stand a minute more of all this madness. It was agonizing. He was appalled that weird-haired hostess hadn't flung herself into the path of an oncoming train yet. The woman must have some brass balls to stand this kind of pandemonium.

"That I do," I mumble, reclining in a nearby lawn chair situated on the edge of the platform.

"Stop that," Grimmjow growls.

"Stop what?" I say innocently, looking at him with a dull expression.

"Reading my mind."

"But it's so fun," I state. He flops back down onto the stage floor and picks at the space between two floorboards, mildly—and morbidly—hoping there will be some mass explosion and they would all die in it.

**xJ11Cx: "I don't like Grimmjow. But I love to make people disappointed. So I bid on Grimmjow."**

"Wow," I say softly, "that's...mean."

"Nope, that's thinking like an Espada," Grimmjow tells me.

**"I bet the Hogyoku. The real one. Don't let anyone tell you different. It will allow him to become the most powerful Espada ever, and not only defeat Ichigo, but bring back Aizen and kill him again. And take all the virginities he wants. It's messed up, but he won't care."**

"Hah!" Grimmjow exclaims, listlessly tracing a pattern on the hardwood floorboards. "Why would I want the Hogyoku?! It's a piece o' shit in my hands. Ichigo and I had our fight. And Aizen's in fucking prison for 20,000 years until he's a rotten corpse. I have no worries.

But I will take the virgins!" He grins insanely, showing off his pearly whites.

**misuto58: "I offer Grimmjow the world to rule. He can beat up Aizen as much as he wants; Aizen will also be his butler and will tell him how freaking cool he is. I will help him rule the Soul Society and Hueco Mundo. All the money he wants and bad-ass sexy clothes he wants. Also, Aizen will be in a maid outfit forever!"**

Grimmjow begins laughing his ass off of that. "I LIKE THAT! THAT'S FUCKIN' PRICELESS!"

"Could we tone the language down to PG-13?" I grind out, seething.

"Yeah, tone the language down, you son of a bi-" Nnoitora begins mockingly, and is knocked off his feet as Grimmjow barrels into him.

**ValentineRevenge: "For Nnoitora: I'm bidding (for starters) 1,000 pairs of home made socks. Cause we all know how hard it is to find socks for someone with feet that size."**

"DAMN STRAIGHT!" Grimmjow howls, laughing his ass off as Nnoitora looks down at his feet in dismay.

"THE HELL?! MY FEET AREN'T BIG!" he cries, flailing. "They're just an unusual size!"

"It's the same thing!" Grimmjow exclaims, flopping around the ground and holding his sides.

**"Besides making his socks, I promise him he will not be subject to any spoons/sattelite dishes. He will also not have to be subjected to raving, rabid fangirls. In fact, he will be treated with the upmost respect, including all of the residents of Shrimpville (my own little country I made up!), who will bow down to him, cowering in fear whenever he gets pissed."**

"SHRIMPVILLE!?" Noitora raves in the background. "IS THAT S'PPOSED TO BOOST MY SELF-ESTEEM OR SOMETHING?"

**"He will also be treated fairly similar to a king, and be fed the best that can be cooked! Also, the roofs will be tall enough, so his head/hood doesn't scrap against it. (come on, you gotta know that with that hood, he has to be easily 8 feet fall, maybe more)."**

"NOT TRUE!" he bellows.

**"Plus...this is the killer right here...As much porn as his perverted self could ever want."**

"I'll take that," Grimmjow says offhandedly.

"IT WAS FOR ME!"

"So?" comes the growl. Noitora sucker-punches Grimmjow in the face, sending him hurtling from his high-and-mighty pedestal.

**Mangareader: "To Kevvy Talks: I bid the Kaien plushy I just made to get Mayuri kicked out of the auction house and never to be put on the betting table. (who would want an S&M pervert)."**

"IT MUST BE AN EXACT LIKENESS!" I bellow, pointing my forefinger heavenward. I then proceed to turn into my dark corner of gloom and twiddle my thumbs. "But I'd rather have the too-hot-to-be-legal photos," I mumble. A random assistant who I'm not acquainted with goes over to receive the rest of the bid Mangareader posted for Grimmjow while said _Sexta _pounces on the chance to milk the bidder for everything.

**"And I'll add incriminating photos, that are 100% real, that Mr. Emo is really a lap dog and the spoon is a wimp..." **

"You don't say? And these photos really _are _authentic..." Grimmjow says in a low voice, interested.

Nnoitora comes over to see what the hubbub is, just in time to hear Mangareader address him, **"To the spoon: I don't like you so I won't bid on you, short and sweet and to the point..."**

"WHAAAT?!" Nnoitora fumes, balling his hands into fists. "Wh-Wha-Why you-" He chockes off the profanity bubbling up inside him and flips Grimmjow off as he snickers. "SHOVE IT, GRIMMJOW!"

I exhale heavily, rubbing my temples at the excessive use of derogatory words.

**Anime-Kisses: "Good to see Rukia went to a good home!"**

"Oh, hi, Anime-Kisses!" I declare, waving. "I hope Jushiro's doing good in your care!"

**"I'm not sure if Momo counts as a minor character, but in case she does, I'd like to make a request for her to go on bid."**

"Momo is not a minor character. Characters that weren't necessarily involved in major plot points or made rare appearances are considered minor characters. Ashido, Hisana, Chizuru, Keigo and Ochi are such examples."

**"For Grimmjow: Give him the collector's edition "Neko-Chappy" so he can understand the amazing-ness of Chappy!" **

"OH GOD NO!" Grimmjow howls. He kicks some unidentified object, sending it hurtling into the audience. It hits some poor guy in the face, breaking his nose. Later, we would find out he sold the item on eBay and got tons of cash for it.

"THAT'S IT, NO MORE. NU-UH! NO WAY! I'M **DONE**!" He waves me off as he stalks off to the far corner of the stage to contemplate his options.

Nnoitora blows into a fit when Anime-Kisses asks if she can throw blunt and sometimes sharp objects at him, to which I naturally say "okay"...because I'm getting a Kaien bobble-head as a reward. Yay me. :)

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE! DON'T I GET EVEN AN INCH OF KINDNESS?!" Nnoitora explodes, looking around for something to tear up. Luckily, I'd child-proofed everything there and all the chairs were bolted to the floor, so when Nnoitora comes over to rip my seat out from under me, it won't budge.

"Nice try," I state, glaring down at him. Nnoitora then proceedes to expend himself through verbal abuse, directed at practically everyone present.

Then he gets pissed off when Babbit2 and ninjdo come along to give their bids to Grimmjow, leaving him alone in the background.

**BLEACHFMARxJ Freak: "I do have an account but can't login. Anyways I will give/do whatever Grimmjow wants because he is very sexy." **

Grimmjow says nothing, but flashes me and Nnoitora a shit-eating grin.

Noitora storms off stage.

I yawn.

Grimmjow cackles, surrounded by his fan-girls...and virgins.

**A/N: NOTICE: If your bids do not come up in a chapter or parts were purposely omitted, it was probably because they had too much content. I DO acknowledge them, I just can't always put everything up because the chapter would end up unnecessarily long. Your chances of getting a character aren't lessened in the slightest.**

**LadyOfSlytherin101: I'm terribly sorry you were late to getting Ukitake. My sentiments also go out to everybody else who was too late to secure a bid for their desired character.**

**Though this is not a Q&A, I am willing to answer questions in the emboldened section at the end of each chapter I post or via PM.**

**If anyone has a problem understanding something or wants to ask something concerning the Auction, you can do so in your bids.**

**Concerning a question I received about Nel: I did the auction with Hollow Ichigo and Ichigo as separate people because they are separate personalities. I felt there would be a conflict of interests if I put them up as both one person.**

**Nel is just one person, child or woman, so she will be bid on as both her toddler and grown self. Rukia and Dark Rukia are separate.**

**SilverEternity: DAMN that bid was LONG. But you definitely secured a place for yourself to get Grimmjow. Next chapter, Grimmjow will choose his master. Remember, bid again if you aren't happy with your offer, have fun, and enjoy the awesome-ness that is the Auction.**

**Thanks go out to all my readers!**

**I shut up now.**

**P.S.: Zangetsu-Jakes, I got your bid. Don't worry. Grimmjow and Noitora will be extensively punished.**

"WHAT?!" they bellow.

**P.P.S: I know they have filthy potty-mouths. That will also be dealt with.**

Screams are heard from the background.


	12. Chapter 12

There's a giant caterwauling in the background. I'm spread out on a lawn chair, dozing to my heart's content. Mayuri's among the pack of bidders, waving his scapel optimistically for the chance to take a slice off Grimmjow should he roll off the stage amidst his heated clash with Nnoitora.

The _quinta _Espada is so far proving to be a fierce competitor. He gnashes his teeth, splaying his arms to catch Grimmjow as the teal-haired male smashes into him.

**Silver Eternity: "Nnoitora, of course you don't get an inch of kindness, you're a sexist uppity asshole who deserves nothing less than a kick in the balls! Especially for beating up Grimmjow!"**

Grimmjow flashes Silver Eternity a sexy smile just as she shoots Nnoitora with a syringe gun full of sedatives. Simultaneously, Mangareader125 bashes him for his foul potty-mouth and throws a bar of soap into his mouth, which hits the mark dead-on.

Nnoitora's eyes roll up into the back of his head so that only his sclera are visible and he goes limp, crumpling on the stage like a ragdoll.

**"Grimmjow, I add on to my previous offer- I will give you Nnoitora clones to tear apart, as many as you like, and enough power to trounce even Aizen in his butterfly mode or Starrk on a bad day! Further, if necessary, as your queen- mind you, again, NOT treating you like a slave or an animal- I would go out and bring you back virgins to deflower should you desire them. Or clone some, whichever you prefer."**

A long grin splits Grimmjow's lips and he lifts his arms to thread his fingers together behind his head, flexing his biceps. All the fangirl's in the stadium drool. Nnoitora snores.

As for me, I caterpault out of my chair as soon as I hear Kaien's voice.

"Kevvy...you don't love me anymore to accept me in a bid?" Mangareader's Kaien plushy begins to tear up and I bawl. "I'm not downplaying you, Kaien! I LOVE YOU!"

**Mangareader125: "Is he authentic enough for you? You made him cry!"**

"OH MY GAWD! I DIDN'T MEAN IT, I SWEAR! KAIEN, BABY, I'D DO ANYTHING FOR YOU!" I wail, flailing around onstage.

**"There, there, Kaien, it's okay..." **Mangareaders pats the Kaien plushy on the back as I go crazy.

ZangetsuJakes proceeds to come forth and put up his offer for none other than Grimmjow—no surprise there. I fly behind stage sobbing my ass off as the proposal rises to vacation homes, a chef from a 6 star restaurant (whose specialties are filet mignon and T-bone steak), a special sushi chef and a shitload of pies of every variety...including one with "Spoon-head" as the main ingredient.

"THE FUCKITY FUCK?!" Nnoitora screeches, flying in a fit of rage from his cataleptic state.

**"Nnoitora...I'll give you Tesla if you come with me, and respite from crazy hater-girls."**

Grimmjow just begins laughing his off ass hysterically at the roundabout way in which Nnoitora has been insulted. "PUT IN A PIE AND _THEN _GIVEN RESPITE! HAHAHAHA!" Grimmjow bends over clutching his sides, heaving for breath. "MAN, YOU WON'T EVER GET A BREAK, WILL YA?"

Nnoitora snarls, pacing the platform like a savage animal. I come out behind the velvet curtains with a large box of tissues just as Grimmjow is pulled aside to discuss with Mangareader about the ultimate blackmailing trump card being presented.

**twijazluver: "LMAO. I laughed so fucking hard. When is Nnoitora going to choose?"**

"Probably never if people keep pissing him off," I say, voice muffled as I pluck a tissue from the box and hold it to my puffy red eyes. "Lately, I've learned something quite surprising. A _lot _of people hate Nnoitora. I can't fathom why. I actually like his character." A split-second later, **TheMadamesOfInsanity** pops up out of the audience to bid on Nnoitora.

**"Okay, I bid an entire world of people ranging from different power levels, weak to strong, for you fight and kill, as well as the most delicious food you can get your hands on. I won't bother you at all, and I'll even make you a clone of Nelliel for you if you want to kill or make fun of her. I'll let you kill anyone who calls you 'Spoonie' as well! Please, please be mine."**

Nnoitora shrugs almost acceptingly as my attendant rushes up on stage and hands me a piece of paper.

"Okay, peeps, I've got the results," I say, and look over at Grimmjow, who is nearly being swallowed up by the throng below the stage as he signs autographs and takes off his jacket, tossing it to **Mangareader125.**

"The winner for Grimmjow..." The crowd squeals "...is **Silver Eternity!**" I throw confetti around wildly and accidentally toss some into Nnoitora's mouth as he correctly spells out masseuse for Valentine Revenge.

"M-A-S-S-A-EAAAGH!" Nnoitora begins to flail around, fingers wrapped around his neck as he desparately attempted to regurgitate the confetti.

**"I will try my best to also win Tesla so you have someone to beat up and order around besides the residents of Shrimpville," ValentineRevenge** added. She also went on to say about his attractive masseuse, his freedom of movement in Shrimpville, and how he would be allowed to destroy whatever the hell he wanted...all while Nnoitora chocked to death.

As the color fled the Arrancar's complexion, Grimmjow went over to kick his corpse in the kidneys before rushing off to meet **Silver Eternity**. "I'M STARVING! AND THIRSTY! WHERE'S MY BEER?" he demanded, sauntering back-stage to assault or harass my assistants while he waited for **Silver Eternity**.

Meanwhile, Nnoitora just lay there on the floor, dead as a door-nail.

I could ressurect him, but he wouldn't be revived until next chapter, so this soliloquy is really pointless.

"Until next time, my beloved readers!" I declare, waving to my audience as I drag Nnoitora's corpse away to be revived.

**To be continued...**

**In memorium of his recent passing, Choujirou Sasakibe is going on Auction next chappy. However, because he's not all that famous among fans, I'm going to speed up the process by adding another character on the bidder's block: Orihime Inoue.**

**So next chappy, CHOJIROU, NNOITORA, AND ORIHIME will be on Auction. Don't waste time and bid as soon as possible! Your fav character could be gone before you know it.**

**A solid FYI for all those who are bidding on Nnoitora: A lot of you insult him and **_**then **_**bid. What's up with that? It's not really helping your chances of winning him over, if you know what I mean...**

**He seems to be getting away from me these days and acting out on his own...which is weird. So I have no clue when he'll make a decision. It could take a while, so fans, please be patient. In the meantime, I've put up Chojirou and Orihime for Auction to keep this thing going.**

**Mangareader125: Your offer is spectacular, and I would like nothing more than to accept. Unfortunately, as wonderful as the Kaien plushy sounds, I could end up inadvertently pissing off someone who might actually like Mayuri, so I have to decline.**

**I know, I know, it sucks, but I have to give every Bleach character a chance, no matter how much of an filthy, abominable asshole they might be. Unless of course, there are more requests like yours to remove Mayuri from the betting table, then I would be more than happy to oblige. :)**


	13. Chapter 13

Everyone part of the Auction had spilled through the entryway and filed neatly into the stadium with only minimal pushing and shoving.

They had packed into every nook and cranny available so far and some people had even managed to climb up onto the beams in the rafters overhead or were piggy-backing on taller, broud-shouldered attendees. A panic had broken out earlier in the crowd because Kenpachi and Mayuri had gone at it again over who was going to slice-and-dice the new meat going on the block today.

Today, it was the ginger with the big tits. Of course, Nnoitora wasn't allowed to say "tits" because this shenanigan was PG-13 and slowly devaluing to PG because their very cheap host liked keeping the peace, among other things.

Last chapter, Nnoitora had died—yes, _died_—because that dumb-ass, Kevvy, had tossed a handful of confetti in his mouth and blocked his airways. She had revived him to his former perfection, but he was still reeling over the idiocy of it—being killed by confetti.

That asshole Grimmjow had finally taken a hike. Good. More of the limelight for him, then.

Yamamoto was at the bottom of the stage having an intense discussion with Kevvy over the clamor of the audience. They were conversing at normal volume, but Nnoitora could only make out a couple of words that gave him enough of an idea that the subject of their debate was Chojirou.

The old fart was probably trying to bid on his lieutenant.

The high-pitched screeching of Mayuri continued droning on to the point of inducing migraines, and Nnoitora finally scooted his ass on over to the edge of the platform and looked down into the throng.

The mad scientist—no madder than Szayel—waved his scalpel and stabbed at the air a couple of times to get his message across to everyone close to him: I dislike physical contact and I will cut off any appendages that cross the bounds of my personal space.

Not to mention he was trying to get Kevvy's attention by repitively howling his offers, specifically for Orihime. There was really no telling what he wanted with her. _Maybe he wants to add her to his harem, _Nnoitora thought. Did Reapers even have harems?

They must. They were freakin' death gods, there wasn't any way they _didn't _have some harem tucked away.

"HEY, YOU WINDBAG! SHUT UP! NO ONE'S INTERESTED IN YOUR SICK FANTASIES!" Nnoitora bellowed.

Mayuri's eyes narrowed and he pointed with one long bony finger at Nnoitora, singling him out.

"You," he said, and his voice was audible over the chaos. He then proceeded to belt out through the crowd in order to assault Kevvy with his twisted offers.

**ZangetsuJakes: "I'm sorry for insulting you, Nnoitora, but you're a bad guy." **

He scoffed, crossing his legs and leaning back on the palms of his hands.

**"But look on the bright side, people really like to hate really good bad guys (if that makes any sense) so that's why a lotta people don't like you."**

"That was so contradictory to itself it didn't make any sense," Nnoitora said.

**ZangetsuJakes **went over to talk to Kevvy about Mayuri and gave Orihime a stuffed teady bear because she was so nice, which earned her a rib-crushing hug. Nnoitora swore to god he thought for a moment that **ZangetsuJakes **would get swallowed up by those massive jugs of Orihime's. It was terrifying to watch.

"Thank you so much!" the ginger cried, ebullient, finally letting go of the poor auction-goer.

Nnoitora jolted when Kevvy suddenly screamed and began flailing around, A _Seireitei Swimsuit Monthly _in her clutches. She was ecstatic. That probably had to do with the fact that is was the Kaien Shiba issue.

So basically Kevvy took up glomping **ZangetsuJakes **right after Orihime, and there were plenty of hugs all around. Then Noitora jumped again when **ZangetsuJakes **addressed him out of nowhere.

**"And Nnoitora! I don't hate you, let's be clear about that. You can come with me and I promise I won't bake you into any pies or torture you or insult you more times than you insult me. I will give you a Jacuzzi, I will take care of Santa Teresa for you and I'll allow no hater-people with soap or confetti anywhere near you if you come with me.**

I will also give you a house anywhere you want and I'll make sure Kevvy can never, ever find you ever again. You don't even have to have contact with me if you don't want to."

The _Quinta Espada _looked over at Kevvy, who seriously didn't even appear to care about the part of the review that concerned her. She just seemed happy spazzing over her swimsuit issue.

He wouldn't admit it, but he hated and respected her...which was paradoxical in a way.

It took a really weird person to market characters and expect almost nothing in return.

It definitely wouldn't have been his idea, that's for sure.

**"I'm a girl, in case that isn't clear," ZangetsuJakes **pointed out randomly.

"Actually, that helps," Kevvy said. "I wouldn't want to mistakenly be under the impression you're a guy, so thank you for putting that out there."

**"I think I changed my mind." **

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!" Nnoitora bellowed, arms flailing around.

**"I would like to bid on Sasikibe-san. You are the 1st squad's fuku-taichou, correct? I'm trying to get my characters straight in my head."**

Chojirou bowed his head politely. "Correct," he said. A man of few words, obviously.

Nnoitora hated him immediately. Chojirou didn't have to say anything. He was a jack-of-all-trades and he was fairly polite, not to mention he had a bad-ass bankai. He wouldn't be difficult like most of the other indecisive dumb-asses that had passed through here. He would pick an offer quick and be gone.

Unlike Nnoitora, who had been here for awhile and then some.

**Tsunami Jeagerjaques: "Nnoitora! If you belong to me, I will give you an AizenWeakenInator so you can beat him up."**

"And what exactly IS that?" Nnoitora asked speculatively.

**"And beer. And ladies. Big-boobied Russian ladies. And pie. No one can forget about pie."**

Nnoitora's jaw clenched just thinking about how **ZangetsuJakes **had wanted to put him in a pie for Grimmjow.

**"And I have a massive collection of weaponry so you won't be bored! And I'm available if you like black-haired, green-eyed 6' 3" big-boobed (I'm a D cup) thin waisted and delicious hipped women. And I have a nice ass so...come to mama! I have cookies!"**

"Damn!" Nnoitora exclaimed. It sounded like every guy's dream girl, except taller. He liked that.

"Well, that was...very descriptive," Kevvy said nearby.

**Niji Hitomi Kabra: "First, this is an absolutely wonderful idea."**

"Why, thank you," Kevvy says, obviously flattered. Nnoitora rolled his eyes.

**"Second, for Nnoitora-sama, I can only offer myself and Tesla to be willing slaves to be used in any way Master wishes to use us...and I do mean ANYTHING." **

"Oh," Nnoitora articulated, brow arching.

**"However, on the off chance that he has already chosen, I'd like to offer a lifetime supply of taiyaki for Renji-kun whenever he comes up on the block. It's a low bid but one can't reveal all of one's cards up front."**

"So true!" Kevvy declares, and Kenpachi screams, "LEMME CUT SOMETHING UP!"

"Later," she tells him. Nnoitora grimaced as the huge brute swung his sword and a ton of aution-goers ducked just in time to get a clean trim.

A dirty, raggedy old teddy bear crawled up onto the stage with much struggle and finally flopped over onto the edge. It raised a clawed paw and, pointing heavenward, said, "I bid for Orihime...I'll give you...the land of pleasure."

Kon let his stuffed arm fall limp by his side and allowed his head to idly loll to the side. He took one look at Nnoitora, who was glaring at him with disdain, and went, "What the fuck happened to your face?"

For the nth time, Nnoitora Jiruga had been insulted. His name had been slandered and he'd been dragged through the mud. Granted, some people were actually nice to him, but this was the last straw.

Furious, Nnoitora gritted his teeth together and leaned forward, snatching up the ugly lion.

Kon then commenced to scream bloody murder as he ripped his stuffing out. Orihime didn't bother to go to Kon's aid because her attention had been diverted by **AbaraiArekushisu.**

**"I would like to bid for Orihime. Inoue-san, I offer you an unlimited gold card to buy any food you want, a super deluxe kitchen equipped with state of the art kitchen gadgets to cook in, AND 100 Kurosaki-kun clones to do with as you please."**

"Oh, yay!" Orihime said, clapping her hands together and smiling brilliantly. Her bubbly personality practically affected everyone there. A couple of the men present in the crowd sighed dreamily.

Noitora snarled savagely as he bit off Kon's ear and ran his face a couple of hundred times into the floor, in no way moved by the ginger girl as the other men.

"Are the clones like cyborgs?" Orihime asked curiously. "Or are they totally flesh and blood. And what will they wear! Would it be tuxedos? Tuxedos are so cool!"

She began to drool slightly as she visualized what Ichigo would like in a tuxedo. "And what's blue men repellant?" she asked when **AbaraiArekushisu **went on about adding 10 bottles of this repellant and 2 super-sized jars of wasabi and red bean paste.

"Oh, that reminds me that I ran out of red bean paste! Thank you so much!"

**"You don't have to be my slave or anything weird like that, just my friend. How does that sound?"**

"It sounds great! I would love that! We could play Monopoly and bake a red-bean paste cake, and make all sorts of outfits for the clones, because that's a lot of clothes for so many Ichigos!"

Orihime continued babbling on and on as Nnoitora finished up his dirty work with Kon. Nothing but fluff remained of the filthy little piece of garbage. No doubt, Kevvy would revive him later when he was need for the Auction, but for now he would bask in the pleasure that mauling it had earned.

**anime-kisses: "Sasakibe is on Auction? Yay! I bid an elegant mansion, full of western furnishings and a butler, who will keep everything tidy and make you tea, so you don't have to do it. Seriously, after that last attempt of yours, we never want you making tea again."**

Chojirou looked a bit surprised by this kindness, and expressed his appreciation by nodding and giving a soft-spoken, "Thank you."

**"Also, I shall try and bid on Yama-jii, or at least arrange some playdates. **

**P.S.: Hi, Orihime! I baked you a pie! With love!"**

Orihime waved to **Anime-kisses **and smiled, her boobs bouncing slightly with her erratic movements.

A lot of people, including Nnoitora, had to refrain from staring.

"I _will _have my chance," Mayuri said from his place in the crowd. A peeved auction-goer who'd been listening to Mayuri's bullshit all day and was fed up, turned and punched him in the face. Which inspired others to follow suit.

After the first fist was thrown, turmoil broke out and it created a mass effect which resulted in everybody punching everybody.

Kevvy screamed over the chaos to get crowd control and Nnoitora ducked back-stage to escape the disaster. Chojirou and Orihime were ushered away as well, and the fun was suddenly all over.

"I CAN'T STAND THIS CRAP!" Nnoitora howled, yanking on fistfuls of his hair. "I'M OUTTA HERE! SHRIMPVILLE HERE I COME!"

"CONGRATS, VALENTINEREVENGE! YOU WON NNOITORA!" Kevvy shouted, and shrieked as she was hauled off-stage by the crazy auction-goers.

Nnoitora bolted for the door.

He internally swore he would never eat pie again.

**To be continued...**

**I usually write the chapters from my point of view, but I only went out of my way once to write it from the perspective of another outside character (a.k.a. Ulquiorra). I liked doing it so much I decided to do it again with Nnoitora because it was refreshing to be on the sidelines while someone else did all the thinking. I understand if it's a bit confusing and I promise it won't be a regular occurence, I just figured maybe everyone would like the different angle.**

**Oh, and for some reason, alot of you readers bid pie or give out pie. Is there some pie craze going on I don't know about? lol. For those who didn't see their bids put up, they will be on the next chapter, I promise. COMING UP, MAYURI KUROTSUCHI IS GOING ON AUCTION. ANYONE WHO IS INTERESTED SUBMIT YOUR BIDS BECAUSE HE IS TEARING MY AUCTION APART.**


	14. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14**

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><p>While I drool over the hotness in my newly acquired Seireitei Swimsuit Monthly, Chojirou makes a show of serenely walking back-stage after he had resigned to his fate. It was an accepting expression he wore, not one that indicated in any way that he resented the position he'd been put in. An elegant way to leave the room.<p>

Its probably the only positive reaction I've gotten for my Auction from the one's being sold.

"It is with the upmost gratitude that I take **Anime-Kisses** as my owner," he says to the crowd.

Yamamoto looks okay with this turn-out of events, and does not utter a word as his lieutenant exits the premises. No one else really seems to care, anyway. Even in death, Chojirou is still unpopular to them.

Meanwhile, Mayuri trolls around onstage looking for little children to devour...

**KurosakiCrystal18: "Inoue, you get all sorts of different, comfy clothes, Ichigo as an all-time BODYGUARD against rapists-"**

"RAPISTS? WHERE?" I howl, whipping out a big-ass machete from nowhere. "I'LL CUT THEIR DICKS OFF!" A stagnant silence falls over the room, leaving me hanging with my weapon raised over my head.

No one in the audience claims to be a rapist. They would have to have a death wish to want to go against me and my awesome machete...which, may I add, is the very machete Jason Vorhees used to slaughter everyone on Friday the 13th. So who _wouldn't _want to get their appendage (or any appendage to speak of) cut off by such a legendary blade?

Behind me, **KurosakiCrystal **continues to bombard Orihime with insane offers and an abundance of fun, happiness, eternal awesomeness, and a tremendous unlimited amount of red bean paste. It seemed everybody around here was pro-red bean paste.

Such copious amounts of one food made Mayuri nauseous. Not that he cared to share such information about himself, no matter if it was something as unsophisticated as his favorite color. He didn't "share". He wasn't the sharing type. All these congenial onlookers seemed so... fake. They were a curiosity, but it was only a fleeting feeling.

Awhile ago, his desire to dismember the participants in this bidding feud had resulted in a massive riot.

Everyone seemed under the grand delusion he was some ornery sadist.

Maybe that was true, but there was no accounting for taste. At least he didn't lie about being insane.

He knew very well what he was, and that was what divided him from every other blundering idiot that went up on that block. He seeked the truth, and he addressed the truth.

He was very direct and that made him come off as an asshole, but he was a scientist and he didn't believe in the roundabout way. He spoke his mind, and he was a realist. He didn't assume to do something unless he knew it was within his grasp.

He sort of wished he could dissect the Auction, but that was unrealistic. All he could do was put up with it.

His only outward expression towards this torture was to deride the event and the people participating.

He was restless and he didn't have anything to do, so he skulked around stage to look for something meaningful that would rouse his interest. To those watching, he appeared to be looking for little children to devour, but, oh no, there was a more sinister idea to his actions.

Or maybe it was possible he only wanted people to think that, certain people being Kevvy Talks, who was writing his internal monologue just to make this chapter possible.

"DAMMIT, MAYURI, I'M TRYING TO WRITE A CHAPTER HERE! MAKE SOME USEFUL THOUGHTS!" Kevvy screams nearby.

"No," Mayuri says, just as **Devil'sEyeAlchemist **comes flying out of fucking nowhere and glomps the mad scientist. **"I WILL HAPPILY BID ON MAYURI!"**

"How dare you touch me?!" Mayuri screeches, stumbling over to the edge of the stage where angry fan-haters try to snatch and grab at his robe to haul him off for some serious damage.

"I refuse to be treated like this. I am a distinguished captain! AND WHERE THE HELL IS NEMU?"

"She has yet to go up on Auction," Kevvy points out.

"I demand to be taken back to the Soul Society and have my zanpaku-to returned to me!"

"Not unless you choose an owner."

"I am not owned, merely bargained with. The only way someone will be taking me from this platform is if they have the overconfidence to partner with me and follow all that it entails. I might even be willing to cut down on surgical procedures that could produce horrific scarring."

"You're sick!" someone in the audience screams. Mayuri just chuckles evilly.

"No one's going to bid on you with that kind of offer," Kevvy mumbles.

**Eternal Darkness 99: "Mayuri, I will give you a state of the art lab with anything you could ever want in it. I can also get you anybody you want to dissect."**

"I already have a lab. As for what I can dissect, that is not in question. I just need worthy specimens," Mayuri says, and slinks away.

**To be continued...**

**Next chapter, Orihime will be walking off the stage to the bidder who has secured ownership of her. That might be you, reader, so place a bid after you've read this chapter before it's too late or renew your bid if you've already placed one.**

**Mayuri's being a douchebag, but hopefully he might find a home also with his, erm...special requirements. CONGRATS, ANIMEKISSES, YOU ARE THE FIRST READER TO HAVE SECURED OWNERSHIP OF TWO CHARACTERS. Remember, there are TONS more characters to come.**

**NOTICE: In the beginning, I warned readers to wait until their character was on the block before they bid, to prevent an excess of bids in advance that I might not be able to keep track of.**

**Unfortunately, I've seen several people that have lost the chance to have a say for their character of choice because of this, and I am now urging you to bid in advance as you wish if you are unsure you will be there when a new chapter is posted.**

**I hope everybody is having fun and that you continue to bid. :)**

**See you next chappy. **


	15. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15**

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><p>Orihime lounged around in her own personal, cozy recliner, compliments of another drooling fan that couldn't keep his grubby paws to himself. Anybody who was prone to big-breasted women like herself wanted to cop a feel of the goods going up for auction.<p>

It was just human nature, or man's nature, since the majority that had fallen for her endowments were all male. There was the occasional lesbian, but they lingered towards the back row, unwilling to compete with some of the more vicious bidders that were piled one on top of the other at the bottom of the platform, their jaws hanging like ghoulish zombies, their eyes wide and glassy.

Their arms went flailing whenever Orihime went over to the side of the stage just to please some poor sobbing soul. She had been snagged once or twice, but I, the great Kevvy, intervened just in time to save the day from some tragedy or another occurring under my reign.

The day was going quite well. The only person that could possibly ruin it...was Mayuri.

I look over at the stiff evil genius, who insists of late on being called a scientist and not the designation I'd given him: Mr-Stick-Up-His-Ass. He'd already gone at lengths to refuse all offers promised to him.

He was rude and incorrigible, and he was, very frankly, making this game an absolute bore.

So far I'm sure he'd turned down most of the bids on his person just because he didn't want to hear them.

Now he was inspecting his nails and making it appear rather as though he was very absorbed in it.

**S.R.457: "I bid for Mayuri all specimens to test on from the Naruto, Bleach, and One Piece series, and the Hogyoku."**

"Interesting," Mayuri says. I blink in only partial intrigue. This was a response, something he hadn't given to the other proposals. He must be interested.

I mean, who could turn down the infamous Hogyoku, the tool with which Aizen had plotted to bring about mass destruction. Not to mention a plethora of other-worldly specimens.

**"Can give Hollow/Soul Reaper powers plz?"**

"In due time..Maybe some proper language skills can be arranged, as well. I don't understand this human code you use over your internet." Mayuri slides his left hand into his sleeve and pulls out a nail file, with which he uses to go to work on his one, bizzarely long fingernail.

Seconds later, **Mangareader125 **slams into the auction house. The reader has a beef with Mayuri, apparantly for holding him and Kaien plushy hostage in his lab. Mayuri being Mayuri, he, of course, denied all involvement.

For the time being, I go backstage to assume responsibility of the newcomer going on the block...leaving the children to play.

Once the havoc has been reduced to a simmer, **Mangareader125 **composes himself to a more civil behavior and redirects his attention to Orihime.

**"Miss. Orihime...though I don't think I have a chance now with the awesome bids for your affections...can we at least be friends? Please?"**

**Mangareader125 **masters the greatest puppy dog eyes in history.

**"I even baked you a cake with Ichigo and you on top of it (with Orihime wearing a prom dress and Ichigo a tuxedo). I hope you like it." Mangareader **gives a friendly smile.

Compelled by the temptation of **Mangareader's **puppy dog expression and sugary goodness, Orihime flies across the stage and glomps the reader.

"Of course we can be friends!" she cries, pressing the poor fan into her cleavage. "And we can get matching code rings so we can talk in a language only we understand! Oh, and a super secret club with a super secret password! Exclusive memberships!"

"Orihime, you're getting carried away!" Tatsuki yells from somewhere in the crowd.

"Oh, yeah. Sorry." Orihime giggles and gives **Mangareader125 **some room to breathe.

**ImSeriousBro: "Hey, Mayuri...I can't believe I'm going to try 'n win **_**you."**_

"...Doesn't even take me seriously..." Mayuri says audibly.

**"But anyways, I'll give you a whole new constructed lab, fit with the latest technology, Arrancar to dissect- shit, I'll try 'n get you whoever you want to dissect...uhuhuh...And I'll buy you pictures of clowns so you won't feel bad about your current face."**

"WHAT WAS THAT?" Mayuri screeches, his eyeballs bulging. "WHAT PART OF MY FACE EVEN REMOTELY RESEMBLES A CLOWN, YOU-"

Somebody in the crowd hurls an aluminum can at Mayuri's head, silencing him.

**"By the way, just because I'm a girl doesn't mean you'll be able to boss me around like you do Nemu. I'll eat your face if you do. ADIOS."**

Mayuri huffs heavily, attention diverted for the moment. He goes to scan the crowd for the fan who threw the aluminum can at him, so that he may cause bodily harm.

I walk out from backstage with a length of chain in my hand trailing behind me. Attached to it is the villain of the Hell Verse, Kokuto.

He is shackled by metal cuffs around his neck, wrists, and ankles. The chain I'm holding has a number of leads on it attached to the manacles so that he's forced to follow close behind.

He doesn't really seem fazed by the restraints and blinks sleepily as he walks onto the stage, groggy after being awakened from the deepest below ground prison in Hell.

"KOKUTO, YOU'RE SO SEXY!" a rabid fangirl screams, flinging herself at the bottom of the stage.

Kokuto's expression clears up at the exclamation and he gives a rugged smile at all the women swooning over him. "Didn't know you had such an avid fanbase," I murmur, keeping an eye out for those who might pole-vault onto the stage and charge us.

He shrugs. "What can I say...chicks dig the bad guys."

**Saria19: "I offer the full use of all results of my imagination to be used as test subjects for Mayuri!"**

In an instant, Saria makes a clone of Ichigo in bankai mode appear. Rabid fangirls start screaming and haul ass onto the stage so that they may rape him.

**"And as I am quite insane as well as imaginative, such figures would usually be more powerful (and submissive) than their originals!"**

Mayuri looks over the audience with a very chagrined look, honing in on his assailant.

"Where would the fun be in that?" Mayuri asks boredly. "This world would be a better place indeed if _I _could manifest the machinations of my mind."

"It would be a sick place indeed," I mutter.

Mayuri fluidly pulls a dartgun out of his sleeve. A dartgun which I had not permitted him to have on his person.

But the damage was done. He shot one of the bidders in the ass with a long needle dipped in a paralytic drug. The guy went down...and he didn't get back up.

"Success," Mayuri says.

Meanwhile, I try to reign in the mayhem onstage as the fangirls take full advantage of clone Ichigo, who's screaming is proof of the fact he's not a happy camper. Shredded clothing flies everywhere and I issue a set of orders to my guardsmen, who immediately go to work.

"I'VE DECIDED!" Orihime shouts over the pandemonium. I just give her a wild-eyed look.

"NOW'S NOT A GOOD TIME, ORIHIME!" I bellow.

Mayuri is now in the audience "modifying" the guy who threw the aluminum can at his very valuable head, clone Ichigo is still being violated even as my backup picks up one fangirl after the other and tosses her below the stage. More follow the craze and some lesbians nab Orihime, causing her to shriek and wave her arms frenetically at me.

The movement grabs my attention and I hastily employ the use of two tranq guns.

Both administer an immediate sedative to the women and men who were trying to grab Orihime and snatch her away to lands unknown. She smiles at me appreciately and uses a Santen Kesshun to repel the fangirls raping clone Ichigo so that Saria may take him home.

"I apologize for the trouble," I say to Saria19. "For compensation, here's a legit pass to do anything illegal you want for 24 hours." I secretively pass the permit to her along with a bag of goodies and flash clone Ichigo a blinding smile.

Orihime flings the confetti into the air for me with a big smile on her face as I rush over to announce her new owner. "CONGRATS, **KUROSAKICRYSTAL18**! YOU'VE JUST WON ORIHIME!"

Mayuri crawls back up onto the platform, now done with turning his victim into some freakshow fiasco.

He stands up and pats his uniform down with his hands to get rid of any unwanted debris, but does not give me any indication that he, too, wants to leave. To bide his time he goes over to accommodate **Devil'sEyeAlchemist13**, who wants to give Mayuri Fullbring specimens.

My assistants lead Orihime away, but as she's being toted offstage she looks over her shoulder past the musclemen's huge biceps at **Mangareader125.**

"Thank you for the cake!" she yells, lifting her cake into the air for show.

I don't notice the moment of sweet affection.

**AmberlinEve **had tossed me a life-sized Kaien pillow, and I was now rolling around on the floor with it.

"KYYYAAAA!"

"I LOVE YOU READERS! YOU'RE SO FREAKIN' AWESOME!"

**To be continued...**

**People keep asking me whether their character is going on auction. EVERY character in Bleach will have a chance to go on the block, especially if they are popular characters.**

**Next chappy, Kokuto, Renji and Starrk will be going on bid! I'm mixing it up a bit this time. Mayuri is still on bid because he likes to keep the suspense going for some reason. And he's just a very difficult individual.**

**AmberlinEve: I will love my pillow until the end of time...Or at least until I wear the stuffing out.**

**As for the rest of your readers: bid, bid, bid. I already have plenty of bids in advance for Renji, so whoever's batshit insane for him and hasn't placed a bid, you better hop to it.**

**Thanks for all the love from my readers! I love all the Kaien memorabilia.**

Mayuri: They're just trying to bribe you out of bidding on Shiba.

Kevvy: Aw, that's okay. When it comes time for Kaien to rise on the block, I will leave my fair share of blood on the wall...

.

.

.

.

No seriously. **I'll kill you all.**

.

.

"Was she serious just now?" a member of the audience asks.


	16. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16**

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><p>The savagry had finally reduced to a delicate simmer. Now that Orihime was gone, there were no lesbians or bat-shit crazy nympho-maniacs creeping around. They had all fled elsewhere...hopefully to seek much-needed psychiatric help. Who could say for sure.<p>

It was just the guys now, but it wasn't like _that _didn't present problems at all. Rapist fangirls were my main concern now. They usually liked to sample the merchandise before actually buying it, and the last thing I needed was my readers suing my operation because the guys had signs of wear and tear.

No one wants to buy it if it's not, at best, virginal.

Grimmjow had been about as clean as a mud puddle, but he had the body of a sex god to make up for it. That, and there had never been any kind of illusions about the kind of guy he was.

All of the goods I sold were grade A. I made sure of that.

Of course, I couldn't vouch for Kokuto's innocence. Looking at him now, I begin to wonder if people get any in the Underworld. It isn't beyond the realm of possibility, that's for sure.

My crew walks past close by, bustling back and forth and adjusting the lighting in the studio as bidders pour in through the doors up front.

Renji is complaining about being hungry from where he sits on a small work desk just feet away. At first, he had been tremendously pissed off because he had been kidnapped on his way to an important council.

Then, when he had found out that he was going to be auctioned off to a complete stranger, he had quickly downgraded to panic.

After playing catch-up with Starrk and Mayuri on everything related to their worlds, he had seemed to accept his situation, but was making the most of it by criticizing my fantastic workspace. He griped mostly about the lack of service (as if I was supposed to wait on him hand and foot) and furniture.

His efforts coincided with Mayuri's, who was trying just as hard to drive me up the wall.

"What is with these tacky drapes?" Mayuri asks, pointing at the curtains hiding the backstage portion of the stadium.

"Don't you guys have anything to eat?" Renji whines.

"I require supplies if you intend to keep me here longer."

"How long is this going to take?"

"This is a waste of time. Do you not realize who I am?"

"My captain is going to be looking for me."

**Scarlette Smith: "I bid on Renji! I bid my eternal love and fangirlishness!"**

"I SWEAR I WILL TRANQ YOU BOTH!" I scream.

Mayuri and Renji both fall silent. A hush descends over the room. It's so quiet, in fact, that it takes me a moment to realize that everyone, including the bidders and my personnel had all stopped in their tracks.

"Do you mean her?" Renji finally asks, pointing to Scarlette Smith.

"No, you moron! I mean you two!" I shout, jabbing both index fingers at the lieutenant and 12th division captain. "Drop the complaints or I'll have you sedated until you're taken off the block."

Renji shuts his trap, but Mayuri grumbles under his breath and swiftly slides away to go be annoying elsewhere.

Kokuto, who hadn't been acknowledged by any of the others going up for auction, was as silent as he'd been since I'd left him on his own. I think the only reason he was being ignored was because he'd caused such chaos trying to open the gates of Hell, but that was just my opinion.

Starrks fangirls had given him a shrine of pillows off to the far corner of the stage, and that was where he'd been since his introduction. After a half-hearted conversation with Renji, he'd fallen asleep and hadn't gotten up since. I would have feared him dead if not for the occasional snore or the twitch of a limb.

**Saria: "I offer Starrk a large, quiet, private room covered in pillows that no intruders can enter to disturb his naps, with an adjustable thermostat!" **

"Yeah that sounds nice," Starrk mumbles in his sleep.

I stare. Everyone blinks.

"Fascinating! Response in REM sleep," Mayuri marvels at a distance, scribbling the experience down on a notepad.

**animekisses: "Kevvy! You've updated! Yay! I've missed you."**

"Yeah, I'm sorry it's been so long to get to this chapter. Got caught up with life and everything," I say. "But it's good to be back!"

**"Have this life-sized Kaien cutout! I bought it with my Benedict Cumberbatch cutout"**

I stand there, fully molesting the cutout with my eyes. "Me likes..." I say, and proceed to drool...copiously.

**"Mayuri can't seem to get a break. And I'm loving every second of it."**

"I choose to be here of my own volition! I can leave anytime I want!" Mayuri declares.

"You say that with such assurance," I mutter.

**"I'm glad Orihime found a good home. :) I don't want to get involved in the Kokuto fan girl death match that is bound to happen."**

"You wouldn't!" a female voice scoars the air.

"THIS BATTLE TAKES BALLS!"

"ANYONE TRIES TO TAKE 'IM AND I'LL GOUGE THEIR EYES OUT!"

Renji looks noticeably nonplussed, but Kokuto just gives a mellow smile and clasps his hands together between his legs.

**"Can I just casually run up there and give him a kiss?"**

Angry howls explode from the dedicated circle of fans milled around the bottom of the stage.

"You can try," I offer cheerfully.

**Animekisses **flies at Renji, glomping him and sending the crimson-haired lieutenant sprawling onto the floor. **"Renji! I love you!" **Renji flushes a pink hue when she whispers in his ear, **"You are more awesome than Ichigo. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise."**

**"I won't bid on you, love, but I will be here to protect you from any hatred."**

"G-good to know," he stammers.

**"As for Starrk...I offer you a comfortable California King-sized sleep number bed, littered with an assortment of pillows, in a room full of scented candles with soft classical music played gently in the background. I also offer protection from Lilinette so you may get a full night (or week's) sleep. But I'll make sure she's safe. You'll get to see her when you want. Oh! And I have this soft body pillow as a gift!"**

To add to his already massive collection of pillows.

"Hm, scented candles..." Starrk sighs and rolls over, still napping. Still, no one can figure out how he does it.

**ImSeriousBro: "I can see you killing everyone to get Kaien. Seriously. I'm picturing it."**

I cross my arms. "Well I hope there's lots of gore. It just wouldn't be accurate if it's not a bloodbath."

"I keep telling you the bribary is a means to an end. They're going to use their enticements to guilt you into giving them Shiba," Mayuri tells me. The wicked scientist gives me a pointed look.

**"Mayuri's a jerk."**

"WHAT?" He whirls around, teetering by a thread, a thread I know all to well is just the run-up before the scalpels come flying out. The last thing I need is another innocent bystander getting a full-body renovation.

I could confiscate his stuff, but what good would that do? The guy's entire body is a weapon.

**Chirpy Hitomi chan: "Mayuri, you're the most revolting character I've ever seen in my life, and you deserve to die. But I'm a very kind-hearted person so I take pity on you and offer you a plastic surgery to at least change your revolting self from the outside (thought I can't do anything about you from the inside.)"**

Renji bursts out laughing, unable to contain himself.

"I'M SURGICALLY MODIFIED, YOU DIMWITTED FOOLS! NONE OF THIS YOU SEE BEFORE YOU IS EVEN REMOTELY FLAWED!" Mayuri screeches. I rush over and put a calming hand on his shoulder, trying to reign him in before he commits genocide.

"Okay, I think we've had enough for one day, don't you? Let's go and meet your owner."

Mayuri begins to fly into a rage about how he is not owned as I drag him backstage.

"Congrats **Devil'sEyeAlchemist**," Renji announces, "you have won Mayuri. It's your funeral."

"It's a morbid day indeed," Kokuto says softly as a downpour starts outside.

**"For Renji: I'll give you an Ichigo punching bag, secret, never ever revealed information on how to get together with Rukia and surpass Byakuya, pay for all the tattoos you want and unlimited taiyaki to eat."**

Renji looked flustered. "What do you mean, 'get together with Rukia'?"

I walk back onstage and pat him on the back. "As clueless as Ichigo," I sigh.

"What's that s'pposed to mean?!"

I shake my head woefully as Renji splutters, trying to validate to me his "platonic" relationship with Rukia.

I ignore his blathering as **Chirpy Hitomi chan** goes on.

**"For Starrk: Unlimited sleep on the ultimate, luxurious bed and pillows, with service to get anything you want so that you would never have to get up, and anti-Lilinette security so that she doesn't disturb you when you sleep."**

Starrk snickers in his slumber. "Heh, security...anti-Lilinette." He snorts and continues dozing.

Renji pokes the _Primera _with his sandal, but the Arrancar doesn't stir.

"That's weird..." he murmurs.

**"P.S." **

"Hm?" I swivel, turning to face **Hitomi-san **as I'm offered the 30th volume of Bleach, featuring the epic battle between Rukia and the 9th Espada, of course.

I beam. "Thanks! I already have, like, two copies, so it's awesome to have another. MORE KAIEN TO GO AROUND!" I shower **Hitomi-chan **in a waterfall of candy and bounce around with my new present.

Starrk mumbles in his sleep again as **Sakura Schiffer **issues a rapid bid, her hand flying around in the air.

**"STARRK-SAMA, I'LL LET YOU SLEEP FOR AS LONG AS YOU WANT AS MUCH AS YOU WANT!"**

"That's good, 'cause he's been doing a lot of that recently," I say casually, waving over at Starrk's unconscious form. **Sakura **didn't stop there. She began to add on other stuff: Lilinette and high-ranking servants as his servant/friends so he wouldn't be alone. Canopy beds, pillows galore.

**"For Kevvy-san, Sakura will give you the one and only Kaien Shiba! No fake. Sakura swears."**

**"SEE!"**

Renji, who was sitting on the edge of the stage wolfing down a sandwich, blows his food out all over audience when **Sakura Schiffer **whips out Kaien and exposes his ass right there in front of everyone.

I hurry to censor, but it's too late.

Rabid fangirls scream as **Sakura **proceeds to beckon with flourish at Tite Kubo's signature on one of his butt cheeks.

"Wow...looks permanent," I say, my eyes round. My jaw hangs open.

I'm not the only one. Others are getting an eyeful. The beauty of a man's ass is stunning...and apparently serves as good crowd-control. Renji and the other guys present have their eyes covered, but the women have all busied themselves taking pictures and fawning. A couple of catcalls and whistles pierce the air.

"Okay," I speak, trying to compose myself. "I think you should put that away now." One of my bodyguards goes down into the throng to escort **Sakura Schiffer **so no one tries to rape Kaien.

I try to turn away, but at the last minute I change my mind and haul ass off the stage, flinging myself into the crowd.

"WAIT! DON'T LEAVE ME!" I scream. The other fangirls begin to lose their minds.

I paw for Kaien.

All Hell breaks loose.

**A/N: Next chapter will be posted soon. If you didn't see your bid on this chappy, then it will on the next one, because I just couldn't fit everything on here.**

**Congrats to Devil'sEyeAlchemist for winning Mayuri. Your name will join the others on my profile.**

**Kokuto, Renji and Starrk are all still on bid and will be until my next update.**

**Thanks and love go out to all those who are following this and have reviewed.**

**Don't give up. You all will get your chance. :)**

**Have fun in the epic bidding wars to come.**

**Starrk lovers, don't despair. I'm sure he'll be awake by next chappy.**


	17. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17**

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><p><strong>Thanks: To all my readers, I'm truly grateful for the support of this story. I wasn't ever really sure if this fic would work because it's never been done before, but you have all showed such great enthusiasm, and it's really made this Auction come alive. <strong>

**Thanks for the smiles, guys.**

**Hopefully, many more chapters to come. :) :) :) :)**

* * *

><p>After reigning myself in from my brief fling of insanity...Well, okay, I won't even exaggerate there. It wasn't <em>nearly <em>brief. In fact, it took an insanely long back-and-forth tug-of-war between Renji, my bodyguards and **Sakura Schiffer** to finally pry my fingers from Kaien's gloriously hot bod.

When I'd finally been doped up on enough sedatives to kill a horse, I slept like the dead for several weeks.

My studio went silent, my bidders having emptied out of the place long ago. Gone, probably, to stalk Fanfiction for mentally deflowering M rated fics featuring Renji or Starrk.

Just to get some practice before they did the actual thing on the two hunky men, when they were swept away by some exotic fangirl...or fanboy. Because hey, fanboys can be just as psychotic about this stuff as the next guy...or girl.

Anyway, skipping the threatricalities...me being drugged into coma basically leaves the Auction without a host. So let us enter the surprise host!

The spotlight turns on, lighting up one lonely area on the stage. It moves quickly over the empty floor and passes over someone, zooming by them. It swivels back...and...

HEEEEERE'S KISUKE URAHARA!

He chuckles nervously and waves. "H-hi, everyone. Kevvy is out right now, so I'm going to be hosting this chapter." He beams at everybody, causing fangirls to launch into high-pitched squeals of delight at the sight of their favorite shopkeeper.

Kisuke then whips out a big-ass roll of paper and unfurls it so that it unrolls down to his feet, over the stage, and onto the head of an audience-member. He looks it over quizzically and his jaw drops when he reads the very long bill Renji has been wracking up in pizza delivery.

Apparantly that's all he's been doing since I've gone...

However, before he can address this matter to said lieutenant, a pained howling alerts him.

**"NOOOOOOOOOO! I wanted Mayuri! Damn it! ...Oh well..." **The crowd begins to distinctly edge away from the distraught **S.R.457**, allowing Urahara to get a good look at him.

"Aw. Don't cry," Urahara says, lips pushing up into a supportive smile. "Trust me, Kurotsuchi's the last guy you want under the same roof with you. He can get real moody. You want someone with a more positive outlook on life. Like me!" He floats his arms through the air in one cheerful gesture, lifting himself up onto the tips of his toes.

Renji, who is sitting nearby on a Lazy-Boy recliner he'd bought, lifts one brow as he looks over his swimsuit edition magazine at Kisuke. "You sound like your advertising yourself," he grumbles.

"Com'on, Renji! Don't be so gloomy," Kisuke admonishes with a smile, as bright and sunny as ever.

Renji gives a ragged sigh and pushes himself up out of the chair, working out the stiffness in his arms and legs.

Kokuto, who has taken up residence on the edge of the stage, is settling into the attention he's been getting since dawn. Numerous foot massages, all from his masochistic fangirls who are basking in the sound of his rough voice. They hang on to just about every word he says.

Kisuke feels sort of bad for them, the way Kokuto half ignores them. But they seem to be enjoying it, so he figures they like all the teasing. It makes him more mysterious...and alluring.

Starrk has woken up since Kevvy's departure and is making the most of it sampling all the different pillows the girls offer him to determine which one is best. He really seems to like lying down...a lot. At the foot of the stage, **Sakura Schiffer **is back and flailing her arms.

**"Starrk-sama! Pretty please come home with Sakura-chan! Sakura lives in the country! It's awfully quiet! Nobody will bother juw!" **Starrk blinks, looking down at her.

He remembers her.

He might have been half-asleep or dreaming, but he was sure she had told him she would let him sleep for as long as he wanted.

"Oh, yeah. Hey," he says, his wavy hair falling across his piercing blue eyes as he waves to **Sakura, **who has just gotten through threatening potential Kaien-rapists...with cows.

"I didn't know cows eat people," Renji says cluelessly. "Are they like that in the world of the living?"

"No, of course not Abarai-kun! It was a joke," Urahara informs him, eyes bright from under the rim of his bucket hat.

**Mangareader: "For Starrk, I bid the world's softest bed, with the world's softest pillows, with sheets of Egyptian cotton and a wolf print blanket. While I am at it, I will also include a barrier to keep out Lilinette when you sleep (unless you decide to bring it down) and if that isn't enough then I will also include a room that will let you sleep as much as you like where a day of sleep in that room would only be an hour in real time out here...My requests aren't that troublesome other than just being friends and hanging out or doing something every now and then."**

Starrk looks intrigued. He lies down on his stomach and crosses his arms one over the other right at the edge of the stage. Girls continue to fawn, leaning up to touch and feel.

"Egyptian cotton, eh? You're a man of good taste. Expensive. I don't often get to enjoy the finer things with Lilinette constantly nagging me," he says, voice low and liquid smooth.

"I HEARD THAT, STARRK!" Lilinette screeches, waving her fist and jumping up and down somewhere in the throng. "YOU'RE GONNA GET YOURS, JUST YOU WAIT! I HOPE SOME FANGIRL GETS HER HANDS ON YOU AND TIES YOU UP IN HER BASEMENT TO DEFLOWER YOU...ONE PETAL AT A TIME!"

Renji suddenly looks queasy. "Y...you don't think that will happen...do you?" he whispers worriedly over to Kisuke. Hat-and-clogs just shrugs in his usual carefree manner.

"I guess. Kevvy said there are some people to watch out for." Renji shudders visibly.

**Animekisses: "Glad to see you enjoyed your cutout Kevvy! I have a whole room of Kaien merch just for you." **

Kisuke whips out his fan from his sleeve stylishly. "That's really nice of you. I'm sure Kevvy is grateful. She even sleep-talks about how much she loves it." he says.

**"Moving on, I'm not sure what else to bid for Starrk. Regardless of who he picks, as long as he's happy and goes to a good home, that's all that matters. But it'd be cool if I could steal a kiss from him too. Okay, it's kinda my goal to kiss all my favorite male characters. Even if it kills me (which it probably will because of rabid fan girls)." **The psychotic people start screaming to emphasize their point.

One girl with pigtails even whips out a flail. It looks...deadly.

Starrk turns his ruggedly handsome face to get a good look at **Animekisses. **His eyes have this almost come-hither expression that gets the fangirls in an uproar. They start pawing for him at the bottom of the stage. Kisuke sighs, waving his fan to stir up a good breeze. Things are heating up a bit in the studio.

**"As for Renji, I MADE YOU BLUSH! YAY!" **Renji starts to turn red again at the memory.

**"Kaien...Oh lord, bringing him out to show was a bad idea. I'll be hiding in the corner if anyone needs me, I'm not getting involved with that one."**

"Yeah. It sure put Kevvy out of commission for awhile," Kisuke agrees.

"I BID CHAPPY FOR RENJI!" Rukia shouts, her head bobbing into sight at the edge of the stage as she jumps up and down. Her hand waves around wildly to catch her friend's attention.

Renji blinks.

**Forgotten 64: "Renji! My offer: I'll help you beat your captain if you go out with me? Even though your captain is awesome!" **

"He's not that great," Renji grumbles, then does a complete double-take. "Wait, you mean go _with _you, right? Not go "out"...as in a date..." The crimson-haired lieutenant falters, going silent.

Kisuke chuckles, enjoying Renji's discomfort as he becomes noticeably nervous and starts fidgeting.

"C'mon, Abarai-kun. You have to get used to this. After all, there are many girls here who would like to do a lot worse," he teases.

Renji freezes. "Worse?"

"WE WANT TO PLAY WITH YOU, RENJI!" a school-girl squeals. Other lewd comments get thrown into the mix...which makes it worse.

**Voltaire Rousseau **throws a truckload of yummy, delicious taiyaki into the pile of bids...with information needed to surpass Byakuya Kuchiki. Said captain then entertains **Voltaire **from the crowd as she whispers to him about what a lovely, noble man he is. Flattery gets people everywhere.

**"Renji, I LOVE YOU! Whatever you want, YOU'LL GET! I have tons of sake!"**

"But we all know you're second-best to captain Kuchiki," Kisuke says a little too cheerfully to Renji, who clenches his jaw angrily. A dark aura descends over him. A vein throbs dangerously at his temple.

"Damn you..." he grinds out, raising a threatening fist to the jovial shopkeeper.

**Saria19: "Why thank you for the pass." Saria **then proceeds to steal Starrk using the pass.

The fangirls cry in distraught, lunging as he vanishes into a puff of smoke.

**"I got a wonderful quiet room filled with soft pillows waiting for him at home!" **

Starrk's worshippers begin going bat-shit crazy, overturning the studio in search of him.

Renji points a finger at Kisuke as he just stands there, watching the entire spectacle.

"AREN'T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?" he shrieks. "SARIA JUST KIDNAPPED STARRK AND EVERYBODY'S GOING INSANE!"

Kisuke just shrugs, peering out mysteriously from under the rim of his hat, and says, "Crowd-control wasn't in my contract."

**To be continued...**

**A/N: To any questions concerning the matter, yes, Urahara is going on bid next chapter, so if this got you going, than feel free to bust out any bids you want to put out there. **

**My mind checked out for a little bit and I wanted something new, so I decided to host this chapter with Kisuke this one time.**

**By the way, a question for you all: Would anyone like to see Narunosuke on the block? :}**

* * *

><p>Everything was quiet. The fangirls had poured out of the studio in waves, going on a homicidal rampage in search of Starrk. Kokuto had been left behind to sit there on the edge of the stage.<p>

He really didn't understand why everyone had gone off like that. The pass was legit for only 24 hours. Starrk would be back after Saria was done doing..whatever it is she was doing to him.

But there was one thing that bothered him more than the chaos the crowd stirred.

"Why has no one bidded on me?" he mumbles to himself.


	18. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18**

* * *

><p>Finally, I am sane.<p>

After going completely off the wall in the last chapter, I've fully recovered and woken from my very long drug-induced sleep. Of course, it all would have paid off better if insanity hadn't broken out in my absence.

But who can complain when insanity is the main ingredient of the Auction?

It seems not even Kisuke Urahara's awesome-ness could bring things to a simmer.

In fact, when I walk out on stage, all he's really doing is standing around, peering out from under the rim of his hat with a face that says he knows something I don't. Renji is helplessly watching the chaos play out from his Lazy-Boy.

Debri flies in shreds everywhere, most of it landing in Kokuto's hair, since he's the closest to the mayhem.

Fan-girls begin prying the floorboards up from the studio in the process of trying to find Starrk.

**Sakura Schiffer **starts having a panic attack of biblical proportions and flips a random table. Rukia cries out in horror as **Sakura **dramatically tosses Chappy out a window, and then throws Rukia out also with surprising strength. **"OMFJWTF, STARRK-SAMA! WHERE IS STARRK-SAMA?! STARRK-SAMA, COME BACK!"**

Her screaming begins to rile the others, and they start swarming from one end of the studio to the other. When it becomes obvious her efforts are fruitless, she goes to sit in her emo corner.

"Hey, I have one of those too!" I say cheerfully... though an emo corner isn't anything to be cheerful about.

**"Sakura is sorry that Kevvy-chan is all doped up. Sakura hopes ya come back soon so Sakura can draws ya a pretty picture! And bring Starrk-sama with juw!"**

I give a sprightly little salute. "Kevvy's just amazing now!" I exclaim. "A picture would be great. I'm sorry about Starrk, but I'm sure once Saria has had her fun, he'll be back."

**"And Kisuke-kun...if Sakura doesn't get Starrk-sama...she'll bid fer ya too! Kisuke and Sakura will get along just fine! Sakura will keep ya entertained and stuff...Sakura will loves juw forevers and try ta get Yoruichi fer ya..." **

Kisuke beams at **Sakura, **his eyes lighting up. Renji just looks extremely confused.

"Why is she talking in the third person?" he asks to no one in particular.

**"Starrk-sama...if ya can hear me...Sakura thinks you're the bestest ever and that yer not lazy! You just prefer not to use unnecessary energy! And Sakura thinks your sexy and nice and Sakura will try to get ya anything ya want! Like a Snuggie (not a cheap one, but an awesome one with wolves)"**

**Sakura **makes a puppy dog face, and Kisuke immediately rushes over to be the first to sympathize.

Fangirls scream wildly as he takes his hat off and places it on Sakura's head, patting her affectionately.

Jinta, who is standing in the back row, just crosses his arms and mutters, "Show off."

**Saria: "YAY! I GOT STARRK-SAMA!" **Somewhere far away Starrk settles down into his mound of silk pillows, sheets and downy blankets endowed to him by **Saria. "So...handsome...He shall never be lonely!" **She goes to join him for a nap while I collect her bid for Geta-boshi from one of my heavily-built bodyguards.

The clock is ticking and the fangirls are still seething. Starrk's absence really seems to be getting under their skin. Not that I blame them. Starrk is hot. Who wouldn't want to debauch his holy temple? Everything about him seems so forbidden.

**CelestialxXxAngel **waves her hands from the front of the crowd. **"Hello, there. I'm bringing a shirt with a Kaien picture on it and a Kaien plushie as a greeting for Kevvy-san...But, somehow, I can't see Kevvy-san anywhere." **She turns her head left and right. Renji scans the stage also, unable to find me.

Finally, I come out from behind my hunky bodyguard, having been shamelessly inspecting his sculpted backside. He then removes the hood from his jacket in fluid movie-star motion, revealing himself to be Chad Yasutora.

Renji's eyes bulge.

Kisuke just gives a weird little smile...like he knew who it was all along.

"KYYYYAAAAAAA!" Girls go wild.

"Kaien paraphernalia is always welcome in my house," I say, flashing a blinding smile at **Celestial.**

**"Anyway, I heard that Urahara is going on bid...So, I can bid for him, right?" **

Hat-'n-clogs flips his fan open. "Of course!" he asserts.

**"I will give him a lifetime stock for his shop, new interesting projects to work up for him, a Hogyoku and the way to destroy it, and..."**

Everybody leans in, expecting something epic. **"...That's it for now. I might think of something better to offer later, though." **Since Kisuke can't tip his hat to her, having given his hat away until he has access to a spare, he just does a flourish with his fan. Everyone begins to buzz about Chad's arrival.

Kokuto, who seems to have abandoned his fake worshippers, is now pacing restlessly along the far end of the stage. He seems to understand he's no longer in his element.

Denial is setting in.

**Anime-Kisses: "Ah, another chapter, another day of unstable fan-girls attempting to kill each other in an attempt to win over their favorite characters. I love the smell of bat shit crazy in the morning!" **

"I know. Smells wonderful, right?" I say, watching as someone hurls a chair halfway across the room, where it falls short of hitting the wall, succumbs to gravity, and lands on someone's head will a dull thud.

Paramedics hurry onto the scene and wheel the bidder away on a gurney.

**"Kisuke! It's awesome to see you again; I've missed you in your Q&A fic! Good times!" **

Kisuke grins. "Ah, yes."

**"You've done a marvelous job as guest host, so congrats! As for a bid, I just have to! You're too awesome not to have! Okay, here we go: first off, I'll make sure that I either get Yoruichi or arrange a bunch of play **_**dates, **_**if you know I mean."**

Kisuke chuckles, waggling his eyebrows. "Oh, yeah, I see where you're coming from."

**"Yeah?"** **Anime-kisses **begins winking continuously until her eye falls out, at which point Renji squeals like a girl and I have Chad fetch my medical kit to go put her eye back in place.

**"Yeah, you get me. Along with that, the whole collection of Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes! I'm not sure if you'll like it, but it just seems like the kind of thing you'd like."**

Kisuke nods enthusiastically. "Never gets old," he agrees.

**"I also have a bunch of new items and trinkets for your shop. And the golden item of them all-"**

A drum roll begins. **"-A FREE GET OUT OF JAIL PRANKING PASS! USE IT ON ANYONE YOU'D LIKE AND YOU CAN'T GET IN TROUBLE. But, it's only good for a month, so you'll have to get to work quickly. And if I happen to kiss you, just let it happen. Hahah."**

"That's very dangerous," I mumble. Geta-boshi looks flattered by the offer... but mostly by the prospect of a kiss.

**"I hope Saria is having fun with Starrk! Hopefully appropriate pg-13 (max) fun... When Starrk comes back, I'll attempt a kiss (oh lord, I need to stop.)"**

"Nonsense," I say. "Please go on."

**"Kokuto!" **Kokuto stops pacing and comes to attention. **"I'm sorry no one's bid on you yet! I thought for sure thought you'd have a crap ton of bids! I'd bid on you, but I'd feel bad because I'm just not that into your character. Sure, you're attractive as hell, but I don't think you'd enjoy living with me. But I hope someone absolutely amazing comes along for you! Keep your chin up, love!" **

Kokuto grunts, goes back to pacing.

"I think he's awesome. And hot," I remark, shrugging. "In fact, I'm going to bid on you. Kokuto, I offer you a life outside Hell."

Kokuto stops and looks at me, deadpan. "I'm already out of Hell."

"Yeah, but you're going back if you don't have an owner," I point out.

He gives a ragged sigh. An infuriated howl erupts somewhere behind me, and I turn to see a very red-faced Renji has engaged **Chirpy Hitomi-chan, **who is trying to blackmail him with evidence of the "non-intimate" highlights in his relationship with Rukia.

"We're just friends!" he wails, pulling on his hair and causing it to come loose of its ponytail. Hormonal fan-girls cry at the tortured sight. Kisuke chuckles with glee, enjoying the scene the 6th division lieutenant is making. I just begin gnawing on the Kaien-shaped chocolate **Anime-kisses **has given me.

**Hitomi-chan: "Continuing my bid for Starrk: Along with the previous offers I'll give u an automatic junk food maker which works through voice control and gives out an unlimited amount of pizza, burgers, fries, etc., a music player with soft, soothing music which will help u to get to sleep, a 100 inch LCD and 1000s of robot servants to work at ur bidding. Saria19, GIVE STARRK BACK RIGHT NOW!" **

Kisuke shrinks away in alarm. I pause from chewing on my chocolate.

"Wow. Hostile, much?" I murmur, eyes wide.

**"For Kokuto: I felt kinda bad to see u didn't have any bids (well, u were quite a git in the movie)."**

Kokuto twitches, a vein throbbing at his temple. "Well, if you were in Hell, what would _your _reaction be?" he counters.

"True that," I say, and go back to devouring my treat.

**"But looking at ur present behaviour, maybe u have rehabilitated?"**

"I wouldn't bet on it," Renji mutters under his breath, still very ruffled. His fan-girls paw at the edge of the stage, crooning at him. "And anyway, he tried to kill me! Why would you want anything to do with him?"

"Stop whining," Urahara chides. Renji glowers.

**"So as a bid, I simply offer a normal life to u- house with all amenities, sufficient money, etc., to be able to start ur life anew. How about it?"**

Kokuto tightens up.

"Mm."

That one unintelligible sound is all he makes. He goes back to walking up and down the stage.

**"For Urahara: I'll help u in ur business by investing my billions of kan in it, help u open ur own franchise of Urahara clothes, I'll give u a book "How Successful Shinigami Became More Successful", I offer my cosmetic and designer clothes franchise to Benihime-san, I'll arrange for u to get a contract for building unlimited secret underground training spaces legally and 1000s of robotic servants to help u at work, at Urahara Shoten."**

Geta-boshi perks up. "Very interesting. You know, I have been meaning to expand my business," he tells her. "It could definitely work."

**the ultimate kh fan: "I will free Kokuto from hell and train him to become even stronger to prevent him from going back down into hell for the rest of time."**

Everyone falls silent, waiting for a response. I polish off the rest of my chocolate and look over at Kokuto, who has finally passed out on Renji's recliner from all the excitement.

"Hey! That's mine!" Renji shouts, arms pinwheeling as a fangirl grabs his leg and tries to pull him off stage.

Chad goes over and grabs Renji by the wrist, picking him and the clinging fangirl up into the air.

Others squeal with delight, wanting to hitch a ride.

"HEY, NO! NO! HAHAHAH! GET OFF, THAT TICKLES!" Renji squirms as the fangirl sticking to his leg launches a tickle attack.

I yawn, ignoring the madness going on, and go over to lie down with Kokuto.

"Until next chapter," I breathe, waving.

**To be continued...**

**A/N: Next chapter, Starrk will be coming back and his owner will be announced. Couldn't do it this chappy with the pass still being in effect. :) Hope you had fun with him, Saria.**

**Anime-kisses, now you can kiss Starrk. ;)**

**To keep up the suspense, Chad has been introduced and he is now available for auction. Bids are no longer being accepted for Starrk as I have chosen his owner, but Chad, Urahara, Renji and Kokuto are all available and free to be bidded on. **

**Tea: no you can't kidnap Kisuke or Kokuto. lol. All hell would break loose. Feel free to bid, though.**

**To the rest of my readers, thank you for your support. Kevvy is back and things are now on full throttle. I eagerly await your bids. :} **


	19. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19**

* * *

><p>It is dawn and things are getting into full swing. I yawn, and one of my staff hands me my cup of morning joe.<p>

Urahara is perched on the arm of the recliner while I occupy the one next to him. Kokuto sits sandwiched in-between, half-asleep and rubbing his eyes. I stand up and hand him my mug, ready to begin business. He murmurs a groggy thank you and takes it.

"Go ahead," I say thickly, "it's got some kick to it." Kokuto shrugs and guzzles a big mouthful just as I add, "It's laced with adrenaline."

He chokes at the last bit. I laugh, walking away.

Audience members begin to bustle as a very rumpled-looking Starrk is guided onstage by my assistant. He looks rested compared to the rest of us, who are all bleary from rising so early.

Renji looks like hell warmed over. His uniform is torn in places from the rather savage tickle war that had taken place last chapter. He's lost his hair band and his thick mane has fallen down over his eyes and cascaded down his back in a wild mess.

Because Kokuto had stolen his Lazy-Boy, he'd been forced to sleep on the floor, which clearly has left him worse for wear.

He groans, sitting up and glowering at me as he works out the kinks in his stiff muscles.

My make-up crew stands by, waiting for my signal. I give it, and they immediately begin to go over Starrk with a fine-tooth comb, de-wrinkling his clothes, grooming his hair, and basically making him look like a sex god for the lucky sucker who gets to cart him away.

**Anime-Kisses: "You're back, Kevvy! Woot! Party time! Haha, I'm so glad you encourage my unhealthy desire to kiss every male in Bleach. You're a true friend, Kevvy; brings a tear to my eye. :')"**

I curtsy, and somewhere nearby Renji shrieks girlishly as the make-up team tackles him brutally. Apparantly, they are offended by his disheveled appearance.

Urahara watches in fascination, his eyes widening when they whip out some very dangerous-looking straightening irons. "Ah, to be beautiful is to suffer immensely," I sigh dramatically.

**"Starrk, regardless of where you end up, you're always welcomed at my house. :) Come and visit sometime. Plenty of pillows for ya!"**

Starrk flashes **Anime-kisses** a mellow smile and waves. Everyone sucks in a deep breath. Chad brings me the fated envelope. I take it from him and peel it open as an epic drum roll begins.

"Though I do wish I could split Starrk into several parts and give him away, I don't think he would be quite as appealing. So it comes down to this...The final choice," I declare. "CONGRATS, MANGAREADER125! You have won Starrk!"

Hat-'n-clogs goes insane with the confetti cannon, dispensing so much of it that it falls in dense waves over the audience and makes visibility almost zero. Renji splutters as it gets into his mouth, and the make-up crew scrambles to shield him so they can finish beautifying him.

Some of the audience members begin throwing a confetti-ball fight for sheer fun. Others who are just arriving on the scene join in. Among them is **Super Saiyan Hollow, **who frantically runs up out of nowhere.

**"Am I too late to bid? I hope not."**

"Nope! In fact, you're just in time for the madness," I comment, brushing confetti out of my hair.

**"Anyways, I'd like to bid on Kokuto. I'll offer you freedom from Hell, of course, and freedom to do as you please. You will not be tied down to me. Also, I will bring your sister back to life and allow you to spend all your time with her."**

After all this time, after all the silent treatments and odd mood swings, NOW Kokuto looks interested.

"It's about time!" he exclaims, and chugs the rest of his coffee. He throws the mug across the room, and one of the fangirls executes a perfect flying leap to catch it.  
><strong>Saiyan Hollow <strong>takes a seat in the audience, effectively playing the part of mysterious newcomer.

Renji nearly hits the ceiling at the sight of the airborne fangirl. He tries to vault backward, but ends up jumping into a hot straightening iron hovering too close to his face.

A heart-rending scream rips through the air as Renji's flies across stage, his scaulded cheek plain for all to see, his arms pinwheeling.

The make-up team wails at their ruined creation.

"Ew," I say, wincing at the lieutenant's distress. His screams are abruptly cut off when one of my employees shoots him with a tranq gun.

Unfortunately, Renji happens to be too close to the edge of the stage, and he falls off, breaking his neck. The crowd gasps in horror, falling silent.

"It's alright, everybody. He can be revived," Urahara assures them. A collective sigh of relief fills the air.

**MehLikey: "Hmm. This isn't actually a bid, but I am very curious about this. Kevvy, Kaien isn't alive anymore, Kaien was absorbed (is that right?) by Aaroniero. And if Aaroniero hides away from the light he can put on a Kaien facade."**

"Heheh. Kaien facade," I laugh to myself.

**"Sooo...Does that mean that when you say you're getting Kaien, you actually just want Aaroniero when he's inside away from the light?"**

I automatically deadpan. "_Hell_...to the no," I say. "That guy's got problems. Aaroniero is an entirely separate character and when he is auctioned off, he will be displayed as his fish-tank face self, not my beloved Kaien. I want THE Kaien, not a lava lamp with a tentacle fetish that wears Michael Jackson's white glove who _thinks _he can be as hot as Kaien."

I take a deep breath.

Kisuke stares. "Are you done?"

"Yes." I go over and toss myself into my accumulated pile of Kaien plushies and other paraphernalia.

**Anime-Kisses: "Not much more I have to offer Kisuke, but I'll just put it out there that he would have the most fun with me. Because I'm the coolest. A queen some would say. Remember that, Kisuke."**

"I don't doubt that," Kisuke chuckles, fanning himself lightly. He sits back on Renji's recliner as the make-up crew prepares his manicure and pedicure. Another woman applies a greenish facial mask.

"I'm rather enjoying this pampering," he remarks, eating one of the cucumber slices placed over his eyes.

**"Kokuto, stop being a sulking blob, it'll give you wrinkles. Don't ruin that perfect face. Seriously. I mean DAYUUMMM SON!" **Kokuto stares, eyes wide. "What'd I do?"

"She thinks you're hot," I point out. He nods slowly, still a bit confused. "Oh."

**Anime-kisses **coughs**. "Sorry, I can't help myself."**

**"Thanks for putting my eye back in, Chad! I won't bid on you, but I definitely have to give you a hug, you doll you!" Anime-kisses **beams, and Chad, who's been a statue through all the craziness, gives a soft grunt. He hangs off to the side, still as unassuming as ever.

**Shades-Soul: "Renji!"**

A hush descends...A cricket chirps.

"Renji's dead," I supply. Everyone gasps as if it's news to them, eyes big with mock horror.

"Temporarily," I add, and they all dissolve into muttered conversation again.

**"My second favorite male character, I offer to you all of your paperwork that your captain assigns you to do. I also promise to help you surpass your captain someday, though I can't promise it will be soon. I also want you to know that you can have whatever you want, be it a house, car, money, food, etc."**

"A way out of here," I snicker, imagining that is just what Renji would say.

**"You name it, you can have it. I will protect you from fan-girls. Honestly, I am a tomboy who wants to be your friend and earn your respect because you're one kick-ass fighter."**

"Flattery gets you everywhere," Kisuke says, devouring his other cucumber slice and offering his hand to the nail technician, who begins to file away. Giggling alerts them to sudden danger, and the make-up crew parts just as **Sakura Schiffer **tackles Kisuke in his chair and hugs him.

"OMJ, thank juw, Kisuke-san! Sakura is gonna keeps this hat ferevers!"

Kisuke looks at her in surprise and smiles softly. "Well you came out of nowhere," he chuckles, glomping her back with enthusiasm. Just as spontaneously, **Sakura **jumps up, now completely serious, and points dramatically at Renji...err...Renji's corpse. **"Sakura talks in third person cuz she wanna!"**

"Wow, you certainly showed that dead body who's boss," I cackle.

**Sakura **holds up a sign that says _Sakura loves juw, Kevvy and Starrk-sama. _**"Oh, yeah, and Sakura would love for Narunosuke to go up for bid!" **She jumps up and down and begins fangirl squealing.

**"Narunosuke is another of Sakura's favz!"**

"Then so it shall be," I announce, and Narunosuke is ushered onstage. He looks a bit nervous...not that anyone can blame him, because now the fangirls are frothing at the mouth from the sight of his scantly-clothed body.

**Chirpy Hitomi-chan **is back and rearing to tear into Renji...or in this case, Renji's corpse.

**"Yo! Happy to see me again? I'm here with more bids to improve your life scenario!"**

"His life scenario is deceased," I tell her.

Kisuke shoos the make-up team away as they finish up wiping off the facial cream and hurries over to talk business with **Hitomi-chan, **who is apologizing to Kokuto for calling him a git earlier.

He seems to be taking it well and isn't as sullen as he was in the last chapter. In fact, everybody is in a pretty relaxed mood.

I sigh, and take a confetti-ball to the head from someone in the audience.

Total confetti chaos begins.

**To be continued...**

**A/N: Next chapter, Renji and Kokuto's owners will be decided... Last-minute bids are welcome. Characters available for bidding next chappy are Chad, Narunosuke and Kisuke.**

**Go crazy, please. :)**

**Thanks go out to all of my readers and bidders, especially Anime-kisses, who's sticking around to glomp all the men of Bleach. Your continued involvement with the Auction makes things as crazy fun as ever. :) Until next chapter, signing off...**


	20. Chapter 20

**Chapter 20**

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><p>Renji groans, trying to work out the rigor mortis that had locked up his joints while he'd been lying around dead all night. His withering gaze falls on me, and my eyes widen innocently.<p>

"What?" I say. He looks like he wants to get into it with me, but then he hesitates, sees sense, and remains silent. The make-up team is applying the final touches to his face and hair, which is done up into its neat ponytail.

This time, they secure a safe zone in the area around Renji with no sharp, pointy, or harmful objects. Kokuto is waiting impatiently next to me. He has already refused to be touched up, I guess because he's confident in his appearance as it is.

Hat-n'-clogs is preparing his confetti cannon again for the upcoming announcement. The audience is still an inch deep in confetti from the last fiasco. Some if it's still in my hair.

**Animekisses: "Awww, I got a special shout-out! My heart, it's been touched! With love! Haha, I live for reviewing this story, Kevvy!"**

I make a dramatic leap for Anime-kisses and glomp her, holding onto her like a lifeline as I sink to my knees. "Someone LIVES for my Auction!" I cry, sniffling. "It's a miracle." Renji rolls his eyes, muttering under his breath. "Oh, please."

**"I hope you have fun with Starrk, Mangareader125! But don't forget to bring him around sometime."**

Anime-kisses winks as I roll along with my melodrama, now lying prostrate on the floor. "Yeah, don't forget me Mangareader!" I wail, my voice wobbling.

**"Who gave Urahara a confetti cannon...?"**

Kisuke grins wickedly. "I bribed a stage hand." Said stage hand drops everything and runs, trying to get a head start before I capture and maim him. Seizing the moment, I abandon my melodrama and dash after him.

**"This is either the worst or best decision one could make. Time will tell which one."**

"Indeed it will," Hat-'n-clogs agrees, eyes glittering with mischief.

**"Renji's time on auction had just resulted in physical and emotional pain for him. Poor doll."**

Renji absorbs the sympathy with a welcoming flush of his complexion.

**"Straightening iron burns hurt like hell. IT'S OKAY, RENJI, I'M HERE FOR YOU!"**

Anime-kisses whispers dramatically to him, **"You can cry on my shoulder."**

Renji turns a darker shade of red, and just nods, unable to find words.

**"Kisuke, we need to go get facials together sometime. Oh! I'll add that to my offer. FREE FACIALS! All day er' day!" **

The frisky shopkeeper brightens up, the light in his eyes dancing. "Excellent! You know, I find it very refreshing. My skin tingles afterward," he tells her. "It's a very pleasant feeling." He strokes the bristles on his chin, a nostalgic expression crossing his face. He certainly is chipper today...

Anime-kisses turns her attention to Kokuto, who is seeing off his harem of fan-girls.

**"I'm sorry I'm crazy, Kokuto." **

"Don't be. Crazy's a good thing," he says, and winks at her. He slides his hands into pockets and smooches at one of his fan-girls, causing a tide of squealing and arm-flailing. He then walks idly over to stand by Renji.

Since I've got to chase after my stage hand, Urahara is left to play host.

He scans the stage for me, and giddily grabs his cannon when he sees I'm nowhere in sight.

"CONGRATS, SUPERSAIYANHOLLOW! YOU'VE WON KOKUTO!" Kisuke declares, then goes bat-shit wild with the confetti cannon, sendiing plumes of it raining down everywhere.

He takes a big breath to proclaim the next winner, but inhales some confetti and starts hacking.

At that moment, I execute a very ill-timed somersault onto the stage. Chad follows close behind with my battered and unconscious stage hand draped over his broad shoulder.

"CONGRATS, CIASSUWARTY, YOU'VE WON RENJI!" I blink erratically as I notice Hat-'n'clogs chocking. My audience are brought to their knees by the impeding waves of confetti. Kokuto and Renji decide to get the hell out of dodge and rush to their owners.

I look down as I feel a tug on my custom-made hakama, and see Narunosuke kneeling at my side.

"Master, should I do something?" he asks softly, somehow making himself heard over the choas.

I blink. "Master?" I utter dumbly. Fan-girls begin swarming onto the stage, and Narunosuke leans back on his heels just as **Sakura Schiffer **flies into him, knocking him back. **"Yayz! Sakura loves u long time! Anyways...Sakura just wants to bid her love to chu clothes..."**

"Or lack of them," Urahara interjects.

**"...and since ya can't find yer master...Sakura will become yer new master if ya wants..."**

"That sounds decidedly suggestive," I say.

"Uh...o-okay." Narunosuke stammers, swallowing nervously. **Sakura **hugs him and looks to Starrk, who is mingling in the audience with Mangareader. She adjusts the hat Kisuke bestowed upon her before bowing. **"Starrk-sama...Sakura is happy ya found a good home..."** She goes over to glomp the man. A few fanboys see **Sakura **and run to be the first in line for an autograph.

Apparantly, Renji had been a sensation even dead. While his corpse out been lied out last night, Sakura had made a show of poking Renji's body and hiding behind his Lazy-Boy..."I see dead person..." were the famous words that got her posted on Youtube. She now has a million hits.

**Forever122: "I guess I'll bid on Chad! Okay. You're a nice guy and I want to be your friend. You're cool and collected and always look out for your friends. That's one of the best things you could be! I don't really think you want much..****.**

**Ohh! What if you could see your parakeet friend again! I'd make that happen for you! I'll have your back when you need it too. I take mixed martial arts, so I'm pretty good."**

Chad makes a noncommittal noise, but somehow he seems interested...in his own weird way.**  
><strong>

Narunosuke cries out several feet away as prying hands try to drag him down into the throng of rapist fan-girls. I immediately go to his rescue, wielding a bamboo cane.

"BACK! BACK, YOU FIENDS!" I howl, wacking them repeatedly.

The less determined rapists concede defeat, but a handful of stragglers continue to cling to Narunosuke. They practically froth at the mouth wen I get a hand too close.

Footfalls sound rapidly behind me, and Chad bursts forward with Kisuke. They tag-team, driving the crowd back with fluid ease. I haul Narunosuke up onto the platform, and he wraps his arms around me, smothering me. "Master!" he exclaims, distraught.

"Narunosuke," I wheeze, struggling for breath, "can't breath." He loosens his hold around my neck, and I gasp for air. Chad and Kisuke sit on the edge of the stage, panting from their exertion.

Mangareader, who had been sitting with the good bidders the entire time, stands up with what appears to be a Starrk-chibi plushy. **"I will have Starrk with me during the bids still, so go crazy with him in the story...though I altered the barrier a smidgen to protect him...and me on occasion...from the fangirls/fanboys that will no doubt gather around his area.**

"That's for sure," I sigh raggedly, flopping onto my side. As if to prove a point, the fan-girls and fan-boys leer evilly.

**"I would also like to bid for Chad as well, though I have nothing to bid this time that is extravagant or flashy...I don't think those two words are the essence of Chad, so I will be simple with the bids...I will bid a whole wardrobe of his favorite clothing (quite a few pairs in case you get blood on them accidentally while protecting someone), a case of your favorite food, a large bottle of high-quality polish for pendants, and with the power of my magical pen and paper, I made a life-like replica of your Abuelo...even if you choose another person in the end, I will give the replica to you as a gift (I would never use an item like this one against someone just to get what I want)."**

Chad dips his head. "Thank you," he says in his deeply rich voice.

Mangareader looks at Kisuke, who is sitting back on his hands. The make-up team bunches in around him, dabbing his face with cool wet cloths and feeding him cucumber slices.

**"Uh, Kisuke? A quick question..."**

"Yeah?" Kisuke lolls his head back so he can see Mangareader properly.

**"...did you provide the items that the team used to make Starrk look awesome before the envelope reading? Because some of the chemicals caused a reaction and made him look like this..."**

Mangareader raises the Starrk plushy...which actually isn't a plushy, but to everyone's shock, it's Starrk...a chibified Starrk. **"Think you can fix this? He wants to be his old self soon! Somehow being a chibi is cutting into his sleeping schedule." **Hat-'n-clogs sits up straight and stares at Starrk.

"Well I certainly didn't do that," he murmurs. The girls in the make-up crew look at each other, then shrug their shoulders.

"It might have been Mayuri's doing, just before he left."

I nod, crossing my arms. "He _was_ pretty ticked off." Everyone falls into a contemplative silence, wondering if Mayuri was the culprit behind Starrk's...er...situation. Minutes pass. I begin to get used to the comforting quiet. Then someone flips a table.

**JapanLover4ever: "Just why...HAS NOBODY BIDDED FOR MOMO, SHIRO-CHAN AND RANGIKU?!"**

Urahara chuckles. "Probably because they haven't gone up on the block yet."

**"Hah. Sorry about that." **

"No harm done," he says, and looks pointedly at the smashed piece of furniture. "Apart from the table."

Chad picks up a broom propped up against the wall and begins sweeping the confetti-littered floor. Narunosuke yawns and drags me over to the recliner...while I protest the entire way.

Urahara relishes in the preening of his fan-girls, who are giving him all manner of favors.

Everyone seems to sense the day is coming to an end, and begins settling down or packing up their stuff to go home.

Then Toshiro Hitsugaya walks into the room.

Fan-girl helldom breaks loose.

**To be continued...**

**A/N: Don't cry, Saria! Yes, your bid is good. :)**

**MehLikey: Gin has been auctioned off, but you are welcome to request for another character you would to bid on. And you can have a Gin plushy!**

**CrimsonCupcake, your love of Grimmjow and Ulquiorra is much appreciated. I'm glad you're excited about the Auction. SO AM I! ;)**

**Thank you to all my readers! And if you didn't guess yet, TOSHIRO IS ON BID NEXT CHAPTER! So go insane, and have fun! Glad to hear you're still staying with us Mangareader. :D**

**Join in for the insanity next chapter! Chad, Toshiro, Kisuke and Narunosuke will all be available!**


	21. Chapter 21

**And now for a small word from our host...**

**Wow, guys, I'm so sorry about not updating last week, but school got in the way! Thankfully, I managed to put some time away to write this chapter, so. here. we. go!**

**HOLY COW, 219 REVIEWS! (starts typing faster)**

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><p>You know, I think the most awesome thing about winning a character, is that you get to rub people's faces in it. Got a beef with someone? Just whip out Grimmjow (or any character to speak of) and say, "You wanna piece of <em>this<em>?"

Haha. Right now, that's what it's like to flash Chad. He's the perfect crowd control. No one tries to get up in his business because, well, he's freakin' hulking. And really tall.

So when people start going batshit over Toshiro's arrival, Chad has to go around throwing piles of fangirls over his shoulder to try and clear a clean path to the stage.

Good news is no one was seriously injured. And the fangirls got a ride on Chad, which kept them amused long enough to rush Toshiro towards safety.

The captain must not be a stranger to this degree of madness, because he looks very calm. In fact, despite all the hand-grabbing and lewd gestures, he appears to be handling everything quite well.

Of course, that could be because I had tipped him off. I hadn't wanted Toshiro to go in blind (lest he get mauled), so instead of kidnapping him, I had allowed him time to come in on his own after explaining the whole situation. Really, the whole reason he hadn't come in sooner was so he could see our agreement pull through.

Toshiro wouldn't have come to the Auction freely unless I had put a large amount of money towards his squad.

The little extortionist...

He hadn't been pleased about going. But then, I couldn't blame him.

He was leaving his squad in the care of his lieutenant while he was absent. He probably feared his entire division would crumble to the ground.

Luckily, he's approaching this thing with a little dignity, and he isn't sulking like _some _people do (Mayuri). It might just be a trick of the light, but I swear I see the corners of his lips quirk when someone screams, "I LOVE YOU, CAPTAIN HITSUGAYA!"

A very well-endowed girl draped over Chad's broad shoulder lifts her head and waves wildly, her breasts on the verge of spilling out of her top.

Toshiro visibly loses his bearings and nearly trips on the stairs on his way up to the stage.

I pretend not to notice and go over to meet him, amusement written all over my face.

"Wow, that was pretty crazy, huh?" I say cheerfully, whacking him over the back so hard he nearly falls over.

"Watch it," he snaps, and I lift my hands up in surrender. Kisuke sits nearby, oblivious to everything going on as he mulls over his confetti cannon. "If only I could fix the gauge so it dispenses _less_ confetti," he mumbles to himself.

**blankNblank: "I offer Toshiro me, as a lieutenant, that will do all my paperwork and even his. Also a device that will tell him when Ukitake is getting near with candy so he can escape."**

I snicker. "Who runs _away _from candy?"

Toshiro glowers pointedly at me. "You don't know what it's like." I wave my hand at him.

"Anime-kisses, if Uki ever has candy to give away, I will _personally _relieve him of it. I, for one, LOVE candy!"

Kisuke perks up. "That's it!" he declares. "Candy! I should put candy in it instead of confetti!"

I sweatdrop. "Um, wouldn't that hurt if it hits the audience?"

Hat-'n-clogs doesn't appear to hear me. The idea's already in his head now. No one will tell him to do otherwise. I sigh heavily as he runs off to go find candy.

**blankNblank **finishes up the offer with a lucky shiny penny and bodyguards...the penny of which is in question. "W...What would I do with a penny?" Toshiro asks, plainly confused.

"Throw it on the ground!" Kisuke supplies, sneaking out from backstage. No candy there...

"Give it to the homeless," I say flatly.

"I don't think a penny would help the homeless," Chad tells me, matter-of-factly.

"You're right." I nod my head in agreement and cross my arms. "Then you should just throw it on the ground."

"Hey, that's my idea," Kisuke whines. I ignore him.

**MoonlightNightmare: "I have 6 million dollars and...I'll never call him short, or an elementary student...and I'll always call him Captain Hitsugaya...!"**

My eyes grow round with surprise. "That's a lotta dough. Did you win the lottery or rob a bank?"

Suddenly, my keen hearing warms me of approaching danger. I sidestep Narunosuke just as he executes a flying leap at my back. "Master!" He hits the floor, efforts fruitless.

"I'M NOT YOUR MASTER!" I howl, pointing at him with both index fingers for dramatic effect. "THERE'S ONLY ONE MAN I'LL BE THE MASTER OF, AND YOU'RE NOT UP TO SNUFF, SO BACK OFF, PAL!

"Who's that?" Kisuke asks aloud, and I hit the floor.

"You mean we've known each other all this time and you don't know this stuff?!" I cry, flailing.

An ocean of fangirls hits the side of the stage, wanting to be heard. Hands claw in frenzy at the edge of the platform, trying to get up. I begin to issue an order for security, but it is unneeded, as JapanLover4ever jumps up on stage and produces a shield, blocking the wave.

**JapanLover4ever: "SCREW YOU ALL! HITSUGAYA-TAICHO IS OFF LIMITS!"**  
>"Now, now. Let's not be so hateful," Kisuke chides, trying to soothe out the tension crackling in the air. He goes over to the side of the stage, where the fan-girls lie in wait, and speaks to each of them, in a soft, even tone. No one knows what is said, but the fan-girls seem to relax, and back off.<p>

**"For Shiro-chan! I bid to do his paperwork for however long he wants, be his maid for two years and give him an unlimited supply of watermelons and his favorite sweets! Also, Toshiro, it's not your fault you lost against that horrible man, Aizen! You were just having a bad day!**

**TAKE THAT PEOPULZ! BEAT THAT! **

**I also offer you a Rangiku controller so you can put a collar on her and shock her or control her via remote whenever you want to!" JapanLover **hands Toshiro the remote and collar, giving him a large smile. Someone in the audience mutters, "Seems a bit extreme..."

Another adds in, "BDSM stuff."

**"Don't worry, I can control my fan-girling, so please consider my offer! Well, ja ne!" **With that, **JapanLover **bows deeply and recedes into the crowd.

"Jeez...You must have paperwork overload," I say, picking myself up off the floor and brushing my clothes off. It's gone with the custom made kimono. Today, my ensemble is an all out cosplay of...Kaien Shiba.

"HOLY COW, WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?" everybody shouts in unison.

I slam my fist into a table that is placed conveniently next to me. "WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOUR EYEBALLS BEEN? YOU DIDN'T NOTICE WHAT I WAS WEARING UNTIL JUST NOW?"

Everyone stares. "Um...no, not really." No one dares to come clean...that they were all too distracted by the magnificant Toshiro to notice my attire.

"I'm surprised you didn't dye your hair black," Kisuke says.

"I'm not that insane," I grumble, loviingly stroking my lieutenant's badge. A commotion starts up somewhere behind me, and Kisuke looks up curiously from his work just as a member of the audience gets by Chad and hones in on me.

**"WHOOO! A Gin plushie! Thanks so much! Kevvy, you rule!" **MehLikey begins to hug the plushie to death. **"And finally, here comes my first bid. Hitsugaya-taicho, you are amazing. And not short." **Toshiro looks pleased by the last bit. **"For you, I bid protection against fangirls, fanboys (hey! It is possible!), Rangiku, and Ukitake and his candy.**

**I will never in any way insult you or call you short and I will leave you to do your papework. Or I can help with it so the load is lightened.**

**I will make sure Momo stays safe and I will arrange for you to have meetings with her owner whenever you see her.**

**I will be happy to do anything you want me to do, as I'm sure I haven't listed everything here. If it is possible and you want it, I will do it. **

**As you may have already noticed, I will always call you taicho and never any silly nicknames. I will never bring myself that low.**

**Err. Does that sound obsessive? I hope not. Please consider my offer, Hitsugaya-taicho."**

If it's possible, Toshiro looks impressed. And extremely satisfied by the taicho part of the offer.

I go over to talk with my enthusiastic readerabout a bid in advance...and to bask in the glow of all the appreciation I'm getting.

And just because it's asked, I present **MehLikey **with a truckload of Gin plushies...and a year's supply of sugary junkfood. A few fangirls get crushed when the driver releases the truckbed and it sends a giant hill of the stuff cascading onto them.

My ever helpful Chad goes to dig them out with the help of standby medical personel. Thankfully the lovely **Sakura Schiffer **is not among those buried by the sugary goodness.

What's more, she feels so loved, she strikes le pose and starts giving everyone cookies.

**"Sakura made a typo in her last review...she meant she would bid her love to Narunosuke...and give him some clothes...Oh...and Narunosuke..."**

Narunosuke peers out from behind the lounge chair Renji left behind, which is the closest he can get to me without inciting my wrathful aura. It's not that I don't think he's hot...BECAUSE DAMN IS THAT MAN HAWT! But I don't want to be unfaithful to my beloved Kaien. And it's hard to resist Narunosuke's cuteness when he's clinging to me all the time.

**"...Sakura promises to keep them mean fangirls away...she'll feed them to cows, too." **Narunosuke offers a timid smile. "Thank you," he says softly. **Sakura **takes one of her delicious cookies and flings it at Kisuke's head. **"Calm ur nips with da cannon, Kisuke-kun!"**

He blinks, having been in the process of stealing some of MehLikey's immense fortune of candy to fill his cannon with. "Okay," he says blankly.

He very non-discreetly snags another pawful of candy to stuff with his cannon with and walks off, waiting for his chance...**Anime-kisses **decides to share in on the love as well and cuddles me while I devour a plate full of cookies.

**"Yay! I got glomped! :)) Here, Kevvy, have this."**

Anime-kisses digs through her pockets and pulls out a Kaien rubber ducky. **"Isn't it adorable?! And when you squeeze it, it squeaks out little commands."** I effect a very flattered and shimmery-eyed look of awe...which dissolves the moment Chad says, "That's...very creepy."

"Yeah," Kisuke joins in, noticeably disturbed. "It's s'posed to be a duck...but it's not."

A murderous aura radiates from me, filling the room and giving everyone chills.

"It's beautiful," I grind out, "and I don't want to hear anyone say it's not." My eyes narrow as they find hat-'n-clogs, who suddenly isn't so sunny anymore. His spirits are sapped by my wrath.

"Are we clear?" He nods frantically, incapable of speech.

The pressure filling the studio dissipates, and everyone is finally able to breathe. I go back to lavishing **Anime-kisses **in compliments over the ducky, then sneak away to go add it to the shrine of memoribilia I have tucked away. By then, **Anime-kisses **has taken new interests...in bombarding Toshiro with fangirlish-ness. **"OMG, HITSUGAYA-TAICHO! IT IS AN HONOR TO MEET YOU, SIR!" **

"Toshiro sure seems to be getting the respect he's always wanted," Kisuke addresses me as I return to the stage. I look over at the small-ish captain, who is giving **Anime-kisses **his full, undivided attention.

**"While I am not bidding on you, I would like to take this moment to make a promise to you."**

**Anime-kisses **kneels on the ground before a very shocked Toshiro.

**"I shall bid on and I WILL win Momo. I swear to you here and now that I shall not only protect her with my very life but I shall make sure she lives a peaceful, serene life filled with nothing but happiness and watermelons. I just wanted to tell you this because I know how much you care for Hinamori. Thank you for listening." **Now done with her respectful gesture, **Anime-kisses **stands up and hands a basket full of watermelons to Hitsugaya. He receives them gratefully, but he tries to look cool even as he bows slightly from the weight of the giant melons. **"Oh, and any time you need help with paperwork because Rangiku is being a lazy bum, I'll be more than willing to help."**

She smiles at him, and Toshiro says a strained thank-you before turning around and staggering towards the table.

"Aw, Toshiro, can you not handle the wittle ol' melons? Do you need a hand?" I coo mockingly.

"It's _captain_ Hitsugaya," he hisses through clenched teeth. "And I'd like to see you try." I stride over to him confidently, a smug look on my face. Then I take the basket from him and immediately fall over, hitting the floor with a loud thud.

"Whoa...those are wonder-melons," I gasp, draped over the basket. Toshiro rolls his eyes at me and sighs in exasperation.

**ImSeriousBro: "TOSHIRO TOSHIRO TOSHIRO OMF FAINTS." **

"What's OMF?" Kisuke asks innocently.

"Probably something too obscene for children's ears, darling," I tell him, patting him on the head affectionately.

"I think it means oh my fuck," some unlucky guy in the audience murmurs.

"WHO THE HELL SAID THE F WORD?" I howl, flipping a table with inhuman strength and sending the basket of watermelons catapaulting into the air. Toshiro's eyes widen in horror, but he sags with relief as Chad catches them before they hit the ground.

"You said hell," another bidder points out unhelpfully. Without warning, the room grows cold.

A dark black energy rises off me as he lean over the side of the stage and grab both members of audience. I lift them from the floor by the front of their shirts. As I get right up in their faces, I grow fangs and my eyes turn a demonic, overcast color.

"I'm allowed to curse. _Do you have a problem with that?" _

"NOOOOOOOO!" the bidder wails, shaking his head as fast as humanly possible. I release him and turn my attention to my next victim.

The guy who'd said the F word takes one look at my wild appearance, and faints dead away.

"Hmph." I toss him away somewhere into the audience.

**"Was that too much fan-girling? Prolly.**

**Toshiro, I'll give you a one-way ticket to Antarctica, and then a crap-load of money so that you can do whatever you want. You can get away from everyone and I won't even bother you."**

ImSeriousBro coughs. **"But I do request seeing you once a month. That's all. Once I see those other evil bidders, though...(NEXT CHAPTER COUGHCOUGH)..." **She rubs her hands together. **"I'll be back to update and compliment your awesome writing, Kevvy."**

"I'm awesome!" I yell, pumping my fist into the air. Participants of the Auction watch me wearily, afraid I might make a snack of one of them. But I'm back to my old self, and I'm no longer Dark Kevvy with the fangs. Everybody relaxes a little, when suddenly a tiny ball of light shoots into the room and makes a beeline for the stage.

**To be continued...**

**Well, this is actually the first time there have been **_**this **_**many bids for one character. As one would expect, I could not fit it all on this chapter. If I had, everyone's eyeballs would be sore from an extremely drawn out chappy. So I have spared you. Good news is: all reviews that were not seen in this chapter, will appear in the following one. **

**Because of Toshiro's immense fandom, I let this chapter center on him, thus the neglect of the other characters. Poor Kisuke-kun didn't get to use his confetti/candy ****cannon...But next chapter he most definitely will! Because Kisuke Urahara is leaving the building with his owner. :) Feel free to post any last-minute bids for him.**

**JapanLover4ever: If your review looked a little off, it's cuz I combined your current offer with the previous one. I didn't one want to leave either one out.**

**You guys stay awesome. **

**Signing off.**


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N: Special thanks to Hylla for reviewing so many chapters. 0.0 When I saw my reviews had shot up, I was very surprised, even more so when I found out it was due to one person. Thanks for the comments. You stay awesome.**

**As for my other readers, I hope you have not deserted me. -.-' I took a long hiatus because of writer's block, BUT NOW I AM BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER!~**

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><p>As it turns out, the tiny ball of light wasn't a flying object of death. Actually, it's Mangareader, who seems just as distraught over his condition as the other bidders are. When the light around him fades, he is revealed in all his small glory with majestic ice wings on his back.<p>

**"Oh, thank god I had my magical notepad and pen on me! Kevvy, you have to help me! The evil scientist and his assistant did this to me..." **Mangareader goes into an explanation of what happened during the cool-off period between chapters.

AWESOME FLASHBACK MOMENT

Mangareader and Starrk stand on the rooftop of the auction house, enjoying a peaceful, non-chaotic moment.

"Go ahead without me, Starrk. I just want to catch my breath before the bids begin anew."

Starrk looks at him. "Just be careful. After what happened, I feel it is not the end with that crazy scientist."

Mangareader nods absent-mindedly as Starrk leaves.

"The sky is so clear and the air is so fresh! It is so peaceful up here," Mangareader says.

Suddenly, a wild Nemu (much like a wild Pikachu, but tamer) appears and grabs her unfortunate victim while injecting a weird substance in his arm.

"Master Mayuri sends you a gift as a thank you for disturbing his research on making people small."

With that, Nemu leaves as Mangareader begins to change.

END OF AWESOME FLASHBACK

**"...And when I came to, I was tiny! Is there anyway to fix this?"**

"How about a cup of milk? It promotes physical growth!" I suggest. "Toshiro drinks it all the time cuz he's so short."

"I HEARD THAT!" the captain bellows. His harem of fan-girls zip up their jackets as his icy spiritual pressure fills the room.

**"On a more positive note, I found this for you!" **Mangareader whips out an ID card that is larger than him at the moment. **"It's a membership card from the 'I Love Kaien Shiba' fan club. Though I know you have one already, this one is super special. It is the very first one in existence of the club, and it is autographed by Kaien himself!"**

I lunge without warning, but I miss by a hair as Mangareader snatches it from my reach. I execute a perfect somersault and roll onto my feet, thrusting my fist into the air. "WHYYY?!" I roar at the heavens.

**"It is yours as soon as you help me with my small size problem. I am beginning to feel the urge to shout out loud phrases like 'Hey!' 'Listen!' and 'Watch out!' "**

I croutch down in my emo corner and lay my head on my knees, a dark, depressing aura descending over me.

"Uh-oh," Kisuke murmurs, hiding his face behind his fan. A puddle of tears expands around me as I erupt in wretched sobs.

**Bangkok-chan** and **ultimate kh fan **walk up to the edge of the stage at that moment, and the uncomfortable shopkeeper sees his chance to get away from my waterworks. He edges away from me, leaving me to amass a larger puddle of tears.

Toshiro looks visibly annoyed by my racket, and unleashes a wave of icy pressure that solidifies the pool swelling around me. I lose my footing on it and slip, collapsing spread-eagle on the sheet of ice. "Master!" Narunosuke exclaims, coming to my aid from where he'd been concealed behind Renji's chair.

**"I'll give you as much money as you want to renovate Urahara Shoten so it's absolutely fabulous! Can I paint it pink?" Bangkok-chan **asks, finishing up her bid for Kisuke.

He chuckles. "That wouldn't be a bad color for a candy shop, but it's a little bright, don't you think? What's wrong with my current color scheme?"

Narunosuke returns to my side several feet away, having been rummaging backstage for a washbowl. He soaks a cloth in the basin of warm water and rests it on my forehead to chase away the chill.

Chad appears to be entertaining **forever122, **who's trying to tempt him with...tomatoes and loud shirts.

The gentle giant sweatdrops.

**"...Also some fuzzy friends! Maybe a dew bird, a rabbit, a gerbil, guinea pig, and hamster. Even if I don't win, I still want to be your friend."**

"Good to know," Chad says. "Thank you."

"I can't hear myself think!" I groan. The chorus of fan-girl squealing builds to a crescendo as Toshiro does a flourish with his Hyorinmaru for a couple of 5 year olds. There's no enthusiasm in it though.

In fact, he seems very irritated. This must be like the hundredth time he'd been asked to manifest a shower of snow flakes. He sighs heavily, going through the motions.

**"TOSHIRO!" **The voice carries over the rest, silencing everyone. I give a huge breath of relief.

**"Everyone stay away! Back off ladies!" **Shades-soul comes trudging through the crowd, parting the way through the sea of bidders. **"Captain Hitsugaya, I will give you an unlimited supply of watermelons, promise! I will go to the ends to find you one when they are out of season if it comes to it."**

Toshiro casts a deadpan look over his shoulder at the colossal mountain of watermelons his fan-girls had been giving him all day. What a waste...How on earth was he going to eat all those?

**"I will help you with your paperwork, organize it and even deliver it without asking for anything in return, slacking or complaining."**

Toshiro crosses his arms. "Well good. Seeing as how Rangiku is never around when you need her, more hands will be welcome." Rangiku shoves her way up the front. "Captain! How can you say that?" she cries, injured.

"Because it's true," he retorts. Static charges between them.

**"I will also find a way to replace all of Matsumoto's sake with water or make a safe that she can't break."**

"WHAT?" Rangiku whirls around to face Shades-Soul, her expression one of outrage. "I'll have you know I am a _very _responsible lieutenant." Everyone, including me and Toshiro, scoffs in unison.

"Yeah right."

**"I will call you captain and not Toshiro, promise! I will mention this and face your wrath. We are both short, I barely reach 5'0, so I will kick anyone's butt who dares to call you so or a child. Don't know what else to offer...? Safety from fan members?"**

A vein throbs on Toshiro's face, but after hours of height remarks on my part, he sees the futility in countering, and tries to keep his composure.

**"AAAAAAAHHHH! OMG, KEVVY! I LOVE YOU! (Not that way. In a friendly way. Duh.)"**

MehLikey appears onstage and skips in circles around the snowy-haired captain, hugging a Gin plushie to death and sucking on a scorched almond. **"I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE scorched almonds."**

"Like I love POCKY!" I shout, waving my arms around like a madman.

**"Okay, Hitsugaya-taicho. Um. If you don't like me, you will never have to see me again. Just give me the word (The word is the word.)"**

"It's fine. You can stay," Toshiro says, unsheathing his sword and shattering the ice I'd slipped on in one clean cut. It disintegrates, lifting away from the floorboards without leaving a mark.

**"Please, Kevvy, tell me I'm not going crazy. I see Gins following me everywhere. I think your plushies came to life." **I blink as MehLikey drags a struggling plushie from behind a pole.

**"See!" **The Gin waves. I give Urahara a pointed look, and he shrugs his shoulders sheepishly.

"Mod souls. I wanted to test them out," he laughs it off, rubbing the back of his neck.

**"Can I still keep them?" **I close my eyes as Narunosuke helps me over to Renji's recliner and nod.

"Yes. They are your property, after all."

**"Oh, one last thing." **Urahara smiles at MehLikey, who promptly begins to strangle him with black liquorice. **"F*** YOU, URAHARA! NO ONE STEALS MY SCORCHED ALMONDS AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!"** Hat-'n'clogs flails wildly for a moment, then there's a loud pop, and a long wheezing sound comes out of him as he deflates. Urahara pops up behind MehLikey with a wicked grin on his face.

"Portable gigai!" he declares. A Gin plushie punches him in the face, dropping him to the floor like a sack of potatoes.

**"Kevvy, please tell me he's dead."**

"Probably not," I sigh.

**"Hitsugaya-taicho, if there's anything else you want, just ask. I will do it." **Mehlikey flashes him a blinding smile and exits the stage. Toshiro just stands there, confused and weirded out by the sight of all the Gin plushies tumbling after MehLikey.

**Shirayuki: "I will give Toshiro freedom to do whatever he wants as long as I get to glomp him every now and then. I will also give him an unlimited supply of watermelons and do all of his paperwork."**

"How many times have we received the same bid now?" I say to myself. "Any more watermelons and the stage will collapse in on itself." As if to prove how strained the stage is, a low creaking groan passes through the floorboards. Toshiro passes the mountain of watermelons a weary glance.

**AnimeKisses: "Hey! What's this about running away from Jushiro? Captain Hitsugaya doesn't do it because my precious Jushiro genuinely annoys him or scares him (he isn't a pedophile damn't.) Hitsugaya just doesn't want to be seen as a child thank you very much!"**

Toshiro looks at Anime-Kisses with gratitude. "That's right," he agrees with feeling.

**"How convenient, Kevvy! Ju-kun just gave me some candy this morning. It was originally for Hitsugaya-taicho, but I'm sure the captain doesn't mind sharing, right? But don't give the candy to Kisuke. I'm worried for all our safety." **I nod, clutching my secret stash closer. Kisuke moans, starting to recover from the knock in the face.

**"Nice cosplay, Kevvy!" **Anime-Kisses gives me a thumbs up. I flush, adjusting my vice-captain's badge.

"Thanks," I say, lighting up.

**"Captain Hitsugaya doesn't need a protector from Ju-kun for the last time! He's simply very loving and wants to share what little he can offer!"**

Toshiro yelps as he gets yanked down onto the ground, hanging dangerously over the side of the stage. Fan-girls put their hands on his shoulders to support him while others begin to pet his hair. "Hey, stop that!" he hollars, arms pinwheeling.

**"I'm glad someone appreciates my Kaien ducky..." **Chad achieves a very disturbed expression at the sight of my Kaien ducky, which is sitting with me on the chair. It's eyes...those haunting eyes...They were staring into his soul...

Anime-Kisses begins tearing up. **"Kisuke-kun, how could you be so mean...? I don't even know if I want to kiss you anymore!" **Kisuke looks at her with wide, puppy dog eyes as he pulls himself up into a sitting position.

Anime-Kisses looks back at him. **"Okay, I lied. You're still too damn handsome for your own good." **Anime-Kisses begins to address Toshiro, who is in the process of being smothered, felt up, and throughly violated by fan-girls. **"Thanks for listening, sir! I hope you enjoy your "wonder" melons, as Kevvy put it."**

"GAAAAAH!" Toshiro begins thrashing and yelling at the top of his lungs as a rather busty fan-girl pulls him into her cleavage. His voice is muffled by her boobs, but his reluctance towards the whole situation is clear by his squirming and squirming.

**"Speaking of which, Kisuke! If you're interested (which I'm sure you are) as to how I grew my melons like that, you should go with me. I'll show you all sorts of my own little experiments and we can do our own little science sho-W, OMG, KISUKE, YOU COULD BE THE NEXT BILL NYE!" **Hat-'n-clogs decides to put an end to Anime-Kisses rant and throws his arms around her, glomping her...then he gives her the smooch she asked for. Everyone stares. Narunosuke tries to cover my eyes, to which I slap his hands away for trying to treat me like a kid.

**WinterValley: "And now I finally bid! Captain Hitsugaya, I will buy you a watermelon farm and an amanatto factory! I will also make it so that Matsumoto actually does her paperwork!"**

"Hell with freeze over before that happens," I mutter. Toshiro just shakes his head.

The stage, however, which has been suffering the weight of too many watermelons for some time now, cannot take the mention of another watermelon, let alone a farm of them. Just hearing the word, it gives a terribly loud snap, and breaks in half, causing Toshiro, the watermelons, and myself to go sliding towards the gaping break in the middle.

I emit a startled scream as I plummet towards it.

"CONGRATS CHIRPY HITOMI-CHAN! YOU'VE WON KISUKE URAHARAAAAAAAA!"

Darkness swallows us.

**To be continued...**

**Chapter was a bit longer than usual, but that was to compensate for my long absence. Hope you readers liked ^.^ Will definitely try to post new chappy next week.**

**Unfortunately, even with as long a chapter as this one so obviously was, I still could not fit all the bids in here, so they will be pushed to next chappy, where you will most definitely see them.**

**Narunosuke, Chad and Toshiro all are still on bid. Chirpy Hitomi-chan, Kisuke is now yours! But I think I might keep him just for next chapter to keep things fun. :)**

After the wreckage has settled from the collapsed halves of the stage, a vile of fluid rolls out. Apparantly, it had been thrown from Kisuke's pocket when he'd fallen. The antidote to Mangareader's little problem.

Why of course he'd known Mayuri was researching making people small! He'd originally designed it, after all. Mwahahaha!


	23. Chapter 23

**Chapter 23**

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><p><strong>AN: Dear readers: so sorry for the long wait! I am now graduating from high school, so I've been quite busy.**** Coming May 7th, I will be returning to Fanfiction and finishing all ongoing projects. I am not abandoning my stories. HogyokuButterfly: Don't be sad! I have not quit writing Bleach Auction and I do not intend to. I apologize for the wait on this chapter. It took me a considerable amount of time to finish it.**

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><p>A giant, yawning chasm opens up in the middle of the stage, the two halves collapsing inward and sending me and my unfortunate party sliding towards it. The audience screams, running away as a plume of dust fills the studio. Out of the chaos, <strong>Mangareader125<strong>, still in his magical fairy body, flies towards me and Toshiro and grabs us by the back of our outfits, pulling us both up.

**"I guess being small and able to fly has some advantages, huh?"** He beams at us. Toshiro sighs heavily with relief, and I sag, very much dazed from all the turmoil and the deafening noise coming from the bidders as they stampede each other in trying to find the exit.

**Mangareader** places us back on a safe piece of stage, where I melt into a puddle on the floor and don't get back up.

Toshiro just composes himself and proceeds to brush himself off as though nothing has happened.

Nearby, **Mangareader** spots the vial that Kisuke dropped just before he'd been swallowed by the darkness. Heaven only knew where he was now...

**"Is this the antidote?" Mangareader** asks aloud. **"Well, I already have one experiment on me...what's one more, huh?" **He reads the label.** " 'Drink me'? Okay!" **One sip later, **Mangareader** returns to his original height in a startling transformation...that leaves him with wolf ears and a tail randomly added to his appearance.** "Huh...I guess it had some side effects. Oh well, a deal's a deal. Here you go, Kevvy! One special must-have, number one 'I Love Kaien Shiba' fan club club with his signature on it!" **

In an instant, I go from puddy to person, and take the card from **Mangareader**, lifting it above my head in triumph. "YEEEEEEES! IT'S ALL MINE!"

**"Toshiro, I offer this item up for bid...A bottle of pills!" **There's a pregnant silence. Toshiro and I stare at **Mangareader.**

"They aren't ordinary pills,"

he says sheepishly. **"They are a special pill that forces alcoholics to stop drinking! Just slip a pill into her tea, and when she begins to drink saké when you aren't around (yeah, she might be drinking right now instead of working at the moment) the medicine will react badly to it, and make her ill!"**

No one needs to ask who "she" is. Rangiku is a notorious lush. In fact, while everyone had been fleeing for their lives, Rangiku had been passed out drunk on the floor. She's still there, saké gourd in hand.

"Seems a little harsh, making her ill, don't ya think?" I ask aloud. Toshiro just shrugs, unwilling to comment.

**"If that doesn't do it then how about this device that switches all the alcohol in the immediate room with vinegar." **The captain immediately takes interest. "Really? I could use that." He goes over to prod **Mangareader **for more information on how this remarkable contraption of his works.

Just as they're getting into it, **Sakuya Schiffer **makes a mad dash towards the gaping hole in the ground, falls to her knees, and looks up dramatically at the ceiling.

**"NNNNNNNOOOOOO! NARUNOSUKE-KUN!"** **Sakuya **suddenly clears her throat.** "A-and Kevvy-chan, too...NNNNOOOOOO!"**

**Sakuya **flails her arms, running around like a chicken without its head. She continues to go unnoticed to the fact I am indeed within the vicinity. The bit of stage I'm standing on is directly behind the reckage on the other side of the hole in the ground, so I am hidden from view**.**

"SOMEBODY GET THE TACO OF LOVE! IT CAN FLY! IT'LL SAVE US ALL FROM THE HOLE AND STARVATION! WE GOTS TA SAVE KEVVY-CHAN AND NARUNOSUKE-KUN!"

_Taco of love? _I think, bemused.

**Sakuya** manages to find one of **MehLikey's** Gins as she's pinwheeling, and glomps him.

"YOU! Your crazy! Go get in dat thar hole!" Gin takes one look at the black chasm and shakes his head no.

**"Narunosuke-kun! I shall save chu! Let meh loves chu! Please choose Sakuya and chu will never be swallowed by a hole in the ground ever again! Sakuya promises!"**

A hand grasps the edge of the pit, and Narunosuke's dirt smudged face appears as he slowly hauls himself up the side.

His eyes mist over with tears as he sees the very distraught Sakuya.

"M-my...master. I have upset you." His shimmering gaze remains locked on her as I suddenly jump out of hiding and waving an accusing finger. "THE HELL? I THOUGHT I WAS YOUR MASTER! TRAITOR!"

"He got tired of you playing hard to get, Kevvy-chaaaaan," Rangiku drawls, just barely managing to sit up in her drunken state. Narunosuke blinks innocently.

"That isn't true, Kevvy-sama. I have simply come to understand your affections are for another. Sakuya, however, has been here for me this whole time. I know now she is my true master."

He smiles at me. "Thank you for everything." Narunosuke wobbles a bit as he stands to his feet, but manages a meager bow. Casting me one last soulful look, he turns and puts his arm around Sakuya, walking away with her.

MehLikey chooses at that moment to make a sudden appearance, startling me.

**"Oh, wow. Did you survive your stage collapse?"**

"It appears all body parts are intact," I assure.

**"I hope no one (except Urahara) died. Thank gods, he's gone." **

Without warning, Urahara rockets out of the chasm, riding on his cannon as candy explodes out the back. "CONGRATS, SAKUYA SCHIFFER, YOU'VE WON NARUNOSUKEEEEE!" he declares.

"Hey!" I start, pointing my finger at him as he starts whizzing around the ceiling.

My rather alarmed exclamation is cut short as I get bombarded with piles of candy and pounds more of scorched almonds.

**"Kevvy, I ran out of scorched almonds already." **Mehlikey frowns.

"Problem solved!" Kisuke cheers, waving at said hill of scorched amonds...that is sitting directly on top of me. "Have I won you over into liking me now? Hm?" The devious shopkeeper waggles his eyebrows.

**Panoramic Downs: "Umm... Can I bid on Hitsu-chan? If so, my bid is as follows: As much amanatto and watermelon as you could ever need-" **Toshiro gives a pointed look at the gaping hole in the ground

**"-a room full of Aizen voodoo dolls, some high-definition TVs so you can watch the chaos you create with said dolls, and a nice house in the mountains with loads of security to keep away the fangirls. The house includes a huge (HUGE!) library (I bet you love reading), a bedroom, fully equipped bathroom, state-of-the-art-kitchen (Make delicious baked goods for me, please!), computer room, and garden where many watermelons will be growing, among other amenities. MANY WATERMELONS. You shall never run out." **

"I think the giant hole in the floor is all the emphasis needed on the watermelons, thank you," Kisuke says.

The white-haired captain gives a groan at the mention of another watermelon, and shuffles off to go find peace, which may be hard to find with the audience cursing Hat-'n-clogs, because now they not only have to wade through debri from the stage collapse, but a sea of candy and scorched almonds as well.

The entire studio is a mess.

**MehLikey: "Did I freak you out, Hitsugaya-taicho? If I did, I apologize."**

"Quite the opposite. At least you're sane," Toshiro says, collapsing onto one of the few unbroken chairs in the room. "Everybody keeps offering me stuff I don't know what I'd do with. Aizen is in a maximum security prison. I'm not going to get some twisted rise out of torturing him with voodoo when he's already received his punishment. I don't even know anything about voodoo."

"But it's nice to know you have the option," Kisuke puts in jovially, smiling as ever.

**"People are offering you watermelons now. I would, but that would just seem like I'm a copycat, unable to think up my own offer for you. Remember, all of my previous offers still stand.**

**But let me ask you a very important question, Hitsugaya-taicho. What do you want?"**

Toshiro straightens up a bit from his slouched position, blinking.

"I guess if I had a choice, it would be to get stronger. To be able to protect Momo from ever getting hurt again. I mean, I know Rangiku isn't the most responsible person in the world, but that hasn't changed in the past 100 years, so I don't see why things should suddenly turn on a dime. She's loyal to squad 10 and that's all that matters."

Kisuke nods, arms crossed, sitting cross-legged on a cushion offered to him by his fan-girls.

"Very poetic," he says.

**ultimate kh fan: "Toshiro-kun, I will keep Rangiku-kun doing her paperwork so you won't end up doing it whenever she gets drink. I will poor ice-cold water on her to get her sobered up and back to her duties. I will force Strawberry to call you by your title, I will supply you with an endless supply of shaved ice, I will battle against you to help you lengthen your Bankai time, I'll help you with any problem you may be having with Momo-kun, and any time you want a break I'll take over your duties and keep everyone away from you. And if anyone touches Toshiro-kun they will have to answer to me!"**

**Kh fan **pulls out a powerful, super adaptable zanpaku-to, causing everyone to shrink back in intimidation. I keep a weary eye trained on the blade in case it comes too close to vital body parts.

**forever122: "First of all, I want to say that I admire your leadership skills and your tendency to not procrastinate. No joke. I offer you three wagons full of watermelons-" **I break out into sobs at the word, falling to my knees before the wreckage of my beloved studio and the broken stage.

Splinters of wood litter the floor, and the dust cloud of debris has settled, revealing the now dust-covered nature of the room and its inhabitants. The sea of candy from Urahara's cannon effectively highlights the carnage.

**"I also offer to take all that candy off your hands."**

A lake of tears expands around me, and Toshiro glances at **forever122 **nervously. "You probably should."

**"I pride myself in my maturity, timing, and writing skills. I will do half of your paperwork for you, and I won't stop until it's done. I do that with my schoolwork also. If you have any problems, I will do my best to solve them. That is the best I can give you. To the ultimate kh fan or something. I will gladly duel you. I need to improve on my sword skills anyway."**

With that said, **forever **whips out a zanpaku-to, facing off with **kh fan. "I will also have your back in any situation, Hitsugaya-taicho!"**

Toshiro sighs, arms crossed. "Can I go now?" he asks me. "I need to be somewhere."

"Where?" Kisuke asks, curious.

"Working," the captain snaps. "I have a division to run, you know."

"But you still have so many fans who want to torture and torment you," I say. One of said fans pulls her shirt up, exposing herself to everyone in the room.

"I WANT TO HAVE YOUR BABIES, HITSUGAYA-KUN!" Her jugs bounce around, making an eye-popping display.

"HOLY TACO, THIS IS PG-13, WOMAN, COVER YOURSELF UP!" I explode. She giggles, turning to give Toshiro a good view.

"Gwah!" A geyser of blood spurts from his nose, the force of which causes him to fly backward and hit the floor. He merely twitches, brain circuits severely fried from the sensory overload. I go over to him and kneel by his side, mischievously stuffing tampons up his nose to stop the bleeding.

"Heheh," I snicker, and creep away. Toshiro groans, coming to as some of his fan girls begin fussing over him. Kisuke quickly yanks the tampons out, choosing to keep his life rather than suffer icy wrath for cheap laughs.

I sulk, crossing my arms in disappointment. He just shrugs. Rangiku pushes her way through the cluster of girls milling around Toshiro, staggering a bit with dizziness. She gives her captain a very lopsided smile when she sees him and waves. "Hey, captaain."

**Toshirolovr94: "I'll bid a quiet place for CAPTAIN Hitsugaya. And the room has a shocking system if Rangiku gets near it." **

"Hey!" The voluptuous lieutenant shoots **Toshirolovr **a dark glower.

**"And she won't be able to bother you! And no more doing Rangiku's paperwork. It's such a pain I'm her cous- uh-oh," **she falters. Toshiro's eyes widen. **"Hehe...um...Rangiku, you can tell him...Anyways, uh..."**

Rangiku blinks as **Toshirolovr **hides behind her, seemingly using her as a human shield to escape the captain's penetrating eyes. "I have a cousin?"

**"And I've done her work before so I know how you feel..." **

"Oh wow!" Rangiku throws her arms around **Toshirolovr**. "I have a cousin! So cool!"

I sigh, face-palming. "You're still drunk."

The bidders bustle around us, suddenly coming alive with new movement. It seems something's happening near the hole in the studio. The crowd parts around us, clearing a path just as Chad appears within view, dirty but unharmed.

"You're alive!" I exclaim.

"Yes," he replies, not one for many words.

Behind me, **JapanLover **and Toshiro are getting into it over a fantastic amulet that allows the wearer to have whatever they desire. She continues to keep his interest by promising to pay his bills, which is, well, very important to a guy who likes things well in order.

**AzTec999 **throws a bit somewhere in the mix, complete with a customized state of the art frozen mansion...and Matsumoto prevention- "Hey!" she wails. "Why is there no love? Am I really _that _character, the one everyone dislikes? Y'know I can't be held responsible for Toshiro being so uptight! Why should his happiness be valued over mine?"

Toshiro scoffs. "Because I pull my weight and you don't. Besides, you ALWAYS get off-time. I don't."

She just pouts at him, trying to give him the guilt-trip. He's having none of it. Toshiro walks with **JapanLover **in tow, discussing the details of the amulet while at the same time waving **AzTec **over to talk shop.

Somewhere after introductions she finishes her bid with mention of growth pills. **"I know it's very important to you. And I promise to leave you alone if you so choose."**

The room goes deathly quiet. Urahara winces.

I snore, having fallen asleep in all the commotion. Which is a remarkable feat in itself considering I'm standing up, but I'm leaning against Chad and he's like a statue, having not moved for fear of waking me.

The tension is immediately dispelled when Toshiro nods curtly, seeming to understand she meant well. "Thank you." Everyone sighs. I snore.

"And in all this fun you forgot to invite me," says a mock wounded voice. Szayel strolls in through the door.

T**o be continued...**

**All characters except for Szayel will be gone next chapter, so if you have any last-minute bids, now would be the time to do it. Chirpy-Hitomi-chan hasn't come to claim Urahara or said anything in regards to his kidnapping, so I'm going to keep him a little longer. Meheheheh. **

**Next chapter Szayel, Tesla and Aaroniero will be going on Auction. I should note that Aaroniero will be as is, not with the Kaien option, because Kaien is a separate character. Also, I just don't want to give him a reason to desecrate Kaien's memory any further. **

**Until next time, readers ;)**


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N: In regards to a question from I'mSeriousBro, no, Rangiku isn't going anywhere. She has not been put on the Block yet. As you said, she was just there to humor everybody's bids because she was involved in most of them.**

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><p>Somehow, with attitude alone, Szayel makes the Lazy Boy he's sitting in seem like a throne.<p>

The _Octova's _arrival had spurred quite the surprised reaction from everyone, not least myself. I had been meaning to put him off for much later, but knowing Szayel's flare for dramatic entrances, he _would _have to try and steal the limelight from Toshiro.

"Ah, look at you all," he sighs, twirling a lock of hair around his index finger. "Speechless before my presence. And so you should be."

I glower at him, having been lumped in with the rest of the audience after Szayel laid claim to the entire stage. The stage _I _had built, by the way, with my own sweat and blood. Blood meaning I had gotten quite a few splinters. Not impressive, I know.

The audience and myself had pitched in funds to repair the stage after the catastrophe of the last chapter. Unfortunately, as soon as it had gone up, the mad scientist had rallied his fangirls against me and I had been, so to speak, overthrown.

Kisuke, being his usual dapper self, had remained unmoved. He still sits on his bed of cushions, making modifications to his cannon.

Of course, not everyone's spirits are dampened.

Squealing erupts behind me, making Szayel wince. His eyes narrow dangerously as Sakuya glomps me in slow motion. **"Sakuya friggin loves chu!" **I blink erratically, distracted from my dark thoughts of dismembering Szayel.

Sakuya shoves the Taco of Love into my hands, its heavenly glow almost blinding me.

**"Sakuya thinkz this will come in handy one day...even though Chibi versions of Grimm-Kitty and Ulqui-Bat live in it..." **I look startled, almost dropping the Taco. "Uh...Chibis?"

**"Oh! And even though Sakuya gotz Narunosuke-kun now...she'll stick around and cause chaos...if Kevvy-chan doesn't mind." **Sakuya smiles brightly.

"No public disturbances will be allowed as long as I am here," Szayel declares, and shrieks loudly as a colorful explosion of candy backfires from Kisuke's cannon, hitting him and throwing him right off his throne.

"I didn't see that coming," Hat-'n-clogs announces. A couple of people snicker.

**"Now if chu shall excuse Sakuya, she's gonna torture Whitey-kun with watermelons."**

Dazed, I wave goodbye and approach the platform, where Szayel is dangling precariously over the edge.

He twitches, bones cracking and popping back into place. After his body contorts back to its normal state, he rises slowly, waving his fans away and adjusting his crooked glass, which had been knocked askew.

Everyone gapes at him in awe. Except for me and Urahara. I'm disappointed and, well, Hat-'n-clogs isn't new to the whole instant regeneration thing.

Without wasting a second, Szayel points one long finger at Kisuke's cannon. "Confiscate that," he commands.

Szayel's worshipers tackle Kisuke, diving for the offending cannon.

"NOO!" he howls. An epic battle of tug-of-war begins, with Urahara's fans pitted against Szayel's. I sigh as this scene draws out for like 5 minutes, and then I signal for Chad.

He wedges himself between the two parties and wrenches the cannon away. Several persistent clingers hang on to the device until Chad swings it around 360 degrees, sending them flying across the room.

"You there! Give that to me!" Szayel demands. I jump onto the stage.

"No. _I'm _running things around here." I straighten up, trying to seem as threatening as possible.

A gloved white hand settles on my shoulder.

"_And just who are you?" _a soprano voice asks.

I catapult into the air. "MICHAEL JACKSON!" I scream. Szayel effects a very blank look as I rush over and hide behind him.

"Well, well. And here I was under the impression that nothing could scare you," the mad genius says, amusement lacing his voice.

"Enough with the theatrics." Aaroniero strides out of the shadows from backstage.

Somehow the frills significantly take away from his diabolical presence, making it comical at best. I stare particularly long at his face..or faces. Everyone else joins in on the gawking. Except for Szayel, who thinks it's no great feat to look so hideous.

Finally, I break the long silence.

"Nice lava lamp," I remark.

"_LAVA LAMP?" _the high-pitched voice shrills, making everyone wince at the agony-inducing volume.

"YEAH! IT'S A LAVA LAMP, YOU GOTTA PROBLEM WITH THAT?" I yell back at him.

"IT'S NOT A LAVA LAMP, DAMMIT! IT'S A TANK!" He jabs a finger at the glass.

"Well how the hell am I s'pposed to know that?" I retaliate. "It looks a helluva lot like a lava lamp to me with all those bubbles in there!" He twitches angrily, looking very close to taking a flying leap at me.

Alas, our fight is short-lived.

Aaroniero's attention shifts away from me as he suddenly hears some very negative, disparaging whispers from the audience about his appearance.

"So ugly..." one girl murmurs, shuddering at the sight.

"What is it?"

"Maybe it's an alien or something..."

One of Toshiro's busty fangirls noticeably gags. Others squirm, uncomfortable with such a grotesque sight in their midst. Rangiku points a finger.

"Captaaain," she whines plaintively, suffering from a hangover. "I wanna bid a face reconstruction for him. He needs it."

Aaroniero shoots her a dagger-eyed look, clenching and unclenching his fists. On the farthest end of the stage, Tesla creeps out, trying to go unnoticed. Apparently, he fails at it, because **Sakuya Schiffer **spots him. **"Also, I forgot to mention..." **Tesla staggers back as Sakuya glomps him, hugging him to death.

**"Ur so adorable! Gah!"**

"Me?" he asks, not knowing what to think of such a compliment. Tesla normally didn't get praised. Just got on the receiving end of Nnoitora's bad side. Not that he minded. He worshiped Nnoitora and he was masochistic anyway, so he could take a few beatings.

**Sakuya **sees Szayel as he's threatening to cut Aaroniero down, because quite frankly, the _Noveno _won't shut up. Everyone keeps insulting his ego.

She frees Tesla and runs over, glomping Szayel and shaking him. **"Sakuya love u, ya flamboyant, easily mistakable for being gay, sexy scientist chu! Sakuya hatez pink but lovez it on chu! Love meh!"**

"I am not gay," Szayel tells her, sniffing with distaste. "Please remove yourself from my person."

Toshiro, who had been standing by witnessing this entire debacle, hops off the mountain of watermelons **Sakuya **had been torturing him with and heaves a sigh.

His fangirls look at him with big watery eyes as he walks over to them. He turns to **forever122 **first, and listens to her review. **"Come visit me sometime in December or January? Those are usually our snowiest months of the year. Where I am, we are known for our amount of snow."**

"Sure. I'll do that," he says. "And you can come and attend the New Year's party at our barracks."

He smiles, cocking his head slightly. The fangirls swoon. I roll my eyes.

**MehLikey: "Kevvy, thanks so much for the new supply. You do too much for me. You really are too nice."**

I flash a thumbs up. "I'm glad to help! Besides, its the least I can do after this last hiatus. I took forever writing this chapter, and I feel real bad about it."

**"Hitsugaya-taicho, I see this is the time in which a decision occurs that may change your whole life. I feel so sorry for you, being bombarded with all those last minute offers."**

He shrugs, hooking his thumbs through his obi. "It's no big deal."

**"Who ever you choose in the end, I hope you are happy with them. My advice would be to think it through, and not make any rash decisions."**

"Rash decisions were considered in the making of this chapter," I confess. "Part of the reason why it was delayed so badly. We wanted to get it right." Toshiro nods.

**"If I do not win, I will not hold any grudges, as I don't expect to win anyways, because what do I have to offer that the others don't?**

**Answering what you answered to my question. Unlike so many others, I can't promise you the impossible. I can see you have a goal, and that's always a good thing. I can't give you some magical pill to make you suddenly power up, and I know that the best way to become stronger, mentally and physically, is to work at it with your own sweat and guts. I can't help you down that road, but I can promise to be there for you, and lend a helping hand where necessary.**

**I wish you lots of luck with your decision, and I hope you make the right one. Don't let anyone else make the decision for you."**

**MehLikey **comes around to me. **"Kevvy, you must be happy. Look at the reviews for this story. Heaps."**

I beam. "Yeah, I know. Almost 270. I love you readers!" **MehLikey **smiles and gives me a friendly hug.

**"Don't let anyone bring you down."**

"I won't." I do a pose. "I'm impervious to negativity!" **MehLikey **waves as exiting the building.

**"I'm off now. All that preachy stuff that I didn't know I had in me completely tired me out. Bye!"**

Someone throws a tomato at Szayel. It hits his clean uniform with a dull splat and slides down, dropping onto the floor. The Szayel Brigade leaps into action, going to arrest the assailant. But then, out of nowhere, an eruption of confetti sweeps them off their feet. Kisuke rides the wave on a surfboard, grinning.

"CONGRATS, MEHLIKEY, YOU'VE WON TOSHIRO HITSUGAYA!"

A tsunami of confetti swallows Szayel. The entire studio is plunged into darkness...and confetti.

**To be continued...**

**Bids for Szayel are forwarded to the next chapter.**

**In regards to MehLikey's winning Toshiro, Toshiro has this to say: **"Your offer is very down-to-earth. Not many people would try for that angle, so the fact that you did is admirable. I look forward to working with you." Toshiro's fangirls wail, begging him not to leave. He just shakes his head and is escorted backstage by Chad to meet up with **MehLikey**.

**And so ends the bidding for Toshiro. Kisuke is now also leaving us.**

"Bye, everyone!" Hat-'n-cligs smiles, waving excitedly to his fans. I actually begin tearing up a little.

"But who will announce the winnings? And unleash the confetti?" I pick up the renowned confetti cannon, looking forlorn. He pats my head, ruffling my hair.

"I leave it to you, grasshopper." My lip wobbles a bit, and I break out into sobs, grabbing on to his haori.

**Meanwhile...Szayel's fans are digging him out. Chad is sadly going to be on bid for another chapter while I try to figure out what to do with him. So if anyone wants to last-minute bid on him, now is the time to do it. Tesla, Szayel and Aaroniero are also on bid.**

**Readers should expect regular updates now with all the free time I have on my hands, so no more unexpected hiatuses. Feel free to bid as much as you want :) And thanks for all the support!**

**PS: I'm glad you're staying on board, Sakuya. ;) :)**


	25. Chapter 25

After seeing Kisuke off last chapter, I had fallen into an almost disconsolate silence, still clutching onto the infamous confetti/candy cannon.

The atmosphere seemed to have lost much of its zeal after Hat-'n-clogs left, and without his spirited cheerfulness there was a gloomy sense of deprivation hanging in the air. But that didn't stop everyone from looking to the next best thing: Szayel.

Of course he hadn't died in that tidal wave of confetti. He was much too resilient to die his first day on the bidding block.

I feel a touch of anger directed at the Octova, but my attention is drawn by a brawl erupting in the crowd. One of Tesla's fans is bitch-smacking a Szayel worshipper. Szayel fan-girl manages to deliver a glancing blow to the throat, but the Tesla fan retaliates by seizing her with both hands and throwing her into two bystanders. They topple over like bowling pins, crashing to the floor.

I laugh quietly at the spectacle.

Szayel shoots a lethal glance at the Tesla fan, but doesn't reproach her. She's far too busy subjecting his follower to a litany of swearwords I dare not repeat. The biting lash of her voice makes me wince.

Perhaps I should recruit her as one of my security staff...

The cleaning crew, still in the process of sweeping up trash, stops what their doing as a ripple passes along the surface of the confetti lake remaining from last chapter.

**"Sakuya likes being here!" **Sakuya exclaims, bursting out of the confetti. The cleaning crew screams, scattering like cockroaches as Sakuya digs herself out. She then proceeds to glomp my head.

**"I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor, oh I'm a tumor!" **she sings**. "I'm a tumor, I'm a tumor! Oh, oh, oh, I'm a tumor!" **

I crick my neck to try and alleviate some of the pressure building on my spine. One of the bidders sees Sakuya sticking to me and runs away, screaming like a bloody idiot. Poor guy must have thought she was an actual tumor...

Sakuya looks down at my head like she's going to eat it before diving back into the confetti and pulling out the adorable Narunosuke. He smiles as she hugs him. **"Chu and Tesla-kun could be adorable as a yaoi couple. Don't ya'll yaoi fangirls think so?"**

Some of the fangirls that are keen on yaoi begin squealing in response. Tesla declines to comment. The last thing he wanted to do was feed the fire. But of course he can't ignore the lovely Sakuya, who doesn't waste any time in glomping him. She hugs him close, and whispers in his ear**, "But you're a uke."**

He sighs heavily. "You're not the first person to have said that..." He looks wearily at his fan crowd, all of whom are dead convinced he's a uke.

"Oh please," Szayel says, irritably waving a hand. "He has no backbone, otherwise he wouldn't have put up with Nnoitora for as long as he did. He is, by definition, a uke." Tesla doesn't rise to the barbed insult. He doesn't get the chance.

**"SSSSZZZAAAAAAYYYYEEEEELLLLL!" **The ear-piercing scream shatters the electric stare-down between Szyael and Tesla. **Bloody rose64 **jumps into action, dodging and dashing past the audience, and then flying on stage with a fortune worth of cash in hand. Which I'm still trying to get my head around, because that's a LOT of money to carry on one's person.

**"Please accept my offer your sexiness. Your super awesome laboratory is waiting for you where all true geniuses reside." **Szayel cocks a brow, sitting back languidly on his throne.

"Oh?" he inquires. She walks over and whispers in his ear. **"And I'm willing to devise traps to capture Mayuri for your own use."**

"This _is _interesting." He brushes his knuckles under his chin, seeming to consider the offer.

**Bloody rose **takes the opportunity to go into detail about his larger than life, totally indestructible laboratory. She even throws in a whole utopia with everything he could possibly desire...and more.

"Clones of that dislikable Soul Reaper, Mayuri, you say. And all the specimens I could ever want..." Szayel reiterates. "I can't say that's not tempting."

**"You're my favorite character on Bleach. I'd do anything for you. Please accept. Love you."**

She winks, beaming at him. Szayel gives her a lazy, slow smile.

"You sure are resourceful for a human. I will think on your offer," he tells her. He makes a motion with his hand, as if to dismiss her, and then **Bloody rose **sets her sights on me.

**"Dear Kevvy-chan, I'm gonna give you this!" Bloody rose **holds out a big bag crammed full with all the finest Kaien memorabilia, including a larger than life Kaien plushy that walks, talks, and does everything you ask it to.

I blink, and take a few wide steps back, feeling intimidated by the plushy and its enormity.

That way if the thing falls over I'll be out of the line of direct impact.

Still...I have to admit **Bloody rose's **ability to leave me stunned is unparalleled. I can't figure out how she managed to stuff that huge plushy in that big bag, ALONG with all the other Kaien stuff.

Tesla comes up beside the Kaien imitation and pokes it, mildly curious.

"That's...not disturbing at all..." one of the audience members says. Clearly, he's not the only one. Some of my male employees shudder, averting their gaze.

"Trying to bribe the hostess, eh?" I ask, eyebrows waggling. "Well, it's working." I rub my hands together, tackle my presents, and make off with them backstage.

Chad and Aaroniero, who haven't been seen since last chapter, stride into the stadium through the entrance. Though they don't seem friendly with each other, they walk together in perfect silence.

Some of Aaroniero's haters boo him as he passes. Szayel spots the Noveno straight away and goes for his sword. If he could just get a crack at that tank of Aaroniero's...he would be able to run tests on the fluid sloshing around in there. He was halfway across the stage, too, before **Moshigami **cut in.

Which, he later confessed grudgingly, might have saved him, because seconds later the haters stampede Aaroniero. It isn't hard to see what fuels their rage. There are many pro-Rukia supporters in attendance, and after the Noveno ran her through with Nejibana and desecrated Kaien's memory, pretty much everyone has sufficient reason to want to kill him. Including me.

I'm actually part of Aaroniero's lynch mob. In fact, I'm leading it.

"ATAAAAACK!" I bellow, leaping into the fray. I raise a Nejibana replica over my head, waving it menacingly.

**"Szayel, I know you've lost interest in Quincies, but here's a ticket to Quincy Wonderland!" Moshigami **displays said ticket.

"Uh...?" Szayel looks at her, dazed and distracted by the battle exploding into action just feet away. **"I'll also give you an unlimited change of clothes (because you're fabulous), unlimited supplies, better surveillance bacteria...um...and the secret to keeping Ylfordt away forever!"**

Hearing the bit about his reichu, Szayel recomposes himself and picks a piece of lint off his uniform.

"My spirit insects are state of the art. To imply otherwise is an offense to my abilties," he says. "As for Ylfordt...he's dead. I think it's safe to say he's not coming back. Even if he did, he's no threat to me."

Aaroniero's high-pitched voice rips through the air as someone tears a sizeable chunk out of his frilly coat.

Szayel's brow furrows with annoyance, and a vein throbs at his temple when the spotlight turns to Tesla.

**"Tesla, I am your number one fangirl. I'll bid unlimited HP (when Nnoitora's gone spazz), my new invention the SOMETHING (aka a mindreader thing), an awesome place in the human world, a forever-behind-you status (because even the underdogs need someone behind them) and um...er...UNLIMITED HUGS!" **Tesla's eyes widen at the last outburst.

"Forever-behind-you status?" Szayel remarks sardonically. "Sounds like a skill only a stalker would have."

A hellish screech erupts from Aaroniero's flailing form as I set fire to him. A mosaic covers the gruesome spectacle of the burning Espada and a warning is superimposed over the audience's heads:

*VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED*

**"Aaroniero, you're cool. You might have tentacles but you'll be a fishtank forever. I MIGHT bet on you."**

Aaroniero responds with a gut-wrenching howl, which is then strangled into a gurgle.

**"Kevvy, you can have this knitted beard with Kaien on it!" **

I stare. "O...kay..." I nod my head real slowly, trying to take it in.

"Oh, stop being so nice," Szayel snaps. "It's obviously an abomination of consumer merchandise."

I shoot him a dirty look. "Shut...up," I grit out through clenched teeth. "For all you know, she might have made that herself."

Szayel doesn't look ashamed in the least. "Well she's in poor taste if she did."

"The hell do you know about good taste?" I retort. "You have _pink _hair."

"I'll have you know that pink is a fashionable color!"

"Well I'm so fly I could make knitted beards look good. So take THAT." I cross my arms in triumph.

"Who are you kidding? You have absolutely no swag," he retaliates, smirking with his holier-than-thou face. I begin visibly shaking with fury. An evil giggle makes us pause.

It's **MehLikey. "I just wanna do one thing before I resign myself to the audience." **With that, **MehLikey **stalks over to a certain pink-haired Espada and flicks him on the nose. He rubs the offended area, looking outraged.

"_What_ was that fo-AAAHHH!" Szayel screams as **MehLikey **proceeds to pick him up and dump him upside down in a waiting rubbish bin. **"There." **She dusts her hands off and leaves.

I can't say I've ever seen a more graceful exit.

Meanwhile...Aaroniero's charred carcass is throwing off the feng shui of my pad. I'll have to dispose of the body. I wander off to go find a shovel. And then Chad throws a shower of confetti over forever122.

"CONGRATS, FOREVER122, YOU'VE WON CHAD!" the audience announces in unison. They all begin clapping, genuinely happy for one of their own. They aren't even bothered by the smell of cooked Noveno.

**To be continued...**

**forever122: Thanks for the hug! And of course I'd like a cake. Make it chocolate. ;)**

**Moshigami: I've moved your bid for chap. 24 to the next chapter. Apologies for the delay. -.-'**

**As for everyone else, virtual cookies to you all for your support. 030**

**Sadly, I can't actually kill Aaroniero off, so he will in good repair by next chappy, along with Tesla and Szayel. So go ahead and bid as much as you want. :)**

Everyone is milling around Chad and patting him on the back for finally settling on an owner. I cackle softly and creep away, wearing the knitted beard and a lumberjack outfit.


	26. Chapter 26

After the massacre of last chapter, Aaroniero's life had been restored to him by my almighty powers, but the maiming of his body had put a damper on his mood. Now whenever he answers a question, he does so with a sour note in his voice- crossed arms or clenched fists are optional.

The blackening cloud hovering over his head certainly isn't helped by the knowledge that Sakuya took a bite out of him while he was dead. Because, and quote, **"'Sakuya has eaten squid before...it's nummy!'"** Not that her getting by security was just an accident. I had fully consented to the eating of the Noveno.

But while Aaroniero does in one part resemble a squid, it didn't help his reputation at all that Sakuya had fueled his haters' with new verbal ammunition at said squid comment. Now they bombarded him with derisive tentacle and/or octopus remarks on top of the older, overused insults: Tank-face, Lava Lamp, or, worse yet, That Guy with a Tentacle Fetish.

To make matters worse, Aaroniero's skin was on fire because of the salt Sakuya had seasoned him with and now he was breaking out in a rash.

"I don't think there's a cure for that," I point out solemnly, after a brief examination.

Aaroniero gives me a blank look. "You make it sound terminal!" the soprano explodes.

I shrug indifferently. "Well you know what happens when you pour salt on a slug. It dies."

"DO I LOOK LIKE A SLUG TO YOU?"

"No." And then, after a moment's pause, "You're much, much uglier."

Aaroniero screams, his two skeletal faces distorted with rage. He rips a plastic lawn chair out from under Tesla, dumping him onto the floor, and throws it at me. I sidestep the projectile object, and it slams into Szayel as he makes a graceful entrance from behind the stage curtains.

Both the Octova and the chair disappear from view behind the velvet drape, and many fragile stage props can be heard shattering. I blink slowly as Szyael shrieks girlishly, then there's a whole lot of crashing about and a long tearing sound as the curtain splits down the middle, perforated by some type of spear prop that had fallen backstage. A vein visibly throbs at my temple.

"WHAT...THE...TACO!" I wind up for the pitch and hurl the Taco of Love at Aaroniero. It zeros in on him like a heat-seeking missile...and bounces right off his glass tank, landing with a dull thud on the floor.

Aaroniero stares at it. Then chibi Grimmjow and Ulquiorra fly out of it and start mauling him to death.

"Ooow...Ow." Szayel groans as he trips out from backstage, covered in pieces of styrofoam.

The encounter with the chair had left him with no serious injuries except for some light cuts and bruises.

Which was a miracle considering all the sharp objects laying around backstage.

Regaining his composure, Szayel brushes his uniform off and smooths his expression out into the usual tedium. His brow furrows slightly as he hears Aaroniero's caterwauling, but when he sees the dismemberment taking place, he immediately loses interest. With Kevvy around, madness such as this ceases to surprise much anymore. But her little followers seem to love it.

In fact, they cheer on the gruesome spectacle as it occurs.

Szayel casually flips his hair over his shoulder, serenely closes his eyes, and turns around to make his exit, only to run into **Moshigami.**

**"Yep, Szayel. I'm insulting you. BAHAHAHAHAHA! Have this random toad..." **

Szayel yelps as said toad is tossed at him, dodging it by mere inches. He shudders, wearily eyeballing the foal creature as it croaks and hops off.

**"...A Yylfordt zombie, my flying octopus, err...my evil electric guiatar that is actually a gate to hell..." **Szayel throws his hands up. "Oh no. I've seen quite enough of Hell, and I do _not _wish to have a repeat tour"

**"...err...that's it. And no, I am not a stalker. I bet my can of paint on it!" **

Still reeling from the Gate to Hell offer, Szayel doesn't have time to dodge Moshigami as a can of paint is poured on him. He screams bloody murder as his perfection is defiled.

**Moshigami **doesn't waste in any time in spinning over to Tesla. **"Tesla, have this random anti-shinigami lawnmower I found!" **Tesla blinks at the odd contraption that is placed in front of him. "Oh. Thank you," he utters, bewildered and more than a bit disturbed. Common courtesy demanded he say nothing more, because he was afraid if he opened his mouth, something negative would come out.

Not even taking into account the fact that by the love of Aizen's mullet it was a _lawnmower, _he would look like a total ass riding out into battle on it. But he wouldn't say that. He just kept his silence.

**"AAAAARONIIIIIEROOOOO! You poor thing! I'll take you away from Kevvy-chan, don't worry..."**

"His corpse declines to comment," I say, catching only glimpses of Aaroniero's body as the medivac team rushes him off to be regenerated.

Moshigami then tosses me some photos of Kaien, and my eyes start sparkling as they float through the air. I leap into action instantly, snatching one pic in midair and executing a mastery of somersaults and rolls to retrieve the others.

One bidder who's there at the Auction to troll for souvenirs to pawn on eBay spots a stray photo on the edge of the stage.

Our eyes meet. We both lunge. But instead of going for the pic, I launch myself at the troller and savagely tackle him, flinging him down onto the floor. The man trembles as he hurriedly withdraws a piece of paper from his pocket.

"No wait!" he pleads, and I stop. "Please! We can negotiate a trade! I have here a coupon for Bed, Bath & Beyond!" For 5 dollars, it read, and the coupon had expired yesterday. I look at him, deadpan. "Or...I could just...go." Sweat-dropping, he crawls away as fast as he can on hands and knees.

I go to claim my photo. **"You are awesoooooome, Kevvy-chan!" **

"You're so awesome, too, Moshi," I croon, drooling over the new additions to my Kaien scrapbook.

Meanwhile, **MehLikey **makes her well-timed entrance just as Szayel dashes like crazy across the stage to avoid Moshigami's flying octopus. **"Actually, no. I'm not going to resign myself to the audience." **

MehLikey wags her finger at Szayel, who's head is now engulfed by the octopus's slimy tentacles. His arms pinwheel as he wrestles with the sea creature, his muffled shouts for help going unheeded.

His harem of fangirls had gone out to get a throne of cushions at his behest, so they aren't here to aid him.

**"I am becoming Kevvy-sans self-proclaimed assistant slash bodyguard."**

"Eh?" I gape, slack-jawed, as MehLikey gets down onto her knees and looks up at me.

**"I even have back-up." **She waves her trusty phone in the air. **"Though, Hitsugaya-taichou probably isn't free." **MehLikey stands up and shoots and a warning glare at a fangirl trying to snatch the connection to her beloved Shiro-chan for herself.

**"Kevvy-san! I am now here to assist! Use me for bodyguard duties, or holding large stacks of paper, whatever! I am here to make your life easier and make you realize you don't need Kisuke to have such a good time." **MehLikey throws some scorched almonds in the air.

A few people in the audience cry out angrily as they get pelted.

**"TADA!" **A particularly large almond knocks Szayel out just as he's freed himself from the octopus's entanglement. MehLikey whoops and takes her place to me, folding her arms.

I beam and glomp her. "Yay! I have a bodyguard!" I cheer. "Don't worry, I won't make you carry large stacks of paper, MehLikey." I get close and whisper. "That's what Szayel's for."

My crew enters through a side door in the auditorium, wheeling Aaroniero in on a wheelchair. He bats their hands away irritably when they try to assist him, and rises to his feet, stalking over back up on stage.

He pointedly ignores me, and goes over to his personal chair, which had been vandalized in his absence. Someone had scrawled in Sharpi, "Lave Lamp" on the seat. He kicks it over.

Moshigami comes over to give him an awkward hug. Considering how downright evil he looks, it's hard to tell whether he's moved, surprised, or annoyed. At least he doesn't try to cause her bodily harm.

**"You can get away from all these eejits soon, da."**

"I wish," he grumbles.

**"I bid unlimited tank replacements (who knows what can happen), Rukia-Yammy-metal-Ichigo-and Aizen proof fluid additive and the ultimate book on impersonation!" **

"Are you trying to imply that I'm bad at impersonation?"

**"I also bid a dark planet so you can go about your fish-ly duties. Wait, make that OVER 9000!"**

"WHAT IS WITH ALL THE FISH PUNS?" he howls. He looks ready to tear his hair out with rage. If only he had any...Pfft.

**"Szayel, I also bid an even bigger league of servants than fangirls, a membership card for the Awesome Scientist Club (number 8), and a throne even bigger and better than Aizen's. Also, I have this random castle to put over your lab (can't be too careful now)."**

I look over at Szayel's prone form. "I'll pass it on once he wakes up. But I'm sure with his inflated ego he'll appreciate the oversized throne," I tell her.

Moshigami goes to compliment Tesla on what a great underdog he is...and give him an Underdog club membership card. He modestly accepts her bid, and they talk a moment before parting.

**"Kevvy-chan, have this (unlimited) free pass to the underworld. Kaien's on the first door to the right."**

I explode. "OH MY GAWD! WHAT'S KAIEN DOING IN THE UNDERWORLD?!" I flail. "NOOOOOO!"

I faint. Everyone stares. Uryu strides out from backstage and halts when he sees how quiet everyone is.

"What happened?" he asks.

"CONGRATS, MOSHIGAMI, YOU'VE WON TESLA LINDACRUZ!" a voice booms.

Everyone looks around wildly.

"Where'd that voice come from?" someone asks.

**To be continued...**

**Many congrats to Moshigami for winning Tesla. Next chapter, Uryu Ishida, Szayel Aporro Grantz and Aaroniero Arruruerie will be on Auction. Place your offers now while you still can. :)**

**Thanks to MehLikey for sticking around and being my bodyguard. ;) I need all the help I can get.**

**Until next time...**

Aaroniero sighs, left all to himself in the auditorium. He'd only had one person bid on him...How depressing. And he was so much cooler than Szayel. Or at least, in his mind, he was.

Well...if there was one upside to being alone and having two heads...it was that he could play checkers with himself.


	27. Chapter 27

**AN: Wow...Don't know what to say. Sorry for the incredibly long hiatus, guys.**

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><p>A vein ticks at my temple as the tremendously long line of fangirls in the studio continues to grow. Fistfulls of cash are being waved in the air, people are practically crawling over each other, and Uryu's needlework skills are the focus of all this mayhem. It's like Black Friday.<p>

Of course, it came as no surprise that his creations were in such high demand, but ambushing him was just a big no-no. I guess he thought the fuss would die down if he granted a request or two, but in the past hour, my security detail had broken up five cat-fights and confiscated a pair of Uzis that one fan-girl had used to threaten some poor sucker who had tried to cut in line. Someone was always dropping an f-bomb, and they knew they could get away with it without facing my wrath because it was impossible to find them in such a large crowd.

Uryu's hands work in a dizzying whirlwind of activity as he caters to his next customer. I watch him from the edge of the stage and cross my arms, sighing irritably. It looks like I won't be having any one-on-one time with him until the crowd's done milking him for everything he's got.

Half these trolls will likely hawk the clothes he makes on eBay later. By the end of the day, Uryu's beloved handiwork will be up for grabs on the web.

"This...is soooo boring," Szayel drawls. He dumps himself ceremoniously onto his plush recliner, stretched out like a lazy feline along both arm rests. He slits his eyes at me from across the room, and I regard him with a baleful glare. He sniffs as if in disgust of my presence, but says nothing more.

After cat-fighting back and forth between chapters, we had come to a stalemate with each other.

No matter how much I hurt him, he would defy me by regenerating, gracefully returning, and then neglecting to choose an owner. I was in the hopes that if I didn't bate him and just gave him the cold shoulder, he would move on. Thus far, I'd had no such luck.

As for Aaroniero...Well, he doesn't like me, either. Throughout two chapters, he'd been browbeaten and physically tortured, with only one bid to show for it. It certainly didn't help matters that said bid was humiliating.

After sustaining all those repeated blows to his pride and body, Aaroniero had hidden in the shrouds backstage where his face couldn't spur another attack.

I can't help but feel sorry for the guy now. If people could just get past the shrunken heads and the mass of tentacles where his hand should be, there might be something to love. Maybe...

**Bloodyrose64: "Poor Szayel, come with me! I'll make sure no one will ever hurt you again. I'll be a wonderful bodyguard for you too."**

Szayel chuckles, his lips curling into a sensuous smirk. He lifts an elegantly gloved hand to slide his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

"_Please. _It would take a lot more than that for me to need a bodyguard. I'm not so easily beaten," he purrs. "At least not like Aaroniero. He went running with his tail tucked between his legs." He casts a pointed look at the stage curtain.

"Go shove it, Szayel!" the voice retaliates. A flying vase punctuates Aaroniero's words, hurtling out of the shadows. I feel like warning the _Octova _that the "vase" is a vintage spittoon with certain...remnants still inside it. Instead, I quickly turn my back and tense as I hear the subsequent crash.

"OH MY GAWD! OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD!" Szayel howls. I see him barelling past me, covered in a thick layer of viscous goo. Some of the stuff gets into his eyes and he runs blindly into **MehLikey's **path.

"**Right ho! Time to be a bodyguard! Kevvy-san, what do I do?" **My new guard shows off her muscle by roundhouse kicking Szayel, spinning him around so hard he falls off the platform and lands in a crumpled heap at the bottom. **"Please, give me an order to follow out. I wanna get started right away! Also, Uryu, may I ask, are you good, or are you bad? 'Cause if you're good, what are you doing with Bach?"**

MehLikey punctuates her sentence by throwing a rabid fangirl through the roof. I lean forward, craning my neck to get a good look at the gaping hole in my ceiling. "Hey! A skylight!" I say cheerfully.

"Just what we needed!" A pleased smile crosses my face, and I sit in silent awe of MehLikey's genius for a moment.

Meanwhile, Uryu pauses what he's doing to consider her question. "I don't think I'm ready to go public about my motives..." He goes back to weaving a Chappy-themed dress for Rukia.

"So mysterious," I whisper.

One of my buff construction workers takes off with his crew to discuss making the fangirl-shaped cut-out in my ceiling look more like a skylight. I try to make a smart suggestion before they leave so I'll look like a cool boss, but all I can suggest is glass. Because what would a skylight be without glass? Duh.

MehLikey stands behind me and folds her arms menacingly. I get chills from her dark aura.

**Karasu: "For Ishida, I bid a gigantic sewing kit, Kon, my eternal love, and random anime nicknacks I found. I love you, Ishida!"**

"Because I've always wanted a perverted talking stuffed animal," Uryu mutters sardonically. "I'd rather stitch its mouth shut." The idea must appeal to him, because the corners of his lips curl pleasantly.

"I heard that!" Kon pipes up, riding on the shoulder of a rather well-endowed fangirl. Typical.

**justreading17: "I offer Uryu Ishida a castle with full equipped sewing, training, and studying rooms. The castle also has anti-shinigami sheilds. A way to prove your father wrong about the Quincy: Your grandfather back to life. I can also give you 100 Ichigo clone butlers that you can use in your training.**

If you want, I can give some Mayuri and Szayel clones as well. A room full with all weapons and equipment ever made for a Quincy and a library with all your favorite books and other books you may find interesting. And some hot Quincy girls so the Quincy race won't die. That is all I can offer so please think about it."

Ishida tries to disguise his discomfort over the aforementioned hot Quincy girls behind a flurry of basting and hemming. Not that it can hide the flustered color of his face.

He does pique with interest at the mention of his grandfather, but his attention is stolen by an older gentleman asking for a specially tailored suit.

"I would rather not," he says in a clipped tone, "have Mayuri or Szayel near me. In any form."

I nod seriously. "I can't blame you. After all, they did both use you as a pin-cushion."

Uryu's brow twitches. "Is that a pun aimed at my profession?"

I offer a lame shrug. "Maybe..." Uryu looks ready to say something else, when **dhunter158 **drops into the crowd without warning. I wish I could say from where. Alls I can say is, one minute everything was the same ol', same ol', and then BAM.

**"NOT SO FAST! I have a bid on Aaroniero!" **I look at **dhunter**, wide-eyed. While the initial shock sets in, **dhunter **whips out a vial. **"You want out of this, Mr. Niero?"**

Aaroniero peeks out from the stage curtain. "_Yes_!" the high-pitched voice pipes up.

**"Use this vial, which will make a potent, toxic gas in a wide range. Everything you don't like can disappear now, as in die, so meal time and power to ya!"**

I snap out of my stupor. "ARE YOU TRYING TO GET US ALL KILLED?" I explode. "THE FIRST THING HE'S GOING TO DO WITH THAT IS BLOW THIS PLACE SKY HIGH!"

Some participants of the audience look noticeably disturbed by the thought. Luckily I have a bomb squad handy for just this type of situation, but it would be uncalled for unless Aaroniero goes for it.

I eyeball the velvet curtain the Noveno is hiding behind, and my gaze might as well have burned a hole in it for how intently I stared. But there is nothing. No mad dash of insanity for the vial **dhunter **is holding. I guess Aaroniero has the good sense to be suspicious.

"**Second offer is..." Dhunter **pulls out a weird contraption. **"...this shadow caster! You work efficiently without sunlight, so you'll fight better outdoors!" **There's a pregnant silence. The stage curtain rustles, and Aaroniero steps out, taking the bait.

**"Third offer is..."** Cue the drumroll. Me and the audience lean forward for a better look.** Dhunter **dramatically displays a toilet **"...this toilet." **Aaroniero flat out deadpans, confused. I have to admit, the feeling is mutual. **"Let's be honest, you smell, and your release state Glotone "diarrhea" looks like it could use it." **I facepalm.

Aaroniero deflates on the spot, expectations crushed. In all my time as a host, I've never seen someone's hopes so utterly and completely destroyed like that. Without a word, he turns his back and disappears backstage.

"Wow... that was cold," I say, for once straight-faced. Poor guy...

"Don't be surprised if you find he's hung himself back there," Szayel chimes. My fists clench.

"Must not...do bodily harm..." I grind my teeth with the effort to think happy thoughts.

"You really should just put him out of his misery." The _Octova _walks up to me, dusting himself off. "He's just a waste of space." He stops, stares at me. Sees my evil expression. Szayel blanches, and then I proceed to kick him in his fun parts. He folds like an origami crane, gagging and falling over onto the floor with a loud thud.

"That's the least you deserve for all your bad-mouthing," I admonish, pointing an accusing finger at his writhing form.

**Moshigami: "Here's 101 ways to kill Quincies, 5600 ways to train, and unlimited sewing supplies."**

"Why...would I want to bring on the extinction of my own race? That's counterproductive," Uryu replies, thoroughly perplexed.

**"Kevvy-chan now receives: 101 ways to worship Kaien Shiba."**

I sigh. "Oh good, because I was about to bust a cap if I didn't start feeling some love in this place."

**"I'm going to just appear randomly to creep peeps out now. Farewell...or is it?"**

"That's good. I love seeing my readers come back for more." I beam, pleased.

Aaroniero, having silently witnessed my abuse of Szayel from backstage decides to come out and kick him while he's down. Until Sakuya spots him and glomps the Espada's tank head.

**"So ya no likey the fish puns? Ok...but Sakuya just has to say this at least once...RELEASE THE KRAKEN!" **Aaroniero flails, trying to pry her off him as Sakuya begins nomming on the glass tank, trying to break it. To his relief, she gives up before that happens and glomps me. **"The mean Octopus man is scary!" **I pat her on the head. "Yes, I know." She points at Uryu, and all eyes turn to him. **"Why are you sexy after Ichigo loses his powers?! Why chu no stay creepy stalker nerdy looking?!"**

He splutters. "I'm not a stalker!" Sakuya leaps away from me and tackles Uryu.

**"Sakuya loves chu!" **He buckles under their combined weight...and the general impact of a small person hitting him like a heat-seeking missile. I go over to aid them just in case Sakuya escalates from hugging to strangling.

Meanwhile, Aaroniero seizes his opportunity and walks over to Szayel's prone body. After taking a kick in his fun zone, he'd passed out frothing at the mouth. Just the right opening for Aaroniero to sharpie a unibrow on the mad scientist's perfect face.

**To be continued...**

**CONGRATULATIONS BLOODYROSE64, YOU'VE WON SZAYEL (UNIBROW INCLUDED)! Admittedly, the goods are a bit damaged, but I assure you when he arrives, he'll be restored to perfection. ;)**

**To all my readers, I extend my heartfelt apologies for my insane hiatus. Just wasn't feeling it for awhile there...But I'm better than ever and back for more!**

**Coming up next chapter, Aaroniero Arruruerie, Uryu Ishida and BYAKUYA KUCHIKI are up for grabs. All you fangirls and fanboys start the bidding wars for the captain of the 6th division. And have fun :)**


	28. Chapter 28

**A/N: 300+ VIEWS! YAY!**

**I wanted to post this chapter much much earlier (like in December), but I came down very ill and it has ripped a whole two months out of my schedule (bye bye January and February). FINALLY getting the ball rolling again. *sigh***

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><p>Saying that all hell broke loose when Byakuya walked into the studio was putting it mildly. When in reality, things actually exploded into pandemonium of apocalyptic proportions. Uryu's fanbase scattered in ever direction, crawling over each other in one big writhing anthill to get to the captain. Suffice to say, there was a lot of pimp-slapping going on, and one fangirl even went Homer Simpson on some poor sucker and started strangling him.<p>

The atmosphere was at fever pitch, with a crescendo of ear-piercing squealing that had one half of the audience curled up in the fetal position with their hands over their ears. Byakuya, who is at the center of the riot, looks like he's going to crawl out of his skin, his expression tight with displeasure. The feeling is mutual. Grim, brow furrowed, I pull my Remington R1 out of its holster at my hip and lift it high over my head.

The group-induced madness fueling the crowd's actions comes to an immediate standstill when I pull the trigger, the subsequent gunshot shattering the frenzy. A hush descends over my audience, and a ripple of confused whispers break out before they see me holding the gun.

"Unless you want to be banned from the Auction I suggest you all act civilized," I say coldly, eyes narrowing dangerously. They all quickly shut up at that. Seeing that he's no longer in the line of fire, Byakuya gracefully strides up to the stage, his scarf streaming out behind him. His fanbase follows him with envious eyes, but they don't move from where they're standing; they're too afraid of inciting my wrath.

Uryu stands in the background while everyone watches Byakuya like he's a runway model. Which he might as well be.

Uryu takes advantage of the distraction to pack up his sweatshop. He isn't upset. In fact, he's immensely relived that he's no longer the center of attention. It's truly exhausting to cater to everyone's whims. I motion for one of my guards to escort Uryu up to the stage. I would have done it myself, but at that moment a rabid fangirl makes a dive for Byakuya. No, seriously, she's rabid- frothing at the mouth, mad with rabies, the whole shebang. Me and MehLikey make a run for her. Byakuya simply sidesteps the girl, causing her to faceplant into the ground. She recovers quickly, spurred on by her madness.

Luckily, we get to her before she can make a second attempt. I have MehLikey restrain her in an armlock while I tranq her. The drug does its job, and she goes limp like a ragdoll almost immediately.

"That was close," I sigh.

**"Welcome back, Kevvy-san!" **MehLikey says, finally able to get a word in. She gives me a hug and glares at approaching rabid fangirls. "Holy crap, it's an epidemic!" I exclaim.

"No, that's just whip cream," some guy says in the audience. "It's Whip Cream Day." I inspect the fangirls a little closer, weary. It is indeed whip cream. They smile sheepishly.

"Oh," I say. "Why didn't someone tell me? I would have brought my own whip cream." I pout, feeling left out.

Some random bidder extends their hand to me, offering a can of whip cream. I take it. "Thanks."

**"I see you have Mr. Slice-things-up-a-lot now. Nice," **MehLikey remarks, then raises an eyebrow at all the fangirls surrounding him. **"Well at least they aren't surrounding you." **She pats me on the back, glares at Aaroniero, who is peeking out from behind the stage curtain, and does a combination of roundhouse kicks, punches and throws at the fangirls. And even trips over them. They yell at her in outrage, whipping out the pepper spray and the compact knives.

**Callian31: "To Byakuya, I offer blackmail material on Ichigo and to Uryu I offer the same."**

"Unless he's leading a secret double life we don't know about, what 'material' could you possibly have on him?" Byakuya inquires, looking unconvinced. He briskly swats a fangirl's wandering hands away, shooting her a withering look that stops her in her tracks. **The ultimate kh fan **starts spazzing in the background.

**"I WILL GIVE KEVVY 9999999999999 KAIEN PLUSHIES AND OTHER MEMORABILIA, AND BYAKUYA-KUN THE FINEST TEA AND MOST BEAUTIFUL CHERRY BLOSSOM TREE TO OWN HIM! I WILL ALSO GIVE ISANE THE BEST MEDICAL EQUIPMENT EVER TO OWN HER! AND I WILL SAVE KAIEN-KUN FROM THE HORDES OF FANGIRLS FOR YOU AND GIVE HIM TO YOU WITH A CURSE ON HIM SO ONLY YOU CAN TOUCH HIM!" **

I cover my face with my hands. "The capitals are hurting my eyes!" I cry.

Uryu nudges his glasses up his nose. "That number of plushies is large enough to wrap around the earth. Where are you going to put them?"

"Eject them into space as a peace-offering to the aliens," I say matter-of-factly.

"And what if there are no aliens?"

"Then they'll make perfect decoration." I turn to the **kh fan. **"Kevvy-san thanks you for the gifts..and the...er...curse."

I take stock of my audience, noting those who are waiting to submit their bids. **dhunter158 **is brooding over something. After the fantastic failure of the toilet bid, I can only guess what's in store for today. Something tells me it's not going to soothe the bubbling cauldron that is Aaroniero's emotions.

I'm surprised I haven't gotten death threats from the Noveno yet.

**dhunter158: "Hmm, they're right, the toilet is not good enough, what am I thinking?!" dhunter **face-palms and tosses the toilet aside. It hits an innocent bystander and cracks in half.

**"How about...this new glass tank for your heads? Not sure what yours is made of, but it's sturdy and designed to take a hit. And for the final straw...uh...MY BATTLE SERVICES! Temporarily."**

"Because doing it full-time would otherwise scar you for life," I put in.

**"I'm pretty proficient in the art of combat, and to be honest, it's all I could think of...**

**Wait...I...have...the...perfect...ITEM! I offer you this book! 101 Ways to Prepare a Hollow. C'mon, you know you want it." dhunter **looks around the crowd. **"Just, uh...don't get any ideas from this book right now...The both of us might regret it later."**

There's a pregnant silence. Repeated humiliation has conditioned Aaroniero to think twice before making a public appearance. He doesn't show himself, but he does stick his hand out and flip everyone off.

"Nice," I say, unamused.

**Bangkok-chan: "I HAS WAKAME AMBASSADOR PLANET (with extra spicy flavors), eternal protection for Rukia (from those pesky fangirls/boys) and a permanent removal of that annoying Shinigami Women's Association from your house. I might add to this later, ne?"**

"This has its merits," Byakuya remarks. "I will consider it."

Squealing begins to erupt from someone down in the audience. **Arrancar01: "URYUUUUUUUU!"**

I look around for the aforementioned Quincy, and spot him at the other end of the stage, wide-eyed from the sudden exclamation. Another bidder named **DireSphynx **is with him, finishing up with his presentation. I hear something about a purification spell, but then Uryu wraps things up and thanks **DireSphynx**.

**Arrancar01: "Okay. That's over. I bid all the sewing supplies ever created, the time machine used to get those sewing supplies, your grandfather alive, and Mayuri's head for you to destroy in any way you like."**

"It would have to be a fake head. Killing a captain is a crime against the Soul Society," Byakuya points out monotonously.

"Don't discredit the bidder," I chastise.

**"For Byakuya, I bid one alive Hisana, a cat and a Renji who's never late to work. Aaroniero, you get a kitten. Here you go."**

**Arrancar01 **throws the kitten, and it screeches as it is swallowed up by the stage curtains. There's a moment's silence, and then a horrendous caterwauling explodes from backstage. Aaroniero rolls out into view, screaming as the kitten scores deep marks into his glass tank with its little claws. It continues its slashing frenzy even as he tries to pull off the diabolically cute ball of fluff before it can do irreparable damage.

**"Oh and if you eat it, you're dead." Arrancar01 **shoots him a menacing glare and then leaves him to his battle with the kitten.

"This is like Animal Planet," I say, and begin stuffing my face with popcorn as I enjoy the spectacle Aaroniero is making. "Only one can survive!" I pump my fist in the air, cheering the kitten on.

Seeing as how I'm no longer handling matters, Byakuya decides to adopt my duties temporarily and goes to intersect a bidder that's pushing their way through the crowd.

**theunknownassassin: "I MUST HAVE BYAKUYA! I WILL SELL YOU MY SOLE! I WILL PAY ANYTHING FOR HIM. YOU NAME IT AND I WILL PAY IT!" **

Uryu looks perplexed. "You mean like a foot sole?" he asks.

"I think he means soul," I supply, swiveling back around in my chair just as the kitten rips off a tentacle in its mouth. "Ouch," I wince. "That's gotta hurt." Aaroniero screams bloody murder.

**Red Cr0w: "Kuchiki-Taicho! If you stay with me, I give you ALL the Wakame Taishi you want, rights to beat the crap out of Kurosaki Ichigo, and lots of spicy food! And...a fence to guard your precious koi!" **Bakuya looks about to say something, but then comes the begging. Not that that's new. It actually happens a lot.

**"PLEASE STAY WITH ME! I'M VERY QUIET AND I CAN DO PAPERWORK! You won't have to worry about staying at work late any longer! I love you, Kuchiki-Taicho! I'll give you calligraphy sets (only the best), white lion cubs, cherry blossom trees...AND I'LL BRING HISANA-SAMA BACK TO LIFE. IMAGINE YOUR FUTURE BABIES. YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT! Just say yes!" Red Cr0w **smiles sweetly. **"I promise, I'll make sure your lieutenant is never late AGAIN." **

Byakuya's face goes through a series of emotions at the rant: nonplussed (white lions? Really?), back to stiff-backed composure (he'd already had plenty of people offer him Hisana, so that was nothing new), then flustered. Babies? With Hisana?

"ALRIGHT!" I yell. The kitten trots off victorious, dragging the severed Glotoneria in its mouth as its spoils of war. Uryu looks a bit green at the bloody sight. "It's so cute...but so wrong," he mumbles.

"Eh?" I turn around, catching sight of Byakuya, who's frozen to the spot like a block of ice. Poor guy. That last bit of the offer must have petrified him...

"Hey, guys, I know what I want to name the kitten!" I declare. "Jaws!"

The newly named Jaws looks up, then hunkers down in a corner and begins feasting on his prize.

**To be continued...**

**lol. Jaws is so cute. Thanks to Arrancar01 for giving him to us! :) Next chapter, Aaroniero Arrurerie, Uryu Ishida, and Byakuya Kuchiki will all still be up for grabs. Moshigami-chan, I've moved your review up to the next chapter, so expect to see it there. Thanks to all my readers for your support. I hope I can stay in good health so I can keep the chappies coming! See ya next time. ;)**


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